Today is Valentine’s Day, again. My friends who work in the restaurant industry are working longer hours today – special dishes and menus, overbooked reservations, and covering shifts for people who want to celebrate. Yesterday, as I walked to the grocery store to get a bottle of wine to go with my solo dinner, I passed two guys carrying flowers – I thought, “oh yeah, Valentine’s Day.” In anticipation of the grocery store being crowded with people buying wine and chocolates and flowers, I might have cursed the holiday under my breath. Stupid love and dumb couples and all that crap. Aren’t there any babies I could pinch or puppies I could kick? As I came back from the grocery store, one of my friends shouted my name from across the street. He held up a tiny, paper, jewelry-store bag: “Yo! Valentine’s Day.” I held up my bag, “wine!” Later, at the bar, I joked that I think my play is going to be to stalk a few wine bars and look for that couple that’s breaking up. You know, swoop in with “you deserve so much better than that” or “what a jerk, I’m here if you wanna talk.” Of course, I’m joking and I won’t do any of those things (especially kicking puppies), and I didn’t really curse the holiday, but it’s fun to lean extra hard into the petulant crankiness that many single people feel on Valentine’s Day. I am, or can be, a petulant and cranky single person.
A few times a year, I tell myself that I’m gonna try to get better at the whole dating thing or take it more seriously or, or, or… Every year, I write some sort of Valentine’s Day post or a post-Valentine’s Day post. I re-read what I wrote last year where I said I was going to try to be more intentional about dating or do things differently. I haven’t gotten more intentional and I haven’t done anything differently. So it goes.
I am, reluctantly, still on the dating apps. I am, for the most part, still looking but not engaging. I think I’ve gone on one date (a week ago) in the past 5, 6, 10 months? I think I’ve chatted with four or five women in that same time span. I do a lot, perhaps too much, ruling out up front – lives too far away, kids are too young, too much botox, too extroverted, too anarchist. And that’s for the ones I might find attractive or interesting. I hate the whole judgment aspect of online dating.
In addition to the too whatever or too whatever else, I often find myself looking at profiles and thinking, “ehh, they might be a bit too much for me.” I’ll see people who write things like 53 countries and counting or I’ll see a series of photos that look like the person has a professional photographer following them around (maybe to each of those 53 countries). I’ll see profiles that say they split their time between the Bay Area and Tahoe or the Bay Area and New York. I’ll see profiles highlighting their active lifestyle: avid volleyball player, rock climber, snow boarder/skier, etc. There is nothing inherently wrong with any of those things. In fact, they’re the things (travel, interests, etc.) that should, and could, be attractive. Yet, when I see them, I think, “ehh a bit too much.”
Of course, the sobering reality is that what I’m really saying is, “I don’t think I’d be enough.” By Bay Area standards of wealth, interesting-ness, and “personality,” I feel pretty basic if not downright boring. I split my time between my apartment and my neighborhood saloon. All of my photos are semi-grainy and crooked selfies wearing the same damn flannel (I swear I have more than one). I haven’t been out of the country in over a decade, and currently I’m not sure I could afford a trip out of the country or even out of the Bay Area. Active lifestyle? Sure, if you count sitting on benches, sitting at the bar, walking around town (usually to a bookstore or a different bar), running slowly and gasping for air, and the occasional hike – then yes, I live a very active lifestyle.
And I think that’s one of the things holding me back. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I lack confidence, but what I bring to the table is… umm… more internal and intangible? As such, I don’t care for the sheen that seems to cover all of these profiles. It’s as if the early days of Facebook (when everyone only showed their highlight reel) has taken over dating profiles. Some of it, for sure, is real, but it also feels a little in-authentic. I want the person who says, I love to travel and read, but life’s been a dumpster fire and I’m just trying to not cry at the dinner table or forget my keys when I leave the house. I want the person who’s gonna self-effacingly joke that their mom always told them they were special (and not in the good way). I want the person who doesn’t just say they have a good sense of humor, but finds a way to show it.
Nevertheless, I limp along.
A week or two ago, I guy I know and have hung out with stopped by where I was sitting at the bar to ask how things were going. Specifically, he was asking how dating was going. I said, it’s mostly non-starters. He asked about one woman who he knew liked me and I had gone out with a few times (one of those organic met in the bar situations). I told him I think she has a boyfriend. He said he thinks I should have shown more interest. I told him that I invited her out a few times, never got responses, dropped it. He thinks I need to be more aggressive – or at least show more interest in taking the lead. He knows I don’t like those dynamics. In my mind, men taking the lead early on and playing the pursuit game often leads to imbalances later. I’m willing to concede that most things don’t start off as mutual appreciation societies – but my best experiences never felt like one person or the other was taking a lead or showing more enthusiasm. There was an unquestionable momentum after first meeting up, and often before first meeting up. He wants me to be less stubborn in holding out. Meh.
Maybe he’s right. I suppose I’ll know in a year if I’m writing a slightly different version of this post with all the same complaints.