Sometimes I think I’m not really qualified for this job,
“Homework” by Tony Hoagland
the job of my life, I mean.
Today, I felt wholly unqualified for life. I bounced between trying to write poetry, trying to write a post about trauma, processing the potential challenges of moving (tied to the post about trauma), reading poetry, and scrolling dating profiles. It all left me feeling unqualified – like I don’t know how to do any of this. In all of these things, I have a sense of where I’d like to go (in a relationship, geographically, or with some of my writing), but I have no idea how to translate those things into actionable steps.
I was doing ok with this until I opened up the dating apps. For weeks (maybe months), I’ve had my profiles out west, or in any city where I’ve had a job interview. It feels silly and superficial to place such importance on having a viable dating pool as I look for where I want to live, but it’s one of the things I like least about my current situation. I’m eyeing up major metro areas because they have more jobs, more things to do, and more people with whom I might connect.
For months, I’ve checked the dating apps mostly out of boredom. It’s a part of my awful social media routine: scroll Twitter, scroll Facebook, check dating apps, repeat. Quite often, it’s to fill in the gaps of time that I have – when the words won’t come or my mind is tired. Quite often, seeing new likes has been a small dopamine hit / ego boost. Sometimes, I’ll see a bunch of new people who have liked me and wonder why I haven’t gotten out of here sooner. A lot of times, I’m looking to see if anyone interesting or cute has liked me, and if so, I promptly do nothing about it. In the year or two that I’ve had my profiles active, I’ve had brief conversations with maybe a dozen women. I’ve met up in person with two (both were local). In other words, I’ve looked but haven’t talked or acted. The few conversations I’ve started have all been with the intention of possibly meeting. I have frequent flier miles and so long as they live in a major metro area I’d be willing to try something long distance with an eye towards moving. None of that has happened. This is similar to the main reason I get turned down for jobs, I’m not local.
For whatever reason, today when I opened the apps, I was hit with a sense of dread. I suppose I was taking more seriously the prospect of actually meeting these people, and I felt overwhelmed by choice. There are literally dozens of people with whom I’d meet up or try to get to know… and to a certain degree, I felt like I’ve done all of this work before. I met and went out with a lot of people before I got engaged. I had several relationships and lots of one-off dates. As much as I enjoy meeting new people and getting to know them, this time feels different. I’ve been avoiding this for years and in some respects, I feel as though I no longer know how to be who I am. Or put a slightly different way, the last time I did this whole thing, I think I was a different person: funnier, or more energetic, or more interesting or charming.
And even that’s not quite it. I want to and don’t want to meet a lot of different people. I feel like I’m going to have to meet a lot of people before I even have a sense of what I’m looking for (despite thinking I knew what I was looking for and found it). I want to and don’t want to skip all of the early-stage BS (dates, two- and three-week relationships, getting ghosted, feeling bad about disappointing people). I understand that the journey can be the fun part – it’s the countless false starts that I’m dreading. For a long time, it’s what would have made reconnecting with an ex appealing – at least you knew there was an initial connection, you wouldn’t be starting from scratch. I guess I want to get back to where I was a few years ago, but I’m not sure I want to do the work. In some respects, I’m having trouble imagining any of it working out. I also think I’m afraid of falling into old patterns. Patterns in which I prioritize my time around someone new… or in which I end up relying on someone else to fill in for the gaps in my life (friends, hobbies, etc. etc.). I haven’t tested out the current me to know if he’s needy or independent or cold or warm.
All of this is getting way ahead of myself in a cart before the horse sort of way – in a if you think it’s gonna fail, it’s gonna fail sort of way. And maybe that’s where the dread was coming from or the piece of me that feels different or missing. When I did this before, I think I had more swagger and cared less about the outcomes. Before, I think I was more open to connections of all depths, and now I’m less interested in putting my time into the superficial. Already I’ve had some conversations that have felt surface-level and forced, conversations that fade in and out and don’t develop momentum. I had lots and lots of those conversations back in Philly. In fact, I can only think of three or four people with whom the banter and connection felt effortless. It was a lot of work to find those rare connections.
As I scrolled through the likes and swipes, I dreaded playing the numbers game. I dreaded the fever pitch pace of dating, of holding conversations with multiple people at the same time, of working the odds because you never know which one will click. I’ve taken a long break from this and I’m not quite sure where or how to start – let alone how interested I am in starting back up and if my qualifications are still good.