There’s a new family hanging around downtown. They have that transient look about them – a little free range and rough worn. They’re a young family, maybe in their early to mid-twenties. She has blond hair with streaks of green. He carries the big overstuffed backpack and wears camouflage pants. He looks ex-military with a short fuse. The kids are always with mom walking in tow sometimes all three holding hands – a mini chain of arms and shuffling legs. They have a dog, mostly white with a few black patches – young, strong, and full of doggy exuberance. It’s part pit bull and part who knows what else. It’s leash is a thick worn multicolored rope. The family looks like they’ve been kicked out of every town they’ve landed in. As I passed them this morning at Madison and Main, he was either untying the dog’s leash from a trash can or trying to tie it down. She was already walking away with the kids. He started arguing with two guys that were walking by – I think the dog was trying to run towards them and they said something. I had my ear buds in and could only hear muffled shouts and f-bombs. I turned around expecting a fight. She kept on walking away from him with a lack of concern that only comes with practice. She’s used to this by now.
This was how my morning walk began. It ended with a stop at the farmers’ market where I picked up some tomatoes, peaches, and fresh bread. Walking back from the market with the sun on my face and the plastic bag straps digging in to my hand, I was already missing Memphis. I’ve slowly built the kind of life I want if I’m going to be single. The thought of getting back to my place, having a second cup of coffee and reading made me smile and think this isn’t a bad start to the day.
Unfortunately, the rest of the day just sort of drifted in to an unsettled nothingness. I looked at the apartment and housing market out in the Seattle area – it’s expensive. I think looking only made me more anxious about not having this stuff settled. I cleaned a little here and just felt antsy. I went out with my friend last night. I feel like going out again tonight. All of this makes me feel like I’m backsliding on my ability to appreciate solitude.
I don’t know if they’re connected, but it seems that constantly checking for freelance work and then checking Facebook and Twitter and a dating site here and there has coincided with my decline in pursuing slower more introspective activities like reading and writing. Just a few weeks ago I could sit down and spend two or three hours writing. I remember reading about internet addiction and how always being connected changes the brain. I’ve felt it in the past… and suddenly it’s as if two weeks of being more connected has created this little dopamine fiend always looking for a new source of stimulation. I’m not sure what to do about it.
Both last night and this morning, walking around town, I felt the urge to be a part of something – any type of community.This too contributes to feeling unsettled. I’m struggling just to keep a train of thought as I write. I keep looking up, checking my phone, thinking I should sit on the balcony and have a beer, or go for a walk, or look for jobs, or or or.
And maybe we’re all feeling this way as the pandemic drags on. I think for now, I just have to roll with it, cut myself some slack, and wander around from thought to thought like the transient family that’s stumbled in to Memphis.