Perhaps the best indicator of my current attitude/mood/ambivalence/confusion with and towards the world is that out of the last 15 posts listed on the back-end of this blog, 11 of them remain in draft form. Despite attempting to write nearly every day, nothing coalesces. The subjects range from bitching about AI, to the enshittification of LinkedIn, to yet another grumble about the unfair link between wealth and freedom and power, to conversations with strangers at bars, to a small re-affirmation of Thoreau’s thought’s about the nature of work.
Part of the problem, a lot of the problem, is what I would consider to be my ongoing divergence from where modern society places value. I have a lot of days when I look at the world and think – “we’re just not compatible anymore. I think we need to break up.” And by break up, I mean living a life that doesn’t necessarily follow capitalism’s or America’s value system. These feelings run deep and have been building for years if not decades. There isn’t necessarily one singular point of contention or divergence, but I can locate a few triggers and examples.
Another part of the problem, which dovetails with my sense of divergence, is the national nightmare that is our current administration. After four years of relative calm, we’ve had 100 days of shock and disruption. It’s hard to figure out, much less focus on, the things that matter in the midst of all the chaos. Time and time again, we’re seeing loyalty win out over competence. I was already a skeptic of America as a meritocracy – the current administration takes a sledgehammer to that notion. Goodness and kindness and basic decency seem to be under direct attack. In the midst of the chaos, I find myself wanting to re-center more often – which makes focusing (especially on writing) difficult.
That’s where I am, and have been: scribbling down a few words here and there and often walking away feeling mildly frustrated. If there’s a benefit, a silver lining, it’s been that abandoning this form combined with the need to recenter and be present in the physical world seems to have sparked the creative writing efforts. Now if only I could sit down, edit, and submit.