The other day I ended a post suggesting that I need to write about time – specifically, as it relates to interests and schedules, work, and relationships with friends, family, and partners. Since moving to Memphis, my schedule has been pretty jacked up. My interests have been all over the place and time has been at a premium (usually). There are bands I want to see, people I want to meet, chores I have to get done, work tasks to accomplish…. Not to mention, sleep, time with the cat, writing, and exercise. There are still days when I’m embarrassed by the amount of time that I waste – not to mention, I love being still and doing nothing (my favorite part of the day was morning coffee with B).
I believe time and attention are among the greatest gifts we can give to someone else. I’m also a firm believer that, maybe with the exception of work, we put the most time into those things (and people) we love the most. Or at the very least, we make time for the things we enjoy or are important to us. Obviously, I’m painting with broad strokes. We can love a child or parent very much, and still resent the time that they sometimes occupy (that was a tricky sentence – I don’t want to seem callous, but I’ve known parents that resented being parents, children who have resented taking care of their parents, and lovers that felt they were being drained by their partner – this is what is meant when we call someone needy). Love is complicated in that way. It’s both a choice and an obligation, and navigating time (and attention) is one of the most difficult things two people can do together (see any of the literature on bids for attention by Gottman). Because time and attention are finite, they necessitate choice – and with choice comes intent, and with intent, often comes interpretation /misinterpretation sometimes followed by conflict. It typically plays out like this (in lots of settings). You blow me off when I need your time or attention. I assume (correctly or incorrectly) that I’m not important enough. I react and/or internalize; conflict and/or resentment builds. Repeat, until one person has had enough.
So how do we fit it all in? How do we build lives that are rich and meaningful and worthy of our time? For one, I think being present in the moment helps. Studies have shown (I’m too lazy as of this writing to cite any) that multitasking doesn’t work – it only means you’re doing a whole bunch of things half-assed. And… almost everyone is familiar with the phrase quality over quantity. Yet, we have a culture that absolutely values quantity. We have lots of work environments where people wear their long hours like a badge of honor. We have weddings where you get to spend 2 minutes with each guest – never anything deep. We have dating sites that are volume games – swipe as many profiles and see what sticks. These are all consequences of the limitations of time and spreading ourselves thin. What if we just slowed down?
My stab at this topic stems from my renewed interest in writing, and all of the other things I would like to do, but am struggling to find the time for (painting, photography, viewing art, reading). Aside from my daily Enso (which I’ve paused), the only painting I’ve done was this one from back in August. I did not have the patience to really stick with it… clearly I need to practice and put more time in.
Life gets busy. This is one of the reasons I think B and I talked about the later years with such yearning – retiring, so that we could enjoy each other’s company and pursue some of these other interests. Her job, at the time, was a complete time suck. She often had to stay late, and they had no issue with texting and emailing after hours and on weekends. For me, this became an issue (worthy of a post). They were intruding on her time and consequently our time, and she was already talking about how she needed time and space. It made her upset, which made me upset, which made her more upset. The first few times it happened, she was upset with them – I could see the aggravation on her face. Once I piled on, she became worried about my reaction – none of it was fair. Employers understand all too well, that we are always connected, and so they know that email that gets sent on a Sunday night, will probably be read on a Sunday night, and thought about on a Sunday night, and pull us from those things that are meant to recharge us, family, fun, friends, hobbies… It’s thoughtless at best, malicious at it’s worst. Her boss once said he likes to text later at night so that the team could sleep on ideas. As if it’s not enough to give your waking hours to work, he actively wanted to infiltrate sleep.
Ironically, I’ve since taken a job that requires a bit more of my non-work time to be devoted to work. I’m not dating anyone, nor do I expect to be, so it’s ok on that front… But I do want to pursue these other things. The job will also have me traveling a bit – I haven’t done that for work in quite some time. I hope to hold the line on work-life balance. I hope that being told it’s important isn’t lip service. In an odd way, this could have been just the type of switch that would have helped B and I find some balance – she was also considering taking time off or taking a less corporate job. My job necessarily would have given her some of that time and space that she wanted, and some new social circles (musicians and artists). It probably would have allowed us to travel a bit together (something a tarot reading once said would be what kept us moving forward and would help her let go of the past).
Admittedly, this is a pretty lame post about time… I’ll come back and revise – when I have more time.