I started off this morning writing a blog post about unconditional love. I’ve been talking with a friend – a woman I dated a few years back. In the course of our conversation she asked would I be able to trust my ex-fiancee again, would I be able to have her back in my life? It’s a question I’ve asked myself countless times. My answer to her was that we’d probably have to work on some things, but I never stopped seeing her as the woman I fell in love with. It’s not hard for me to envision the future we were planning. I avoid envisioning it because I’m pretty sure it’s out of reach, but it wouldn’t take much for me to be in that space again… When you can approach these things from a place of understanding, you find yourself able to just accept – this seems like the definition of unconditional.
I didn’t get very far with that post. I had decided that today would be the day I’d get my TN driver’s license. It seems silly to get a license when I’m almost certainly leaving the state, but my PA license expires in two days. I put off getting it when I first moved here because I had only signed a five-month lease and was planning on buying a house (no sense in doing a change of address form). Then I lost my job and figured I’d either be moving to a cheaper place here in Memphis or somewhere else for work. Neither of those things have come to pass – and so, a new license. I had tried to get this taken care of months ago when I switched my tags, but that building didn’t do licenses (and then COVID hit and things got shut down…)
The DMV offices here open at 8:30. Yesterday I got all of my paperwork together. I tried to make an online appointment, but the first available slot was in mid-September. Two of the online sites weren’t working. This seemed like an omen. Nevertheless, I drove out to the DMV closest to me – about 15-20 minutes away. I got there just after 8:30 and the parking lot was empty. Another car came by, and there was a kid standing near the building who told them the office was closed and they’d have to go to Millington (30 – 40 minutes away). I found a closer office and called to see if they were open. The recorded instructions were so long that I hung up and just drove there. I got to the other place a little after 9:00. The line was outrageous – probably 50 – 100 people long. I really didn’t have much of a choice. Standing in the 90 degree heat in a slow moving line, I had a new appreciation for the DMV in Bucks County – where there was never more than 5 or 6 people ahead of you. For the next two hours, I stood in line. I used my time well and prepped for my job interview.
At times, I couldn’t help but to think that this seems so typical of government and poor communities. The services are hard to access, overcrowded, and take up a lot of time. Years ago, I attended a poverty training in which I learned that the one thing poverty robs people of is time to plan. Poor people are constantly juggling how to pay for things, manage transportation, and navigate their way through difficult systems. I listened to the other people in line. I heard stories of why licenses were suspended and the crazy amount of money people owed in fines and fees. Not too long ago, Memphis started allowing people to pay on installment plans. There was a time when you had to pay all fines in full, which meant people were delinquent and racked up a ton of late fees. This happens in a lot of communities – enough so that John Oliver did an entire show on how our judicial and municipal systems punish the poor through fees on top of fees.Some municipalities rely on these fees for up to 30% of their revenue.
Nearly three hours later, I smiled for the camera and was handed a slip of paper that looked, and will function, like a driver’s license. The clerk told me I can expect my card in the next twenty days. Again, I was longing for the Bucks County DMV where I always walked out with a brand new card – no waiting for it in the mail. And I suppose I don’t mind waiting for it in the mail, except I may only be in Memphis for another 30 days and our current president is in the process of dismantling the postal service. It hadn’t occurred to me, until today, that entire states rely on the postal service to manage simple things like sending out driver’s licenses or worse, actual unemployment checks or welfare checks. Taking an ax to the postal service will hurt those who rely on it for their checks and for some very basic services.
With half a day lost to bureaucratic inefficiencies, I returned home to have some lunch and then sit for my job interview. This was my third conversation with the organization. It sounds like there will be one more before they decide if they’re going to make an offer. I’m pretty deep in to the process. I’ve “met” the CEO and other directors. Today I spoke with two board members, the CEO, and the two employees who would report to me. It’s tough to get this far in the process and not get invested in all of it. You have to imagine having the job… and because I’d be moving, I have to do research on things like housing and towns and commute times and, yes, the dating scene. I’ve done this before. Last year, I spent a weekend in St. Louis looking at houses and neighborhoods and doing an in-person third round interview… only to find out I didn’t get the job. In some respects, it’s a lot like dating. You envision a future and sometimes the other person isn’t on the same page as you. Not only that, but you start to cut yourself off from other potential dates because you want to focus your attention on the job/person in front of you.
The interview went well – though I say that about all of them. I was surprised at the post-interview anxiety I felt. I wanted to just get it all over with and move and start the job. I try to keep myself in check. No matter how well I think I did, there’s a good chance that they have an equally qualified, or more qualified, local candidate. And while I rely heavily on my charm and knowledge, I have to remember I’m in fundraising – they’re all personable and outgoing and charming.
By 3:30, I was ready for a beer and I kinda just wanted to chat it up with a friend or decompress or debrief or or or… The beer and writing helped. I feel like I should be doing more to prepare for a move or to land work, but some days, just managing the machinations of the DMV and doing a job interview seem more than productive. Which leaves little time to ruminate on the nature of unconditional love, let alone write about it. I hope to get back to that… but today was mostly about this.