I’ve mentioned (and lamented) my new, old habit of wasting time on social media and non-social media (or I guess what could just be called regular old media – news). Entire hours go by, which bleeds into the day, and the next thing I know that cat is bugging me to feed him dinner. The news doesn’t change all that often, or at least not as often as I hit refresh. This is what stagnation feels like. A slow death of little or no mental or personal stimulus. My reading is slow and sporadic. My writing is even slower and more sporadic. This is how I get before I have somewhere to be. I shut down. I begin thinking, why start anything new when I just have to leave in a few minutes. Except the somewhere to be is out of my apartment in two months, and the shutting down is of life in general. Or at least that’s what it feels like I’m doing. The country shutting down for COVID isn’t helping.
I honestly couldn’t tell you how I spent my day yesterday. I know I went for a long walk and lifted. I know I finished Gilbert’s section on Italy in Eat, Pray, Love. I know I applied to a few volunteer positions. I gave some thought to how I might try to make some money as a freelancer (me and every other mid-level manager, marketer, writer, who thinks they understand business). I know I spent a few hours looking for jobs before going to bed. If there was a highlight to the day, it was another gorgeous sunset – followed by a downpour. I got caught in the downpour and had to stand on a side street shielded by a building and a tree and still got pretty soaked (I was at least a mile away from my place).
As I left the park 
Hiding from the rain
It just occurred to me that I applied for the volunteer jobs today before going out for a run – I also think that’s when I was looking at freelance gigs. It’s bad when the days blend together like this. Either out of boredom or because I’m actually tired or maybe it’s that big D word everyone avoids, I’ve been taking more naps than usual. They’re usually no longer than ten minutes. I think I took three of them yesterday. I only took one today.
I’ve been re-reading and editing some of my older posts. Mostly, I’m reading to see if the writing is any good (it’s not bad) and to see if I’ve been fair in how I talk about the people in my life (mostly my ex-fiancee). The desire to be fair is an over-correction for some of the other feelings I have. I’m constantly in this battle between keeping an open heart and closing myself off; between being understanding and being angry. Spiritually, the open heart is the way I want to live my life. I believe that anger, while a natural part of the human experience, is, if held on to for too long, corrosive. I get bummed / angry when I think that I’ve lost over a year of my life to this – I start to feel like she stole this past year from me. It’s not a fair statement / sentiment to blame her, but it creeps in. And as easy as it is to say that I have a choice in whether or not I move forward and how – it’s never quite that easy.
Were We? Weren’t We?
Two of those Psych2Go videos I mentioned the other day were “6 signs you were never in love” and “8 signs you were actually in love.” I also watched videos on gaslighting, dismissive personality types, etc. etc. because at times, the cognitive dissonance caused by my break up – the sudden walking away and blaming and some of the statements that were made has made me question my reality far more often than I care to. As I stated the other day, I have mixed feelings about the over-simplification of the videos… yet, they gave me pause for consideration.
In the “never in love” video, the first “sign” (moving too quickly) was absolutely true for us. We moved pretty quickly, and I might have obsessed about her and fantasized about our future together… That said, it was always a realistic approach. I had dated a lot of people and this just felt different. The timing felt right the connection felt indescribable. It felt more like a fascination and intense curiosity “who is this person, I love all these little things I learn about them” as opposed to an obsession. The second sign talks about idolizing, infatuation, and being disappointed with the real person. In a strange way, I really appreciated that she was flawed, that she had things to work on, and that she was a complex individual. I always told my ex-fiancee that we would disappoint each other over and over again and I hoped to disappoint her better than anyone else (I happened to re-read that particular Stephen Dunn poem “Mon Semblable” yesterday morning). I’m fairly convinced that I saw her with my eyes wide open. But… I only saw what she was willing to show. We seldom see what’s being held back.
Unfortunately, watching the video also made me consider that what she felt for me wasn’t true love and may have been more of an infatuation. She often expected me to be perfect in my responses to situations, to never be critical. The more I’ve thought about these things, the more I’ve realized that she didn’t share with me the way I shared with her. I gave her poems from poets I liked, wrote poems about us, gave her notes every morning. I created a home for her at Christmas, tried to get things from her family that would make her feel at home in Philly… while she decorated her place without me, which included hanging one of her late husband’s ornaments (which in and of itself isn’t a big deal, but it suggests that she didn’t consider how it might make me feel). I intentionally hid the ornaments that belonged to my marriage. I created space for her in every way possible. I suspect she kept a lot to herself.
The second video: 8 signs it was real only furthered my sense that, at least for me, it was real. I shared my deepest secrets, it felt like we were the only thing that mattered, I never used ultimatums, we had our share of love/hate moments, things never became routine for us, it absolutely felt like home, and I saw a future with her. The one “sign” that didn’t ring true was the control issue. I don’t think of myself as controlling, but I know I hold on too tightly, and I know that was an issue for my ex-fiancee. There are a lot of reasons for it – I have trust issues that date back to my brother and I competing for our father’s attention and approval, and my first girlfriend cheating on me, etc. etc. Jealousy is a normal, and at times healthy, thing to feel – I suspect mine tips a little beyond that. I think it would have tapered off as we got more comfortable with each other, but her preferences to be alone instead of spend time with me were enough to trigger my insecurities. Again, watching this video, made me say that, on my side of the equation, it was as real as I’ve ever felt it. But, I know she held back her secrets, I watched as she saw every problem as evidence that it wasn’t working instead of as being a challenge for us to overcome (though even that isn’t entirely true – she suggested therapy so that we could work on things together). I don’t know if she felt like it was home or if she thought it had become routine. IT’s not up to me to determine if it was real or not for her.
So Why Retread?
If there is one lesson that I walk away from in all of this, ok, maybe a few lessons… they are:
1. Be careful when it comes to other people’s feelings. We all want to please, we all want to be accepted, but if you’re not certain, if your intentions aren’t pure, don’t go along with it just to make the other person happy. I’ve always considered myself to be a pretty resilient person – someone who can roll with it, someone who can bounce back up. I would have never guessed that I’d question my own reality as much as I have this past year, that I’d have had to spend as much time convincing myself it was the real thing, that I’d have lost one or two years just trying to get back to myself…with so many many many setbacks. The damage we can do to each other is pretty real. And while I don’t think people are malicious in their intentions, it’s important to know yourself so as not to hurt someone else.
2. Never underestimate or downplay what someone else has been through. As much as I tried to understand what my ex-fiancee might have gone through in losing her husband and her mother, I couldn’t possibly understand. Reading and being sensitive only goes so far, but true understanding comes from sharing and trying to put yourself in that position. I suspect that she cared much more for her husband than she ever let on – it’s natural to hide those feeling from your new partner. I wish we would have talked about those things more.
3. Sharing and vulnerability, especially when starting over at this age, is important. In order for someone to truly see you and understand you and your needs, you have to open up. And the kicker here is that you may not know yourself or your needs all that well until you’re in the middle of it. I had no idea how afraid I was of losing her – to her job, to her friends, to her writing, to therapy and her past – until I was in it. And it took a lot of digging to figure out why I was afraid of these things. It wasn’t anything she was doing (though her leaving early in the relationship and threatening to leave didn’t help).
Why retread? Because like a lot of people, I seek validation – perhaps even more so than most. I seek authenticity and truth and honesty. What would I do if I had answers? I suppose if after watching videos like these and thinking about it, my ex said, it wasn’t real for her, than I can justify some of my anger in thinking there are better ways to be with and care for other people. I can fall back behind a curtain of righteousness and say you shouldn’t toss around words like love so carelessly – at least not that type of love. You shouldn’t dream with someone if you plan on reserving the right to walk away. Of course we all have that right, but if you value that more than the responsibility (and joy) of staying, then you probably shouldn’t get involved in the first place. And if she said it was real… well, that would probably be worse, because then I’d think there is always hope. Maybe that’s why I’m drawn to the Banksy image I have hanging in my bedroom. You can’t tell if the heart balloon heart is being let go or if the little girl is reaching out to as it blows by her… and I suppose it doesn’t matter if love is coming or going, the message is always the same: “There is always hope.”