I’ll preface this post by saying, the words don’t seem to want to come out this morning. Quite literally, I feel like I’m forgetting certain words or struggling to pick the right words. What I hope to write about, what I’m trying to write about are these competing urges to sit still (Buddhism) and to make a move (capitalism, altruism, anxious modernism).
I am somewhat frozen by the times in which we currently live. That makes me uncomfortable. I don’t mean this isolation business – yes, there is that, we’re all doing that. I mean a general inability to act. I am uncomfortable sitting this one out. I feel like I have something to give, an energy without an outlet. For months, I’ve peppered my reading with lots of writers that touch on the Buddhist approach to any and all struggle, which is to sit with it. As evidenced by the vast majority of my blog posts, I’ve been sitting with the many feelings associated with a romantic partnership – trying to understand the ups and downs of two people maintaining their independence but also functioning as one. Today, and recently, I’ve been trying to understand where I fit in the world.
Yesterday I wrote about the undercurrent that coursed through my day which was this notion of wanting to be missed, remembered, thought of, etc. etc. After writing, I went for a walk along the river. The sun played hide and seek with the clouds and the river was swollen from recent heavy rains. Pictures never do it justice.
As I walked, I thought. I asked myself, what am I striving for – with the writing, in my next relationship, in life? What, if anything, am I trying to prove. I thought a lot about the nature of change – and I tried to think about how I’ve changed. I met up with my friend Katherine and her kiddo at a park. Her son played in the mud and then whined about being muddy – ahhh kids. We hung out for a little bit, talked, and I continued to watch the sky and clouds. Some really dark clouds rolled in, the wind picked up and it started to rain. We went our separate ways, she on her bike and me on foot. Within seconds, the rain became a fierce downpour. The water was cold and the driving wind made it feel as though it were lashing at my back – it stung a bit. You can only get so wet, and I had about four or five blocks of walking to go. Instead of fighting it, I gave in to it and decided a normal pace would do just as well a hurried one. I passed a homeless couple huddled under the overhang of a large building. They were setting up cardboard on the cement, and pulling ragged blankets close. I thought about the luxury I have of being able to go home and change, and how this is their everyday. Seeing them slowed me down even more, made me a bit defiant against the elements.
I returned to thinking about the notion of change – looked at it from the self-help point of view, and quickly rejected it as “progress.” I’ve certainly changed, and while I often write about being the person I wish to find, I came to a slightly different conclusion on the purpose. I’ve said motivations are slippery and often more than singular – like trying to hold a nest of eels. Yes, some of my actions over the past year have been towards “self improvement,” some have been in an effort to show my ex-fiancee, B, that I’m a different person, some have been in an effort to show myself that I’m a different person, some have been in an attempt to be a “better” person, and some to prove that I am also the same person – this is just me, rediscovered…. The more I thought about it, I kept coming back to the word understanding. Much of the journey (and I cringe at writing such a “new age” word) has been with purpose and also without purpose – much of it has been in search of nothing more than understanding (of self, of other, of world, of how it all fits).
Being unemployed during a pandemic and sitting on a little bit of cash from the sale of my house has given me the opportunity to see some aspects of the world as a chance to “start over.” It’s made me think about what are the assets that I have, and how can I employ them? What are the things I want (and by things, I don’t really mean objects)? In a world of chaos, what step should/could I take, and in which direction? Admittedly, I have some competing interests. I want to get ahead – I’ve never really done that in life…. I’m still working on a definition of that as well as the why. I suppose by get ahead, I simply mean find some security or freedom or agency. There seem to be two ways of doing this – increase wealth and/or decrease wants. Certainly gratitude is a way to approach a system by finding small joys… taking a walk during lunch in the middle of a day where you find yourself hating your job. Finding little silver linings, choosing to see and think and feel. I want to enjoy the richness of life, and I want to help other people enjoy the richness of life – or at least help them have the opportunity to enjoy it. I want to be able to follow different paths, test different ideas. I am constantly trying to figure out how I can put my assets to use for people who have less than I do…. is this just a projection of what I want for myself?
Identifying those assets is sometimes a challenge. I sometimes dream of getting wildly rich so that I can turn around and give most of it away. I sometimes think I should go back to school again, and become a therapist (I have been told by lots of people that I have a natural gift for it). I sometimes think of being a Kerouac like dharma bum.
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A few paragraphs up, my train of thought was broken by some texts with a friend. She needed to share some of her story, a brother who is schizophrenic, differences with her parents. Her birthday was two days ago and this discord made her really upset. I’m sure the social distancing doesn’t help. I’ll probably come back to this post to add to it – or just start a new one. More and more, I come back to writers like Whitman or the poem How To Like It. How is it possible to feel like you have so much to offer and yet also feel like the best answer is to be still? Isn’t a feeling of being cut short part of what we all battle against – whether it’s a relationship, a job, time with friends, family, pets? This is the paradox of potential. We want good to be better – we’re all greedy in one way or another. I want to be doing more and I want to appreciate exactly what I’m doing now.