This is not at all what the title might imply…. intentionally so. Today I spent part of my day at Cafe Keough. I tried to write, texted a bit with a women in Kentucky, read some great poems. I wanted to quote everything.
You can walk out of your life
if sadness properly instructs you.
And can't humiliation send you,
knees bleeding, over the forbidden wall?
The woman in Kentucky wanted to see where I was. I sent these two pictures.
Tonight I didn’t write – except for this post. I spent most of the night listening to music. I was texting with my friend Lisa and said I was wasting time like a pro. That phrase like a pro was an inside joke between my ex-fiancee and I. It was one of our more playful moments, and suddenly the gravity of remembering that phrase hit me. Those are the things I wouldn’t mind letting go…
But this post, which I think will be short is more about letting go in general. About a week ago I wrote about not dancing. I wrote about how uptight I can be – outwardly laid back, but inwardly always in control. Tonight I was going to try to paint again. I started with a sketch of the table outside cafe keough…. It’s ok for a beginner, but what I realized is that I don’t necessarily want to hold true to form. I want to be more bold, more free with art. This is a theme – this blog is about becoming a bit more fearless. I have a watercolor hanging in my apartment that is closer to the type of art I’d like to create.
There’s no hesitation, there’s a bold commitment to line and form in a very non-realistic way. I want to learn to let go a bit. I want to see the world in more abstract ways – not so literally. As I looked at this painting, I thought to myself, just do it. Just attempt something, anything. I couldn’t. No ideas came to me, no images. I continue to try to be the person I want to find. To set myself free inch by inch. Even on a night where I didn’t create in the way I wanted to, I felt myself closer to trying. One day I will learn to let go, and I think I’ll be better for it.