New Year’s Day was a good day. I opened the blinds to beautiful colors in the sky. After breakfast I sat on the sofa with a cup of coffee and read/wrote. I talked and caught up with my parents. I texted a former colleague to wish her a happy New Year. I bought a book from a poet I met in Santa Fe (I had said I’d be in touch once I settled – she said me remembering and reaching out to buy the book was the best start to a new year she could ask for). I went for a four-mile run along the waterfront. I deleted some old photos, emails, and texts. On the dating apps, I deleted profiles of people who have liked me but I don’t think would be a good fit. I ordered some things for the apartment (including a sustainably sourced throw blanket and new ball cap that says Jawn). I made (and ate) pork and sauerkraut. I took a long walk after dinner. I stopped at the grocery store to get some stuff to make banana bread. Just before bed, I wrote down three things that made me smile during the day: the morning colors, a very small toddler running in the playground, the sight of the San Francisco skyline on my run.
The deletions (texts, photos, emails, and profiles) gave me the most pause. Sometimes, re-reading something would trigger a memory. In the case of the profiles of the people who have liked me, I thought about the missed opportunity to get to know someone (I might not want to date them, but they seem cool to hang out with). In a lot of cases, digital stuff had just accumulated – at the time, I didn’t think to delete that text with the 2-factor authentication code, or that profile, or that junk email.
I was looking for a text-thread from a person I had worked with when I was living in Memphis. She lives out here and I thought I’d reach out to say hello. Specifically, I wanted to connect to see if she could tell me more about the blues scene. I’m thinking of getting involved with the blues society, but I want to get a sense if it’s a territorial and drama-filled rat’s nest before I do. As I searched, I came across the final text from an employee I had to dismiss. Even though we had texted before, I was texting to make sure she got an email I had sent and she wrote back “who is this?” That was the type of triggering crap that I’d just as soon forget. Also in the purge were texts from an ex’s family and friends, group texts between my family and that ex, and a thread from a former friend who stopped being my friend when that ex and I broke up. Only the former friend thing got under my skin.
The photos I deleted were mostly selfies I had taken. Me on the back deck holding a beer, me on a hike, etc. etc. I don’t like selfies and I don’t take particularly good photos of myself. It usually takes five or six tries to get one photo where I don’t look like I just stepped on a Lego or am gassy and about to shit myself. In the moment, I don’t delete any of the photos, and then they just pile up. Other deleted photos included barcodes that I had to upload for rebates, receipts from dark bars where I needed to zoom in to see the total so I could tip accordingly, and profile pics of cute women who liked me but with whom I never bothered to connect. I have a lot more photos I should probably delete, but it’s a slow process.
As for the profiles… this is where I’ve been really bad in letting things accumulate and where I’d like to be more deliberate (or discerning and ruthless). Using features like travel mode or just placing it out here by calling Alameda or Hayes Valley my current location, I’ve had my dating profile on the west coast for the better part of a year (maybe more). It’s mostly been in the Bay Area because this was where I thought I’d move, but occasionally it’s been in cities like San Diego, Seattle, and Austin. I had planned on moving last April-ish. I was serious enough about it that I took a scouting trip in February/March. That plan kept getting pushed back. I didn’t really talk with anyone on the apps because I wasn’t actually out here. The few times I did engage, it fizzled because I wasn’t actually out here. Then, as I traveled around the country, I accumulated additional profiles in the cities I visited. What makes all of this feel icky is that behind each profile is a person – a real live person… and I don’t like talking about them as though they’re trading cards or ceramic figurines.
In our quick swipe right/swipe left culture, I know (or I suspect) very little thought is put into liking or not liking a profile – but that’s not how I’ve traditionally approached it. For almost every person who has liked me, I’ve trie to read through and see what they’re about (even if I’m not attracted to them or they’re in a different city)… Then, instead of deleting, I just let it sit there thinking, “they might be a really nice person, or they might be interesting, or I could learn something about macramé from them, or wow, we like the same bands…” And that’s not how dating apps work. People are on there to connect romantically or sexually or both, but seldom because they see the intrinsic value in our shared human-ness. As such, as of yesterday, I had over 550 figurines on one dating app and over 650 trading cards on another.
In some respects, it felt good to purge and clean out, but then I’d think that it should never feel good to purge human beings (even if they are just profiles or text threads). I always have this slight pang of guilt in doing so. I don’t like the idea of throwing people, relationships (past or potential), or history away. Maybe this is the year for me to practice temporary gratitude. Maybe this is the year in which I learn to hold something with one hand while letting it go with the other. I’ve never done a gratitude journal, but yesterday I started. I may or may not share those things here, but I’m hoping to build a daily habit of finding/noticing/reflecting on three to five things that made me smile that day. It started with yesterday’s sunrise… and because I knew I wanted to remember it and be appreciative of it, I carried that moment with me throughout the day. It was like a lucky coin in my pocket that my fingers randomly rediscovered and rubbed shiny. And maybe the act of writing it down somewhere will allow me to hold it for a day and also let it go. If joy isn’t meant to be a crumb, learning to indulge in life’s temporary but plentiful feasts seems like reasonable sustenance for a life well-lived.