I spent my afternoon reading and editing some of my older posts. I also revised and still didn’t send the email to my ex-fiancee that I mentioned in my earlier post. There’s a good chance I won’t send it. When I’ve reached out in the past a few different things happen. First, I almost immediately regret hitting send. Then I spend a lot of time re-reading to see if I struck the right tone, was there anything harsh? unfair? sappy? Then when I don’t hear back I get bummed and think to myself – “why can’t you just not do that – this always bums you out?” If I hear back, well, it usually doesn’t go well.
Having written it might suffice. I feel like I am getting a sense of closure – which is that her version of the story doesn’t change the way I felt about her. I let the blame and harsher statements get to me and I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out if she really loved me. I got hung up on the disconnect between the loving things she said all along and the denial at the end. The slow revelation seems to be – none of that matters. I loved fully, unconditionally, messily and with lots of imperfections and a willingness to always try harder. Sometimes you meet your person but you aren’t theirs. I think she really wanted me to be her person and I think at times in the relationship she really loved me. It’s a little like discovering what unconditional love means… you do it without expectation of it being reciprocated. And it feels so much better to approach it that way than to try to blame or find fault or shoulder blame.
With that, I left the apartment for a walk along the river. I felt like I had a little more bounce in my step. I could feel myself smiling a bit more. I felt a little more confident in knowing I that I put it all on the table. I’m may not be ready to meet someone new, but I feel closer to closure than I did a week or a month ago. I expect to have “relapses” but it’s not where I was tonight. I went to my happy place, one of the benches along the river and caught another beautiful sunset. I tried to take a selfie – I still don’t smile all that well, must be a filter on my camera or something.
The sunsets have been pretty great the last few nights… They were not something I was expecting here in Memphis.
Sunset on the Mississippi 7-7-20 
Sunset from Front Street Memphis 7-7-2020
Sunset from South Main Street, Memphis 7-9-20 
Sunset on the Mississippi 7-9-20
I came home, tried my hand at painting, and wrote this post – happy to have a little swagger back.
