Two nights in a row, I’ve sat down to add to the awesomeness of TurtleSloth and have had nothing to say. Not that I’ve said much so far, but I literally looked at the blank screen and couldn’t think of a thing to write about. At various times, I thought about writing about my ex, B – telling that story in detail. I don’t think I have the energy, and I’m not sure I could get it right. She is, without a doubt, the main preoccupation of my mind – has been since the day I met her. My thoughts are never far removed from her, and I often wonder if I occupy any of her headspace. One of the great ironies of our relationship and subsequent end is that on more than one occasion she expressed concern that if things didn’t work, or if we were no longer together that I would forget all about her – forget all the good times we had. Since breaking up, I’ve always been the one to reach out and say I miss her and that I have too many good memories of us, and she has been the one to almost disown the whole relationship – never share any memories, pretend it never happened. People are complicated…. was her worry of being forgotten a projection of how she knows her relationships end – with her moving on and forgetting?
My biggest quandary today was deciding where to live down in Memphis. I had it narrowed down to two places – both apartments. Eventually, I’d like to get a house and big dog. I don’t have time to do that right now, so a short-term lease seems to be my next best option. The choices came down to an apartment in downtown Memphis and one about 15 minutes away in a kinda hip neighborhood. The pros for downtown are that it’s only a 20 minute walk from my office, it has an onsite gym, has a pool, seems to have it’s own community, is about a 15 minute walk from the river, and is close to Beale St. The pros for the hip neighborhood is that it’s close to a lot of cool restaurants and a few music venues, is near a big park and the zoo, and is probably a little quieter with less crime. While the downtown apartment has lots of amenities and is newer, it’s also about $600/month more… For a lot of reasons, I thought I would want to do the cheaper place, but because I’ve never lived in the middle of a city, and because it’s only for a few months, I opted for the downtown place….. It’s weird. As I wrote that sentence, I began to wonder if B would have approved of my choice… five months gone and she still influences a lot of my thinking.
Even with all of this activity… selling the house, moving to Memphis, starting a new job, getting rid of my stuff, saying goodbye to friends and family, I still find myself stuck. Paralyzed in the amber of indecision. Perhaps I should try to meditate again,clear the head from time to time. All of the stress has made me exhausted. I haven’t slept well for a really long time. I don’t think I will sleep well again for a really long time.
Stuck.