Given the fiction I was composing earlier this morning, one might have thought I’d have spent my afternoon writing. One would be wrong. After my deliciously simple lunch, I had coffee and read a little bit. It occurred to me that this morning I read poetry, which might have gotten the creative juices going. This afternoon, I was back to reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s book. I had just finished a chapter where she and a friend are deciding one word that defines the thoughts of a city – for Rome, they decide it’s sex. For New York, achieve, For L.A. succeed. They then try to think of a single word for their family and ultimately she tries to think of her word. It was an interesting concept.
I’m not sure I know Memphis well enough to know what its word is. The city has adopted the word grind – they also will say grit and grind. I might go with something like pretense… and not in a negative way but in a keeping up appearances kind of way. In southern culture in general there is a hospitality and friendliness… but as an outsider there’s a sense that nobody will tell you what they’re really thinking (polite people don’t do that). They’re fond of saying “bless” or “bless their heart” which really means “what an ass” or “I hope that person gets hit by a train, bless his heart….”
I’m not sure sure what my word would be. I’d love for it to be thoughtful or kind or creative, but I suspect it’s more along the lines of earnest or considerate. It might also be teammate or partner. My ex-fiancee once told me that I treat being in our relationship as though it were my essence. I know my philosophy has been that almost anything I enjoy alone is enhanced by the presence of my partner – or at least that was the conclusion I was coming to a few years ago and it was certainly something I felt this last time around.
Lately, I’ve been reading a handful of articles in Psychology Today. I still read a lot about relationships with a smattering of things about creativity or loneliness or happiness, etc. Yesterday I was reading an article on why we do what we do “A Psychological Model to Find Meaning in Life.” In it, the author proposes several sub-hypotheses. One is that we are usually moving towards some sort of ideal. Another is that we measure our progress both internally and through the people around us. Another is that when we lose sight of our ideal, we get caught up in internal conflict. The ideal can be any number of things, achievement at work, meaningful relationships, being a good parent, being educated in one or several areas, etc. etc. The conflict arises when something contradicts our actions towards our ideal. The person who puts work at the center of their universe loses a sense of meaning when they are let go or the job function shifts to something with less meaning. The person whose ideal is in being a good parent, struggles as an empty nester. If my word is partner or teammate, having been told I wasn’t a good partner caused a fair amount of internal conflict. I know that in jobs, I look to be useful more than I look for advancement or anything else. Allow me to feel like I’m helping and I’m golden, take a project away from me or put me on the sidelines and I’m sullen.
Tonight, instead of reading psych articles, I watched a bunch of short videos from Psych2Go. This was after having to bail on my evening walk because another wicked storm came barrelling through (lightening struck close enough to set of the building alarms and it took about 20 minutes for the fire department to get here and turn them off). Nothing quite like a piercing alarm to calm the nerves. The Psych2Go videos are pop psychology mixed with click bait titles like 5 signs you’re in a toxic relationship or 8 ways to know if it was true love. It’s a shame that they use that approach because much of what they say in the videos (about attachment theory and relationship advice) is what a lot of experts say. I probably watched a dozen of these videos. The other problem with them is that they are too broad in their assessments and it’s too easy to see what you want to see. I walked away thinking, yep I was engaged to a dismissive narcissist, but it was also absolutely true love, and I might have been controlling and insecure but also needy and easily controlled and maybe I was the narcissist… my point being that it becomes really easy to slap a label on someone or on yourself and skip over all of the nuance. We all have narcissistic tendencies or dismissive or needy or… I hate to think that there might be people out there watching these videos and making actual decisions based on what they’re seeing. “I kinda thought we were wrong for each other and then I saw a two minute video that proved it.” The truth is, if you’re inclined to believe your partner is an abusive narcissist, the video of the 6 signs will probably only firm up your belief. If the videos were all linked together (as opposed to being in these short specific chunks) one might get a more nuanced picture. So while one might believe their partner is a jerk, if they then watched the video that said love and hate come from the same part of the brain and are inextricably linked, they might see their disdain for their partner as a sign of love for them. This was why I watched so many – I wanted a more balanced picture.
While I’m ending the night with this post – a recap of the rest of my day and very little substance…. I will add a picture of a painting I did tonight. I was inspired by an abstract piece I saw the other day and created my own version. I have a lot to learn in terms of blending colors and creating depth, but the thing I was really trying to get to was a lanky dark figure against a bright background. It is more abstract than what I would normally try, and that makes me happy. I did this one on paper as a practice in case I want to do something similar on canvas.
