Notwithstanding the crappy dream and lack of sleep, I’ve been productive and had a bounce in my step (so far) today. I finished the book of poetry I was reading (Robert Hass, Human Wishes). It was one of the better volumes I’ve read – every few pages I felt inspired to write more and by the end, I felt like I could call him up and chat or go have dinner with him. I already plan to re-read a number of the poems and share some of the sections and lines that spoke to me (you’re welcome). After lunch I sat on the balcony noodling around on the computer and decided to buy a kindle version of a Hass book (though I also contemplated how I think I want to move away from using Amazon in favor of local businesses). I saw a volume on sale for $2 and jumped at it. A few minutes later I realized I already have a copy here – it was one of the books I unpacked the other day. I had gotten an uncorrected proof back when I worked in publishing. I knew the cover looked familiar.
Before lunch I sent a feeler email out for a part-time remote content specialist job. I’m not a copywriter… I’m lucky if I can spell copywriter (is it one word or two). I’m trying to think of work that might allow for a flexible schedule and allow me the freedom of movement (work from hotel rooms, etc.). The job is with a consulting group that specializes in fundraising for nonprofits. Unfortunately, I don’t have the traditional portfolio that other people will have, but I have some public reports that I’ve written along with some campaign materials that I can send along as samples. If I can get my foot in the door somewhere, I can get some experience under my belt. In starting over, getting someone to take a chance on you is always the hardest part. I also wrote to a United Way that had a CEO position open, and as soon as I’m done this post, I’ll be sending my info to another United Way looking for a VP of Resource Development.
Yesterday, or maybe it was Saturday, I decided I should try the standing desk approach to being at home and on the computer so much. Despite working out almost every day, I feel like I can’t get rid of the tiny gut I built this past year – thank you beer, thank you wine, thank you inactivity, thank you depression. I’m never going to have washboard abs, but there was a time a few years ago when I was a bit more fit, a little less jiggly. I’m still in pretty good shape, I even have some women tell me I’m hot (blush)… but between the shoulder pain and the gut, I thought it might be worth trying something new. I hunch a lot when I sit at the table, and constantly have to remind myself to improve my posture (I might even try, gasp, yoga). And because having a folding table as your dining room table isn’t chic enough, I added the posh moving box accessory. Standing is giving me a different type of pain and tightness, but I can also tell that I’m moving around a lot more (maybe even bopping and dancing as I type).
Revisiting the poem I posted this morning and the entry from last night about negative reappraisal – I’ve been thinking about how stubborn I can be when I feel like I’m being principled. I recognize that in every situation (personal, romantic, professional) there are multiple sides to the story. My version is not the only version of the truth… but I will always go to bat for it. I was texting with a woman in Atlanta last night – she asked if I was working during the pandemic and I gave a brief explanation of “currently looking for opportunities.” She responded with the question “What did you do?” And I immediately felt defensive like I crapped on the carpet and was having my nose rubbed in it like a bad dog. Fortunately, I realized she meant what did I do for work, but I was surprised at how immediate my reaction was. The long and somewhat convoluted points I’m trying to make are that 1. I can be pretty easily triggered over some of the events of the past year (just something I need to be aware of). 2. I will defend and hold on to my version of the story pretty tightly – which can make letting go hard. 3. It’s important to try to work these things out and not carry baggage as I go out looking (for a new partner or a new job).
I feel like I know myself well enough to say that in my relationship with my ex-fiancee, B, or really any relationship that I’ve had, negative reappraisal isn’t how I work. My ex-wife and I may have fallen out of love with each other, but we still cared for each other and I don’t think either of us walked away angry. In fact, I usually see it as a red flag when someone places blame on the other party or badmouths their ex. Listening to the voice mails (while not helpful) or seeing pictures (also not helpful) doesn’t bring up bad memories…. In negative reappraisal you’re supposed to write down the things you didn’t like about the other person or think of negative things when you feel that sense of nostalgia. The theory is that it’s a way to rebalance the unrealistic and idealistic associations. I can’t get behind that theory. Her voice was sweet on those messages, her smiles were real in those pictures. When her ex boyfriend (or perhaps he’s back to being current boyfriend – see “Those Words Unsaid“) wrote critical things both on this blog and to me in an email, I felt the need to defend her. And while some might see that as the way dysfunctional families behave (I can say bad things about them, but as soon as you do….), I simply look at it from what I’ve thought was an honest view. Like all of us, she had her unkind moments – for me they were never deal breakers, they were simply moments that we needed to work through.
I suppose a similar but opposite approach (positive reappraisal) might be useful in helping me answer questions about my former employer…. and this is where the stubbornness comes in (and why I don’t always like cognitive behavior therapy). I have no interest in tricking my mind in to believing a different narrative. I can think of a dozen situations in which it was a toxic working environment. I took my concerns to the board of directors knowing I might get fired.
I have very little interest in trying to put a positive spin on “tell me about a time when you encountered a challenge at your last job and how you worked around it?” I also have very little interest in trying to put a negative spin on B or our relationship. These are the qualities that I believe make me a good employee and a good partner.