The other night, for no reason other than my typical doom-scrolling and being unable to fall asleep, I checked one of my social media accounts – an account I seldom check. I had received a follow from a woman I went on a date with two years ago when I visited San Francisco. We had really nice time together on that date. For me, it was one of those effortless, glowing moments full of potential. Despite both of us wanting to go out again, she concluded that we wanted different things out of life. That’s how it goes sometimes.
I know I’ve seen this woman’s profile as a recommended friend / connection on other accounts (LinkedIn and maybe Facebook). The creepy algorithms do that. In fact, very recently, I saw a bunch of former colleagues from various jobs, the man who would have been my father-in-law had I gotten married again, a friend of the woman I almost married, and about 6 different people who I’ve exchanged numbers with on dating apps all listed as potential connections.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a small jolt of excitement when I saw the follow from this woman. I’d be lying if I said my mind didn’t run through several scenarios of what reconnecting might look like. I held off on reaching out. I scrolled some more. I tried to go to sleep a few more times. I went to sleep.
My dreams seemed influenced by this non-interaction connection. I woke with no details, just the ghost of a presence. Walks with an nondescript person in the warm spring air, laughter, low-lit dinners.
That morning, wanting to follow that ghost, I followed her back on social media. She accepted. I scrolled her pictures. She seems to be living a lovely and peaceful life. It was one of the things that I found so attractive about her – a soul whose presence seemed to radiate peace. From what I can tell, she’s living the life she described wanting when we met – the life that seemed incompatible with my trajectory. She has a newborn. She has a partner. She might have moved away from the city and into the country-side (or at least has greater access to the woods). Seeing all of this, I felt genuinely happy for her.
The snapshot of her life put me in a reflective mood. It sent me down parallel tracks of thought.
She knew what she wanted back then and now has it. Sometimes, I wish I could be that determined, or lucky, or both. I’ve never been one to set goals and pursue them – at least not in any structured or disciplined way. I sometimes wonder if not doing so is my way of avoiding failure/disappointment or of cultivating this “roll with it” persona that I’m somewhat fond of. Furthermore, some of the things that I’ve pursued most doggedly seemed to have slipped away precisely because of my pursuit. I’ve adapted a very let it go, let it be attitude over the years.
Seeing the major changes in her life in these past two years, also reminded me that big changes can happen in a short amount of time. (I suppose the work I’ve done to move and settle out here is evidence of a major life change and of pursuing/achieving a goal.) Seeing her smile while sitting next to her partner and with her child reminded me of the warmth/peace/domesticity? that I once sought in my own life – which isn’t to say that my life is full of strife and struggle now or that I wouldn’t welcome that sort of change, but simply that the friends I’ve made so far, do not bring that level of comfort. They’re different kinds of friends.
I suppose the overarching sentiment that I was feeling was one of inspiration. One in which I was saying, “good for her. I should get my act together: meet new people, write more, take a trip somewhere, expand the horizons into which I might one day settle.” And maybe that’s what I’m really looking for: other people (more people) who inspire me, who make other ways of being in the world not only seem possible, but attractive. Sometimes, the creepy algorithms kinda work.