Last January, shortly before the MLK holiday, my boss sent around an email saying something to the effect that it’s a busy time of year in the office, and we might feel the need to come in to work during the holiday. If we did, we could take flex time some other day. It went on to say that this holiday always falls at a busy time of year for us, etc. etc. Her email was neither that concise nor that clear. I understood what she meant (sorta), but shook my head at how it was going to be received. My first thought was, you’re fucking kidding me, she wants us to work on MLK Day. It very much sounded like she thinks we might have to (probably should) work on MLK Day. Our office was directly across the street from where Dr. King was assassinated – I saw that balcony every day. We were an organization dedicated to preserving a significant part of black culture. Those things alone made her ham-handed email bad form at best. The one African-American staff member, my direct report, immediately came in to my office to discuss/vent. I think she started off with “are we really supposed to work on MLK Day?” She was understandably upset. I shook my head (again), apologized for the insensitivity, nervously laughed in solidarity that “I know, right?” kind of laugh as I assured her that she was not expected to work on the holiday, and promised to raise the issue with my boss. A few days later, in what became a bit of a heated conversation about the workplace environment, my boss said that she learned a long time ago, that she can’t be concerned with how her message is received – sometimes people will only hear what they want to hear. I had to politely disagree with her and remind her that in her position as CEO, her words carry a little more weight, and that while she can’t control what others perceive, she should be concerned about those perceptions. Any “suggestion” will probably be seen as a “you should probably do this…” If colleagues suggest to each other working through a holiday, it might be positive peer pressure – when it comes from the boss, it has a distinctly different flavor. This same woman (my boss) once told the other same woman, (my direct report), after learning the devastating news that her grandmother had passed (my report’s grandmother), that she (my boss) wouldn’t bother her (my employee) with emails on the weekend. As someone leaves early for the day, sobbing over the loss of a dear relative…. maybe don’t try to seem magnanimous by telling her not to worry about work over the weekend… I probably would have cheered if, in that moment, my employee told the boss to get bent.
That was a longer lead in than I had anticipated. I’m still sometimes shocked at the number of things I heard in that office that made life pretty unpleasant there. And maybe, in the end, it wasn’t the bad communication that was so offensive but was my boss’s belief that she had communicated perfectly fine. Her inability to see that what she sent wasn’t great, and then to double down on it and blame the recipient felt like a form of gaslighting. I share that story because I’ve been thinking about communication and relationships a lot lately. I’m new in my position at work. I’m new in town. I meet a lot of different people. I’m always in first impression mode, and whether they know it or not, everyone I meet is also making a first impression on me. In this COVID environment, written communication – being able to communicate well without the assistance of body language has taken on added importance.
I am probably an over-communicator. I often edit and re-edit my emails and texts. We have short attention spans, and I can be long-winded – so I revisit and cut and revisit again. Read any of these posts – they’re often circuitous and infrequently concise. I try to do better in my professional life. I know I get annoyed when I get long emails that can’t seem to spell out the salient points. Not only am I an over-communicator, I have lots of caveats and use lots of qualifiers to “soften” and show there is room for nuance, uncertainty, and understanding…. Look at the very first sentence of this paragraph. I know I’m an over-communicator – I don’t need the word probably. I also know by “softening” I’m playing an aw-shucks type of humility. I’ve written elsewhere that I pretty much detest (because flat out detesting would be too strong a stance) arrogance, boastfulness, self-righteousness. My language choices reflect this. I sometimes worry that I can come across as less-than-certain or less-than-passionate because I don’t always make the declarative statement. For me, life, and interpersonal communication, is full of sometimes and probably and pretty much. I try to avoid always and never. Declarative statements work well with facts. The sky is several shades of gray. The water rippled. Reeds bent in the wind. Though, to be honest, I have a soft spot for the uncertain narrator. It was noon – maybe a little later than that. Two Tuesdays ago, or maybe it was a Wednesday, I know it was in the afternoon…. In fiction and poetry, adding a little doubt can humanize, can show an earnest attempt to be horseshoe close to honesty.
I think a lot about communication and style. I think about the psychology of messaging. If I have an important email to send, I might re-read four or five times before I hit send. Unlike my former boss, I care very much about how my words might be received. I am a little more careless when I’m free-form writing like I am here, but at work, and in anything that involves relationships, I tend to be pretty careful, analytical, and if I’m lucky, a little musical. I write to communicate information, but also to say something about myself and my thought process. I try to communicate in an anticipatory style. If I say x, what questions might that prompt – can I answer them before they have to be asked? I sometimes communicate, or over-communicate, the way I teach: remove all barriers. I try to communicate as though I’m the anxious or uninformed person on the other end of the message. I’m often surprised when I don’t see this type of thinking in other people. I’m surprised when, as my former boss did, they simply put their message out there without really thinking about how it might be received. Her statement that she learned not to be concerned about how others react is a bit of a bastardization of what might otherwise be good advice. It’s true, we can’t control how others interpret what we say. But I think the philosophy there is, once you’ve exhausted all attempts at clarification, you need to be able to walk away knowing that you tried to get your message across. You need to be able to see both sides of that coin. You might not be able to control their perceptions. Their perceptions might be inaccurate. Nevertheless, perception is their reality. Not anticipating those reactions, not thinking about how your words might be received seems careless if not arrogant.
I started this post last night after a long-ish day at work – a place where everything is new. How people communicate is new. How people receive my communication is new. How things operate is new. I’m slowly taking things in – often as an observer who wants to be thoughtful more than I am reactionary. At one point, I was asked if we should order more paper, and I had to respond with “this is how much we have, but I don’t know how much we use.” I started this post because I was thinking about how being new, regardless of the situation, requires over-communication and a whole lot of context. Relationships, romantic or professional, usually break down because of miscommunication and assumptions. I’m thinking a lot about that these days. How can I communicate effectively ?Am I making the impression I hope to make? Am I forming impressions of others without full consideration of their circumstances?