Yesterday, my former employer announced the hiring of a new CEO. They posted the announcement to Facebook and Twitter. Lots of people welcomed the new CEO and a handful of people thanked the outgoing CEO. One local organization posted the above comment on their own Facebook page. For me, this adds a little bit of closure to what was one of the least pleasant experiences in my professional career. Hearing the news, I was surprised by the level of relief I felt in knowing my former boss would be gone in a few weeks. I don’t like to play the victim, and I’m cautious with words like trauma, but my separation from the organization was contentious, somewhat drawn out, and borderline abusive. The work environment under the former CEO’s leadership was toxic – she admitted as much in a conversation with me, though she blamed the staff for creating it – said they talk about her on their smoke breaks.
Months later, I still struggle to talk about my time there without getting riled up about how poorly managed the organization was. I heard and saw things that shouldn’t take place in any professional setting. I spent the better part of yesterday writing a long blog post listing many of those things. I don’t know if I’ll actually publish the post or just leave it as a private vent. It reads as one might expect, a rambling mess and litany of complaints – the type of thing that devolves into an incoherent rant because the emotions run so high. My post the other day about private self vs. public self was influenced by my current feeling that in order to secure employment, I have to keep quiet or play down the fact that my last work environment was terrible. I get along with almost everybody. I try to view people through a lens of compassion and understanding. I can’t bring myself to be so kind or generous when I think about my last employer. Put simply, my previous boss was manipulative and narcissistic (I still know some people on the inside and was told that she was pushing to have her picture included alongside the new CEO’s picture on the press release). I’ve been carrying the silence of how things played out for months. Because I spoke up about an environment of distrust and hostile working conditions, because I said the office culture comes from the top down, I was deemed “not a good fit.” Every time the topic of my former employer comes up I feel like I’m forced to relive a really bad experience – one that I honestly want to put behind me. It’s a little like having escaped an abusive relationship. Potential employers don’t know how triggering the question “tell me about your experience at The Blues Foundation” can be. And so, I smile and say it wasn’t a good fit while underneath I’m dying to unload, dying to be honest, dying to tell the part of the story that doesn’t get put on a resume because it’s not good form.
I went in to my last job excited about the future of the organization and the prospects of growth. I was curious and outgoing and eager to do a great job. Within two months, I saw how they really operated and would dance around the question of how the job was going (because I still wanted to give it a chance). I started in October and by Christmas I found myself thinking of the office environment like a bucket of crabs – everyone pinching and biting, hissing and climbing over each other. I heard through the walls of my office the CEO pit one employee against another. I heard her denigrate board members and the musicians we were supposed to serve. Every past failure of the organization was blamed on an outside party – there was no level of organizational accountability or self-awareness. In short, it was a culture of distrust and blame. It was so bad that just after the New Year, I sent a long email to one of the board members citing examples of the toxic work environment and asking for advice on how I might be successful there. His response was “hang in there, we need you.” He and I had a long conversation. I appreciated his candor and discretion. In the end, things didn’t work out. In early February I was no longer employed. They tried to bully me into signing non-disclosure and non-disparagement, and non-compete clauses. The negotiated in bad faith and were dishonest about legal things like my right to extend my healthcare through them at my own expense. Within a month or two of my separation, my email in which I documented my concerns surfaced. At about the same time, the board chair sent out an email blast announcing the CEO’s decision to “retire.” I think the fact that the board announced her retirement was telling.
I like the blues community. During the interview process, I outlined a plan to build a stronger network and grow the organization. I was going to apply the principles of collective impact to their network of nearly 200 blues societies. I’m disappointed that I never got to work on that plan in a substantive way. I’m disappointed that I uprooted my life for something that wasn’t a good fit. Last night, I finished the blog post that I didn’t publish (but still might) and went to B.B. King’s to listen to Eric Gales. Eric is a Memphis native. He’s a great guitarist who puts out a wall of sound. It was a high energy show tempered by Eric’s personal story. After 30 years as a drug addict, he’s been clean and sober for the last 4 years. He took time out of his show to share his story. It’s important to him that his voice be heard. This is the power and freedom of artistic expression. Eric has been clawing his way back from adversity for a long time. The last, or second to last, song he played was a variation of the Beatles song, “A Little Help from My Friends.” Eric knows that he needs every chance he can get. He’s thankful for the help he has received. During his show, he talked about the unrest we’re all experiencing, he preached unity. Both musically and in the things he said, Eric took the audience to church. It was enough to momentarily pull me out of the disappointment, hurt, frustration, and anger I was feeling towards my former employer (more specifically my former boss). It reminded me that there are people out in the world, like Eric, who through their talents are trying to make the world a little better for the rest of us. It was exactly what I needed in that moment.