The problem with being a social chameleon is that sometimes you don’t always have a good sense of who you really are. I’ve alluded to feeling like two very different people in and out of relationships. In a relationship, I am all about my partner, and have very little need for socializing outside of that bubble or for alone time / personal space – I get nearly everything I need from a loving and committed relationship. When I’m single, I tend to be this enthusiastic social guy who meets and talks to anyone. I haven’t always been this way. Yesterday I mentioned that I was in two committed relationships for a total of 24 years since the age of 17. For the last 7 – 10 of those years, my wife and I became socially isolated – we spent very little time with friends, and she stopped spending time with my family.
Tonight I went out, first by myself, and then with my friend, Stacy. I hung out with a business guy (suit and tie), two bartenders, and group of gay men (not all at the same time or place). I fit in equally well with all of them. The bartenders were cool – both play music and love north Mississippi hill country blues. One turned me on to a music spot that I’m going to check out tonight. He also just met and fell in love with a woman who lives in San Diego – so he’s planning on moving out to Encinitas. The other said he plans to go to the Hill Country Picnic this summer – wants me to come and camp with him and his friends. The business guy works in marketing, we talked about all of the development going on around the city, he recommended looking at places to live in the South Main area (near where I work).
When I met up with Stacy, we made our way over to Slider Inn, a place I’ve gone a couple of times. That’s where we found ourselves in the middle of a group of gay guys. One of them looked familiar, I asked him if we’ve met before. It turns out he’s a pretty famous artist here in Memphis (Stacy knew who he was and really likes his work). He’s been on the cover of magazines, is kind of a big deal – he knows it. He flirted with me most of the night, and loved the fact that I didn’t punch him or call him a queer. He said Memphis isn’t the most gay-friendly town and most straight men in Memphis would have clocked him. Most of the night he was trying his own type of conversion therapy on me, and we joked about how hard he was trying and how I was never going to go gay. I’m not used to that type of over-the-top flirting and attention. At times it was lewd and wholly inappropriate. If this is what women put up with, I feel a whole new type of bad for how men behave. I’m a pretty traditional guy with borderline prudish sensibilities. I think under different circumstances, I might have been uncomfortable, but I could take all of this in good fun. In fact, I am more uncomfortable when women flirt with me than men – I’m not sure why that is – I think it might have something to do with making the other person feel bad or rejected. I don’t feel like I’m rejecting a gay guy by saying I’m not gay, whereas with a woman, it’s like I’m saying, I like women, just not you…. He and his partner invited us over sometime – we agreed we’d all get together soon at his place and hang out around the fire pit, drink and tell stories. I’d like this – if they stick, I think these are the friendships I want – people who are warm and inviting… He said he’s good friends with one of the most gorgeous women in Memphis and he thinks she’d really like me. He and his partner want to take me under their wing, introduce me to all of their artist friends – they think I’m adorable.
I get this a lot. Single me is charming as fuck in an aw shucks kinda way. I’m brutally honest about my feelings and comfortable being vulnerable – this serves me well and establishes trust quickly. Partner me isn’t all that different, goofy, charming vulnerable. And while I’m not trying to be anything other than myself when I’m single and meeting new people, there’s a feeling of fraudulence about it. Authenticity and in-authenticity all at the same time. It’s why I prefer to be in a relationship, where I can take my shoes off and relax a bit.
I love the warm welcome from Memphis. The people here have been amazingly nice, almost enthusiastic about meeting and getting to know me. But when I come home, I feel unsettled. I feel like I’ve gone further down that nomadic path, always meeting strangers and making connections, but never fully connecting. I come home and tell myself this isn’t quite the life I want. Constantly meeting new people is exhausting and feels superficial. It makes me long for that more secure feeling – the feeling of an authentic connection on the deepest level. This is the continuation of my life theme… get there early, find security.
I’m struggling with this duality within myself. Social me who wants to be out meeting people, partner me who wants to be in the warm embrace of my lover away from the rest of the world. One of the things I really wanted when I was married was a fire pit. My ex absolutely hated the idea. She was sure that friends would come over, get drunk and never leave. I would have been ok with that. To me that sounds like a fun time (maybe not every weekend, but from time to time). Shortly after things kicked in to high gear with my ex-fiancee, B, I went out and bought the fire pit. We never had friends over, hadn’t gotten to that point, but we had a few quiet, amazing nights together drinking wine by the fire.
I think we both wanted the same type of life – gracious hosts glowing in each other’s warmth. Last night I showed my new artist friend the picture of B and me from last Thanksgiving. After he flirted with me and told me how beautiful I was (loves my blue eyes), he said we were a really beautiful couple – he could see the love in our eyes – a rare look. That is the type of energy and warmth we exuded. B and I often talked about opening a bed and breakfast, or she would talk about working in a coffee shop – where she could meet people and just be nice to them. I think we both have an appreciation for strangers, good close friends, and deep committed love. I think we both wanted to find the balance between all of those things.
I don’t think what I’ve written gets quite to what I’ve wanted to say (I’m going to have to come back and revise). There are times when I can’t pin down the feelings and sentiments. The like and dislike of the moment, of the night, of the week, of the life. For now, I think I just need to carry on. Take it all as it comes. Feel loved and fraudulent and welcomed and alien. At two different bars last night, “Can’t Find My Way Home” came on. I’ve been listening to that song a lot over the past few months. When music comes in to my life like that, I sometimes think the world is trying to tell me something… So there I sit “listening to my music hard enough to break my own heart.” Maybe it’s telling me it will work out, these feelings are what I’m supposed to be feeling, the cosmos isn’t done with me, maybe not done with us….home is just around the corner.