Maybe it’s because it’s Friday the 13th… maybe I’m just tired of juggling priorities, spending money, and living life on the surface of coffee shops and sticky-floored bars. Maybe I need to spend more time in nature. Whatever the reason, I feel like I’ve hit a wall this morning. I was up at 5am so that I could decide my next stop, fold my laundry, run, pack, and repack the car. I’ve already called off the run, though I’d like to get down to the river one more time before I leave Memphis. That may or may not happen.
One constant on this trip, among several, is how my sense of time and priorities have gotten completely out of sorts. Nearly every day, I feel this self-imposed pressure to finish this thing up. It makes me think I’m not built for the road. It makes me think that as much as I enjoy seeing new cities and meeting new people, I need a place to which I might return and reflect. Even my time here in Memphis, which felt a little like home, was less of reset than I had anticipated. Because I was already familiar with the city, I expected to spend less time out and about and more time writing, reading, and looking for jobs. Then I met and hung out with a lovely, kind, and interesting woman (one of those easy, natural, and comfortable connections). In addition to spending time with her and getting to know each other, I still felt drawn to explore the city and sit by the river as much as I could. And now, it’s time to leave again.
This morning, I booked my next two stops: St. Louis and Kansas City. I was debating staying with a friend near St. Louis, but I decided I’d rather be in the city where I can walk around and see things on a whim. No sooner had I booked my hotels, I felt a tinge of regret. “Jesus, there goes another week. And I still have Austin, Sedona, and all of California.” I still have the wonder (or hassle) of long drives. I still have some nature to see, and maybe some camping to do. And then there’s the very real and practical matter of finding an apartment and settling in. No matter how often I try to remind myself that I don’t need to be anywhere at any specific time, I can’t get over how unnatural this whole experience feels. It’s quite enjoyable in the moment (having dinner, visiting a museum, walking around town), but when I sit down to plan the next stop, I get a little overwhelmed and almost ready to quit.
I won’t. Quit that is, at least not yet. I expect things will change a bit as I get further west. I expect this desire to get where I’m going won’t go away. I expect I’m going to have to dedicate some serious time to catching up on other things (jobs, apartment hunting, and reflecting/writing more deeply on these experiences). I have pictures and videos to share and write about – and so much further to go.