Almost half-way through the month and I’ve done very little to celebrate or even recognize national poetry month. I wrote a post at the beginning of the month. I think I declared that I’d try to write four or five new poems (I’m maybe partway through two). I also think I said I’d post lines from other poets. But that was two weeks ago – ancient history in these modern times. Promises temporarily forgotten.
It’s late on a Tuesday night. I’ve been having trouble sleeping these past few days – both falling asleep and staying asleep. I’ve had a touch of body aches – perhaps it’s restless leg syndrome. It’s an odd feeling like I simply need to flex every muscle. Last night, it woke me up. Then I started thinking about how I’ll have to decide about my lease again and how I need to find a job. No doubt that pressure lead to some of my thoughts this morning on work and the economy.
Today I read a thought-provoking article on the art of knowing what you want. I’m going to have to re-read it before I can fully process it, but it’s a bit about mindfulness and inner security and giving yourself up to life / giving in to life. I always feel like I’m cheating when I read the articles on Brain Pickings. I know I don’t have the discipline, patience, or mental horsepower to read through the books being discussed, let alone pick out the salient points. As it is, I struggle to remember a few lines of poetry or a well-crafted paragraph that strike me.
These last few days, I’ve been thinking, on and off, about sharing. My daughter has been eager for me to listen to some of the podcasts she’s listening to, and she’s been playing different songs that she’s in to. I have a tendency to do the same thing. No sooner had I finished the novel I was reading, I wanted to be able to give it to someone or talk about it with someone. Lacking those options, I chose a few paragraphs to include here in the blog. I do the same thing with experiences – I want to share them with people. While I read a lot about the benefits of solitude, and have spent some time practicing solitude, I’m realizing (suspect I’ve always known) that I’m happiest sharing and collaborating. I think it’s why I don’t watch TV very much – I’d rather share that experience or not do it at all. I used to tell my ex-fiancee, B, that I can’t think of anything that I do that I wouldn’t just as soon do together. I had been hoping that this past year would have given me a different perspective on that notion, but I think I’m as much a sharer as I was before. And while I’m perfectly capable of solitude and solitary activities – I’m still not sure they are something that I need.
And maybe, for now, that’s enough – knowing that I can pursue solitary activities. Where I am right now is, for sure, a strange position to be in. With few obligations and no clear path, I feel like I have the chance to design the life I want to live. And maybe that’s part of the frustration… maybe what I need to practice is less about designing and more about just living and being. The reality is, there are multiple lives that I would like to live: philanthropist, writer, traveler, partner, explorer, creator, sharer. B and I used to talk about retiring and opening up a Bed and Breakfast – something where we could meet interesting people, live in a desirable area, read, write, cook, enjoy life. On the trip to San Diego that I was supposed to take, she had booked a B&B so that we could do research… we were half joking, but we both had a sense of wanting something different, a break from the rat race (or at least that’s what she said). At various times, along with wanting a B&B, I’ve wanted to either own a music venue, or be in charge of booking bands. At their roots, both of those things (B&B and Club) are about sharing and connecting with people.
More contemplations… I should probably write a poem about it.