Quiet. That’s how the week has been. I’m not sure if it seems quiet by comparison to the noise of the last two weeks (it is), or if it’s quiet by my normal standards. My friend Lisa seems upset with me and has mentioned several times that I’ve been quiet (I have). She said if she had heard from me yesterday, she would have invited me to hang out last night. I told her she could have invited me anyway – I’m usually not busy and welcome the company. I also told her I’m just trying to think things through. Another friend, Stacy has been busy with school and is leaving for Vegas for a few days. She’s been even more quiet than I’ve been. I admit, I don’t really feel like putting in the effort to make things happen. It’s been my approach to dating as well – no real interest in striking up conversations or making the effort. Though I got a comment on my central park picture last night that made me chuckle – “You kinda look like you’d ruin my life. You know that?” Isn’t that, to some degree, who we all want to fall for? The person who can completely wreck us?
I haven’t heard anything from my former employer. That situation was causing a lot of noise for about a week. I’m still pretty ticked with them and how they’ve handled everything. Being in that environment was damaging. Lately, in my head I’ve been practicing “interviewing” and answering the question of why it wasn’t a good fit. I need to get to place where I can say it with detachment – without feeling an emotional rise.
I also haven’t heard anything from my commenter, my ex-fiancee’s ex-boyfriend. There was a flurry of activity two weeks ago including a few emails exchanged – all of which stopped when my ex-fiancee, B, wrote to the two of us. I didn’t expect continued engagement, but the lack of it adds to the quiet. Something in her email didn’t sound like she was fully done with him – if I had to guess, they’re back together… In his email to me, he said they broke up a number of times (so often that they were apart more than they were together). That comment took me a bit by surprise because B said she never ever goes back – perhaps she’s finally found someone worth going back to. There were a few things he wrote to me that didn’t sound like the person I knew. I don’t doubt that she’s a different person now – I know I am. There are still days when I fight the urge to reach out – say hello, just have a normal conversation. Sometimes I want to invite her down to Memphis to visit – I think she’d like it here. I kinda got a kick out of showing my daughter around – I like sharing my life with people. Now that I have a second bedroom furnished – I feel like I should make use of it.
Tomorrow I think I’m going to take a road trip to Oxford, MS. I hear it’s a great little town with a good bookstore and some great restaurants. It’s only about an hour away. Not sure what tonight has in store. Maybe another non-invite from Lisa? Maybe a band? Maybe just some reading on the couch with the cat. Last night he tried to balance on my shoulder – I dumped him off of me when he tried to sit on my head. This post (kinda boring) reminds me of some lines from the one Tony Hoagland poem…
I should call Marie and apologize
for being so boring at dinner last night,
but can I really promise not to be that way again?
The lines struck me because they reminded me of one of the things B said on one our first dates – she was apologizing and saying how boring she found herself – she couldn’t stand herself she was so boring. Re-reading my mundane crap…. I’m feeling a bit that way. Suffice it to say, reading articles on how to live a meaningful life seems like the opposite of leading a meaningful life. I should probably get out and do something.
***and to keep things real and in perspective… a friend of mine – a photographer who once worked as an associate editor for me has been posting about the loss of one of her friends. The story made it on to the Today show – go read it. It’s sounds like she was an absolute light in this world. People wonder why I ruminate the way I do. The ex-boyfriend urged me to move on…. The way this woman’s friends saw her sounds a lot like the way I saw my ex-fiancee.