I suppose this is technically the balcony edition. It’s a beautiful night here in Memphis. After an afternoon run (and shower) I opted for a beer and some music on the balcony. The hair is getting a little long – not sure I’ve actually “done” it with product or anything for a while. I love letting Nick out, especially the way he tilts his head up to sniff the air when he first comes out and his goofy flop and big belly squirm.
I didn’t intend to write as much as I did today. The original game plan was a post, some reading, job searching, exercise, etc. etc. The texts with Carolyn and the subsequent excitement and sadness were unexpected. At that point I was willing to concede the morning up to feeling my feels. Not long after, my brother called and we talked for a bit. The next thing I knew, it was noon and I was in the middle of writing about multitudes and the self and growth. I also jotted some notes down and started a few poems.
I’m fascinated by our (my) multiple selves and the different philosophical / psychological camps. It’s why I’m drawn to Buddhism. It seems to recognize the paradox within. I waver over how we can believe contradictory ideas on concepts of the self and others and change. On the one hand, I believe change is hard, and that people don’t really change. On the other hand, I know people change all the time (it’s unavoidable) and that in some cases, the changes are significant. Alcoholics recover, people who live with deep distrust learn to trust, wandering souls settle down, people have awakenings. It seems, to me, that if we can accept change as just something different (neither good nor bad), we can seek out those people whom we expect to change and even look forward to a lifetime of change with them – the push-pull tension eventually becomes a well choreographed dance in which the lead and tempo change and the dancers adjust. I was listening to a Michael Kiwanuka concert as I ate dinner and the song “Rule the World” came on. The bulk of the lyrics are:
Help me to see
Who I can be
Help me to know
Where I can goTake me out of myself again
(Help me)
Help me lose control
(Show me)
Show me love, show me happiness
(Love me)
I can’t do this on my own
If you can’t tell, I go back and forth between the romantic notion of two people relying on each other (for support, happiness, growth, discovery) and the need to be able to find all of those things within yourself. I suppose I believe both are important. It seems to me that the insistence on relying only on the self might spring from a general distrust – get hurt enough and you stop believing other people can help you. Somewhere I read (and quoted) the phrase effective dependency…
To some degree, this is the fundamental argument I have with my father. I believe we need, and are better because of, other people. That our greatest growth comes from experiences and the mirrors other people hold up to us. He believes that very little growth comes from those avenues and that growth comes from reading and studying and humbling yourself before more learned minds. Of course, it comes from all of those things, and as I was trying (in-eloquently) to say earlier, I believe we have both sides already in us: the individual and the communal.
Of course, in talking about relationships…. adding to the challenge is how go about all of this without concerted effort and attention – how to have it feel natural and seamless? Relationships are work – don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. But, if they are nothing but work, then they probably aren’t working or at least need re-evaluation (of self, of other, and of “us”). I write excessively about this stuff. I’m also not in a relationship and have a lot of time to think through things. Most days, I was too caught up in the experience to really think about the battles beneath (ironically, therapy probably put too much attention on “problem solving”). Most days, I was happy to sit on the porch, talk, laugh, and enjoy the presence of my person (or in today’s edition, my cat). I see it described often enough in dating profiles – people are looking for a backyard type of comfort, a sweats and messy hair type of comfort, a life of trust where you can be yourself, and maybe even feel ok asking your person to help you see who you can be, where you can go… help you get out of yourself, and maybe even lose control.