Nick the cat has an upset stomach. He’s puked twice today – the first time very shortly after he ate, the second time after I gave him a bit more food (figuring he had emptied his stomach out earlier). He seems a little lethargic, but then again he’s a cat and I’m not sure I could tell the difference between a cat lazing around all day and a lethargic cat lazing around all day. He must have sensed that I was writing about him. Just as I finished that sentence he decided he needed to sit on my lap. Writing is a more difficult with his chin on my right arm…
The funny or ironic thing is, I was trying to figure out what I would write today and the title I had in mind was “out of sorts.” Nick is out of sorts. But I have been too. I haven’t been terribly motivated to write these past few days. I’ve fallen back in to my old patterns of wasting time by scrolling through twitter and Facebook and google news – always looking for new stimulus and finding the online world pretty barren. I have a half-dozen tabs open with articles I have been meaning to read. I have a new website that I’ve been looking to develop as a way to play with and test my content writing skills. And yet, hours go by.
Relationship Advice
I’ve been texting a lot with a friend who is having some relationship problems. Each of our conversations has a similar ebb and flow to them. She’ll share how she’s feeling. She’ll make assumptions about what her boyfriend must be feeling (based on his actions or in-actions). I’ll advise her not to make assumptions and to find ways to ask him directly what he’s thinking and feeling. I’ll share some stories of how that has or hasn’t worked for me. I’ll try to challenge her to get to the heart of what she’s feeling (as opposed to trying to guess what he’s feeling). She might assume that he wants to end it (otherwise he would have called/texted/ etc.). She’ll decide that since he doesn’t think it’s worth it, she should move on. I’ll ask her what if he calls and says I’ve been thinking it through and I want this to work? Or I’ll ask her why the decision of whether or not it’s working is entirely in his court (her answer should and shouldn’t depend on him)?
I believe that couples can bounce back from almost anything assuming they can learn to address the problem without making it personal or taking it personally. It seems that if you’re hoping to ride off in to the sunset with someone, it might be helpful to try to always assume the best about them. Instead of thinking their distance is a sign that they don’t care, accept that their distance might be the only way they know how to cope.
My friend has told me some things about her guy that make me think it’s going to be difficult for it to work. For one, he is the jealous type. I have mixed views on jealousy. In small doses, I think it can be healthy. It can show your partner that you care enough to be insecure. However, it can also be pretty ugly and can absolutely lead to controlling behaviors. She and I recently connected on Facebook. The internet being as wonderful as it is, listed me as a possible friend for him. He must have seen that she became friends with me and the first thing he asked was “who is this guy?” and “Did you sleep with him?” To me, that type of immediate questioning and accusation is a red flag. Nevertheless, as she and I have been talking, I’ve been supporting the idea that their relationship could work and encouraging her not to give up on it. If she wants it to work, I want it to work for her. Sadly, I worry my advice is based on my own experiences in having wanted my ex-fiancee to not give up. This is why I’m challenging her to figure out where she is.
If they figure things out, I suspect I’ll fade to the background pretty quickly. It’s been nice chatting and texting with her, nice to feel needed by someone. There’s a term going around the online dating world called foster boyfriend and foster girlfriend. It’s a short term thing until the other person finds their forever home. Sometimes I think that’s the role I serve as a friend for a number of people – which suits me just fine – I like to help people if I can. But there is a sense of loss when they go back to their normal life.
In a strange way, these conversations are bringing a sense of closure for me. When I ask challenging questions, I’m also asking them of myself. When I tell her not to make assumptions, I’m also telling myself not to make assumptions. When I share stories of my relationship, I pay attention to whether they are blaming or compassionate. The conclusion that I’ve been working towards for weeks, if not months, is that unless we were to reconcile, my ex-fiancee’s side of the story doesn’t matter. Her side of the story doesn’t change how I felt, and it doesn’t change what I think we were capable of. I’ve been telling my friend that she needs to be able to see the person she fell in love with, not the person she’s arguing with. She’s not her best self in the middle of an argument so she shouldn’t expect her boyfriend to be his best self. I can still see past my ex-fiancee’s argumentative side to the person I fell in love with. Whether or not she was able to do that with/for me isn’t for me to decide or figure out.
Employment
In addition to reconnecting and talking with my friend, I joined another freelance gig web platform. I like this one better than the other one because I can actively bid on projects. And there are always new projects to bid on (every few minutes). I’ve run out of my “free” tokens for bidding, but the cost is pretty cheap (max of ninety cents to bid on a project). I’ve only been on for a day or two and have bid on about 10 projects. As I was writing that, an email popped up from one of my bids, they’d like to see my work.
There are some decent paying projects $35 – $60 an hour. I don’t bid on the ones that want to take advantage of new writers by paying them $5 for an article – if I’m going to give it away, it’ll be through a volunteer project for a nonprofit. I’m thinking that if I build up a few good reviews I could make some money doing this. I’ve been working on my writing, I’ve been reading about things like SEO and keywords, and I used to be an editor – I just need to build up a little momentum. The downside of this type of work is that it’s catch as catch can. I refresh the page often to try to be one of the first to bid on a project. I have no idea if that’s at all helpful or how people secure work. Unfortunately, it pulls me away from dedicated time to read and write. Last night I had wanted to go for a walk, but I saw a project that needed to be done ASAP. I bid on it, and opted to wait to see if I got the bid. I didn’t. Waiting also meant skipping the walk. I figure I’ll give this site a week or two to see if I get any traction. I’m an optimist, and it seems possible to earn a reasonable living this way… which has been something I’ve been considering for a while now – working as a freelancer so that I have more control of my time and geography (I can write web copy from the beach or a mountain cabin or Memphis or Penn State).
I’m also continuing to apply for jobs. I have an interview tomorrow morning with a United Way out in Seattle and an interview on Thursday with a United Way in Asheville, NC. It feels good to get a few bites. I may not define myself by my job, but I like to feel useful. On my morning walks, I walk past the corporate headquarters of First Horizon, Tennessee’s largest bank – it’s one of the taller buildings here in Memphis. Some mornings, as I see people going in to work dressed in their busy business attire, I miss office life or having a place to be and things to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love my two-hour walks and being able to spend my days in thought, but at some point you also need to turn the thought in to action. Living entirely in one’s head doesn’t quite feel like living.
Not writing or reading these last few days (and actually, I read a few chapters and plan to write about them) has made me feel out of sorts. I feel like I’m running in a few different directions without any sense of an end goal or destination. I suppose if there’s any consolation, it’s that I’m not puking up kibble – though curled up and napping doesn’t sound bad.