I started to write that much of today was devoted to relationships. Except, a lot of the day was lost to just being lazy. It started off well enough. I was up early, had my big boy breakfast, got out the door early and went for a long walk. As I walked, a new woman from out in WA connected with me. We exchanged a few texts through the dating app – which meant I was less focused on being present on my walk. The conversation was ok. I’m a curious person, so I almost always ask more questions than my counterpart – which can make things feel one-sided. Most of my interpersonal interactions have felt one-sided lately. By the time I got home, I think I was feeling a little sorry for myself and maybe a little petulant. I’ve had a handful of people cancel on me this past week. I was supposed to catch up with a friend last Sunday, but he never wrote back or called. I was supposed to have a video date on Friday, but she rescheduled. I was supposed to meet up with one of my friends last night but she canceled. When I got home from my walk I didn’t feel like reaching out to anyone for anything. I had that petulant feeling when you just feel like you’ve been doing all the work in every relationship and decide you’re not reaching out to anyone – ever again.
Having newly determined to wall myself off from the world, I took a nap. Neither the nap nor my resolve lasted very long – I texted a bit with the woman who rescheduled, puttered around the internet reading news, and worked on a poem. Sometime around lunch time I was offered a freelance gig. On one of the freelance sites I posted that I could help people with their dating profiles – today a guy from New York took me up on the offer. He answered some questions for me – by tomorrow I’ll have a few drafts for him to use on different platforms. It feels a little Cyrano-esque, but I don’t intend to represent him in any way other than he has explained himself to me, just maybe with better words or more interesting phrasing.
Thinking through his profile and some of the recent conversations I’ve had with a few different women, I’m realizing I don’t think I have the patience for the one-sided conversations, the failed attempts at witty banter, and the whole dating scene. The way a conversation might play out is the other person says that they spent some time drawing last night. To which I respond, what did you draw? Or have you always been artistic? Or I’d love to see a picture. On the flip side of the conversation, I might say something like I spent my day writing or listening to this new album over and over again. I get crickets. There are no questions, there is no probing. “What do you write?” “What album?” “Can you send me a song?” This just makes me wonder why I even put myself through this… unfortunately it also highlights how rare effortless connections are – that mutual curiosity that builds in to competitions in generosity.
The video date had been rescheduled for tonight, but we didn’t talk much today and I kinda knew it would be canceled. It was. The other woman from WA broke the connection off mid-conversation before we ever exchanged numbers – which was just weird and again forced me to wonder, why am I doing this? I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to, or understand, ghosting people. It’s one thing to let a conversation peter out, but to intentionally disappear seems immature. Adults can handle hearing, “it was nice chatting, don’t think we’re a good fit, good luck.”
I went for a second walk after dinner. My friend from Omaha texted me. She was having a drink and shredding papers. I knew what the outreach meant. Her boyfriend broke up with her again. She and I met online back in November or December. We hit it off. We flirted. It got to the point that she was going to come see me down here in Memphis. She got back together with her boyfriend and that was the end of our plans. Since then, they’ve broken up three or four more times. She and I talk after every breakup. The problems never seem to get resolved, but I have to allow for the possibility that maybe it will take them a dozen tries to get it right.
She ends up feeling bad because she knows she only reaches out after her breakups. This is where I should probably be more gracious in seeking help and letting others help me. I read a parable of two neighbors, one well-off, the other poor. The poor neighbor often showed up in need. The well-off neighbor occasionally made it a point to go ask for something like some sugar – not because they needed the sugar, but because they wanted their neighbor to feel ok in needing things, ok in asking, and to show that she too was in need. Read the wrong way, it can seem patronizing… but showing it’s ok to be in need is sometimes more effective than saying it.
Most people I know seem to have relationship problems. I think relationships at my age are difficult. People have had multiple instances of trust being broken or things just not working. Some people get very hardened and jaded by the process. Some become very inflexible – they know what they want and won’t settle for less. Some people have lost themselves and are looking for someone else to find them. I’ve dated all of those people. I had a friend who not only left every relationship she’s told me about (two marriages and a few short-term relationships) but she never went back once she left a relationship. It was one of her rules. She also believed that if it takes a lot of work, it’s probably not working. To me, avoiding the messiness, never trying again, means closing yourself off to depth of feeling and connection. Back when she and I were friends and I was dating more often, she once called me boomerang because I had been in several relationships that had fits and starts, breakups and reconciliations. To me, it seems highly unlikely that two people are going to get it right on the first try and even less likely that they’ll be able to do that without some work and a few arguments. And who gets to define what getting it right looks like or what constitutes “work.” I can’t think of anything more worth the effort. So I understand why my friend in Omaha keeps trying.
And so, part of my evening was spent comforting my friend in Omaha. When we talk, I avoid saying things like it’s going to be alright. It might not. I don’t think she wants to hear that it might take her a year or two to get right with these things, but I feel like I’d be insulting the complexity of her feelings if I said “it’ll be ok.” Instead, I encourage her to be good to herself. To not beat herself up for having gone back and tried – to see that trying was a source of caring and strength as opposed to weakness. In the end, the best I can do is be present and listen. Like writing up someone else’s profile – I can say lot of the right things, but it’s up to them to internalize it, to build their own confidence. To carry it through in their actions.
More and more, it feels like I’m retiring from the game and settling in to coaching.
Somewhat related… I read a short piece “Does the One Who Loves Least Control the Relationship.” The short answer is, yes.Those who wish to control tend to withhold and guard and not love fully. When you’re not looking to win arguments or maintain control, you can love freely and fully and maybe you don’t mind things being one-sided once in a while. It’s an interesting concept to consider – one I wish I could have more adeptly worked in to the body of this post – but it’s late and I’m still feeling a little lazy.