The other day, I added a new sub-category, dear diary, to the blog. I’m not sure if it will make any sense – but the idea was to create a spot where the annoyingly (to me) mundane posts will go. The ones that I don’t care for but inevitably write. The ones that talk about what I had for breakfast and what I saw on a walk but don’t go much further than that. I could probably add other categories: whining about purpose, yet another lamentation about my ex, bitching about fairness… the list goes on. I’m simultaneously re-reading older posts and un-hiding them (not sure why) and reading Eat, Pray, Love. At times, I find my writing and Gilbert’s writing similarly annoying and smug. I’m taking a little solace in seeing how Gilbert has pieced together her book with some of the small chapters being as inconsequential as some of my posts. It makes me feel like there is no wrong way to write about life and not every scene will evolve into a bigger statement. This morning’s post, at least as I’m writing it now, is going to be that mish-mash of here’s what I’ve been up to…
A Hike
On Saturday I went with an outdoors group to a hike in Arkansas. For the most part, we practiced social distancing. The hike was good in that it was a challenging climb. My heart rate went up, I was huffing and puffing. It’s a short hike (maybe two hours) just outside of Little Rock. It violates one of my hiking rules – which is I don’t like to do hikes that take less time than the drive there and back would take. However, the views are pretty spectacular, and it got me out of the apartment. Unfortunately, there were at least two consequences from going (or at least I think they’re related). 1. I have about 40 bites around my ankles. Towards the end of the hike we took a short cut through a field – one of the guys I met said it was perfect for chiggers. I vaguely know what they are (nearly microscopic mites). He said they’ll bite and their saliva causes itching worse than poison ivy. I was out with my friend Sunday night and could have gotten mosquito bites, but the sheer number of bites and the fact that they’re all in one spot (my ankles) makes me think it’s chigger bites – and yeah, the itching is no joke. The other consequence, so far, is that I ended up getting a blister. I’ve gone on long walks the past two days which have only exacerbated the problem. I’ll have to take a day off (today). I hate staying in.
Lake Maumelle 
View from Pinnacle 
View of Rattlesnake Ridge 
Lake Maumelle
When I got back from the hike, I went for a short walk along the river. In the hike pictures, you can see the haze caused by the Saharan dust that blanketed the southeast US. It was supposed to create spectacular sunsets. There was almost no sunset Saturday night. Instead, the sun was so obscured by dust that it looked more like a milky pale moon – it had a tan glow to it and then it simply disappeared behind clouds. I wanted to get a picture, but I had stopped to introduce myself to guy I see walking around town and sitting on benches every night. He’s always at the park for sunset. His name is Jeff. He has an apartment downtown and a house over in Arkansas. He seems like a nice guy – grew up his entire life in the backwoods of Arkansas. He didn’t know about the dust storm – so I told him a bit about that. We could hear really loud cars in the distance and he told me about the large dirt race track across the river and the races that take place every Saturday night – said I should go and that I’ll never have seen so many rednecks in one place. He also offered to take me trout fishing along the White River.
The Move
I sent an email yesterday indicating that I’ll be moving. They sent back a form I need to fill out. It’s a minor inconvenience, I don’t have a printer. I frantically look for jobs here, there, and everywhere, because I really want to avoid a temporary move. While I still have it better than a lot of people (I have a place to go), the idea of heading in the wrong direction in life is a downer. Most of the people I know who are my age are saving for retirement, fixing up their houses, getting new cars. Those things aren’t terribly important to me, but it’s hard not to see just how far out of reach they are at this moment. Feeling stuck for a prolonged period of time isn’t a good feeling. While it doesn’t have everything I want (ocean, beaches, mountains, employment, or potential partners), Memphis is a city that feels like it has opportunity. I can walk most places and I feel like I’m part of the city. State College lacks all of the things listed in the parentheses, and it won’t have a city vibe. I’m oddly attracted to urban renewal – that coffee shop just starting out at the edge of the rough neighborhood, the corner bar, the regrowth… I recognize I want different things out of my geography. I suppose now isn’t the time to think about want and it’s more the time to take care of need. I also know that in State College I won’t have these type of sunsets within a 10 minute walk.
Jobs
I read that the nonprofit sector has lost 1.6 million jobs since March. The market is tight. I have a handful that I plan on applying to, and I’ve been invited to submit a written piece as part of moving on to the next round for an interesting organization that does micro-grants to other nonprofits. That job, I believe, is a remote work position – which would be great. Much like the house, I hate the idea of taking something that I know is temporary. It’ll be hard to bring my best self to a job that I take because I simply need a job. As I watch the virus numbers rise and I see our economy continue to sputter, I worry about how far back all of this is going to set me. I get frustrated with myself for allowing pride to get in my way. The reality is, if I were really on my own, with no support network, and no cushion, I’d be out there working in warehouse or something trying to get by. It’s not that I think I’m above doing that, but I feel like I have more to offer than that. I also know that employment is only one domain in which we can find fulfillment.
I was going to add another section about the changes in my thinking towards my ex-fiancee. I think it will be its own post. As I continue to refine (or reinforce) what I think a loving relationship looks like – usually through memes and inspiration quotes that I find on Facebook – I’m coming more and more to the realization / acceptance that she wasn’t willing or able to go there with me (which seems obvious). I’m coming to terms with the notion that two people who really love each other are willing to put in the hard work, and when they want to give up, they double down and work harder. My self-talk is finally shifting to “if she felt that way about me and us, she’d still be here.”