It’s 11:30 at night – Tuesday. Nick, my cat and occasional fluffy alarm clock didn’t wake me up this morning. He usually gets me up sometime around 5. He’s been unwell lately. He’s not eating as much. Tonight he seems to be sneezing more than usual and seems dazed. I tried to get him to a vet over the weekend,but they were booked through April and it didn’t seem like an emergency. When I woke up and didn’t see him this morning, I went in to a panic. I have a sinking feeling that one of these mornings he won’t be able to wake me up. That wasn’t the case this morning. He was sleeping on the sofa downstairs…. but he wasn’t very hungry.
I’m not ready for him to go – that feels selfish. I’m also resigned to the fact that it might be his time. I spent the past hour, before writing this, downstairs petting him, telling him it’s ok. Having no idea if it’s ok. I’ll go back down one more time before I go to sleep – if I can sleep. Each time, I feel like I might be saying goodnight and goodbye. He doesn’t seem to be in pain, but does seem a little out of it. My deal with him is that it’s ok if he has to go, but if he makes it through the night, he’s getting checked out tomorrow. I assume he doesn’t register these conversations – he’s a cat. He purred when I rubbed his head and chin – a small sign of optimism. He’s always looked a little like a zen master – oddly calm and at peace with his little white chin and his half-closed-eyes look of contemplation (or sleepiness). His stoicism makes it feel like it’s not an emergency – just a bad spell. I’m hoping it’s a bad spell.
I’m tired. I’m a little afraid of what the morning might bring. I’m not ready for him to go. If he must, I hope it’s quiet and easy for him. I should give him another headbutt. He’s been my buddy for a pretty long time.
I woke up a little after 4:00 am – without my furball alarm clock in my face. I went back to sleep because I wasn’t ready to deal with anything. A restless hour passed. I got up and went downstairs. Relief – he’s still with me. The vet can see him at 11:30.