I had a meeting on Tuesday afternoon to discuss our organization’s retirement plan. Reviewing retirement plans, healthcare plans, and tracking a few dozen different vendors (cleaning service, entryway carpets, copier maintenance, auditors, insurance, etc. etc. etc) are the less than glamorous aspects of running an organization. On Wednesday, I attended a summit of network CEOs which included a meeting with the CEO of our entire network. Yesterday, back in the office, I got the email from the fellow I met with on Tuesday. He’s tested positive for COVID. Also yesterday, as I was making the decision to close the office in observance of the MLK day holiday, I was told that we were expecting snow this weekend… a lot of snow.
Well… crap.
My mind scrambled a bit. What’s the latest CDC guidance? Am I supposed to notify anyone? I guess I need to get tested – how long should I wait after exposure. Crap, I think I need to quarantine for five days. What if I exposed all of my colleagues at the summit on Wednesday – or the CEO of the entire network? No one wants to be patient zero. The health department is out of rapid tests? If you’ve been vaxxed and boosted, your chances of transmission are low. Get a better mask. Does anyone have rapid tests? I should probably go home. Crap, I need groceries. I don’t want to shop before a storm. Is my throat scratchy? I think my throat is scratchy. I was just kidding about enjoying being on the sofa with a blanket over my legs. I really want to go out. I only do it once a week on Fridays. I probably shouldn’t go out. I probably didn’t catch it. I think my throat’s a little scratchy. CDC says I’m probably fine. The responsible thing to do is to limit my time around other people. My stomach is feeling a little queasy. That’s not a symptom, is it?
I was already feeling stir-crazy before even beginning to hunker down. If a major snow storm causes some anxiety, a snow storm on top of COVID exposure causes more. Not being “allowed” to go out made me want it more. And seriously, I’ve probably been around infected people half a dozen other times and just didn’t know it… Every Friday, I’ve been around strangers, unmasked at a bar. I’m vaxxed and boosted and have operated under a modified sense of normalcy. But none of those people at the bar all those weeks knew how to contact me or the entire bar if they had tested positive… and now, I know (almost for sure) I was exposed. And knowing somehow makes it worse. Ethically, I can’t walk around assuming I don’t have it. If ignorance is bliss, knowledge is a bucket full of anxiety. I have to behave as though I might have it, even if the chances are low.
I worked from home today. There’s a drive-up testing site a few miles away – it didn’t specify if it was rapid testing or the wait five days testing. I went to Rite Aid and Walmart looking for rapid tests and better masks. There were none to be found. I drove out to the testing site – it was the wait five days type of test. There wasn’t a line, so I got tested. I’m only three days out from my exposure and the guidance is to be tested 3-5 days out (5 days being preferable). This test might not prove anything. Two days from now would be a better time to get tested, but there’s a snow storm coming two days from now. It all feels pretty useless and confusing – the guidance, the search for appropriate testing, the waiting. I want to do the right thing. I want to follow the rules and keep other people safe. I feel little guilty because the only reason I want a rapid test is so I can go about my business not thinking about any of this…
After the swab and partial lobotomy, I went to the grocery store (masked). I felt anxious. The thought of not leaving the house for the next few days was already getting to me. I wanted to buy all the beer and a couple bottles of wine. Cupcakes, donuts, extra waffles, wings, cheese steaks, and pre-made strombolis – things that I never buy. If I can’t go to the bar, I’ll bring the bar to me… and the coffee shop, and the bakery, and the other bar. I kept my wits and didn’t cave in to craven desire and wanton panic. I only bought some of those comfort items. I skipped the booze altogether – mostly because I forgot and you have to get it at a separate register. I reserve the right to go out tomorrow to get one or two bottles of wine (in case of emergency break glass – and then watch out for shards).
The forecast is for about a foot of snow on Sunday into Monday. That’s two days away and already I feel like I should prepare – though aside from putting the wipers up on the car and flipping the trash can over so it doesn’t collect snow, I’m not sure what more I can do. I’ve been through enough storms to recognize the pattern. There’s always a slight anxiety to the build up. I’ll pace around the house moving from window to window… puttering about and waiting for it to start, and once it does, a type of quiet sets in and the only thing I can do is watch it fall. Sit and watch it fall.