Tonight’s another one of those nights when my thoughts are all over the place and the temptation to resort to lists is high. I’ve been thinking about the whole job thing (old job and having to get a new job). I went for a walk after dinner. My walks are usually down Main Street and then back. I went past my old office. Me ex-boss was still there. My hand was in my pocket, but, almost involuntarily, I gave her the finger in my pocket. I haven’t written much about my experience there, but when I think about all of the horrible ways the staff treated each other – I’m both glad to be out of there, and pissed that it went down the way it did. I remember going home during Christmas and describing the place as a rat’s nest – nevertheless, I’m the one who walks away feeling a bit like a failure…. This is one of the things I like least about corporate America. When I go to interview, I will have to think about how to tactfully talk about parting ways. If I’m too harsh in my criticism, I’m almost certain to not get hired. It’s as if the employer is automatically assumed to be correct – when sometimes, taking a principled stance gets you canned. I would love to walk in to an interview and simply say, as an organization, they behaved poorly and dishonestly, and not have it bite me in the ass. But enough of that…
I’ve been thinking about the timing of being unemployed at the possible start of a global recession (I got banged up in the last recession, and I’m a little tired of being beaten up by market forces). At the same time, I talk with homeless people almost every day and I often think about the people who clean hotel rooms and who rely on travel and concerts and conferences who won’t be earning a paycheck. Any bailout, like the last one, will go to shareholders while lots of people get screwed (read Shock Doctrine to see how this has played out after other major disasters). Our system often makes me want to live more simply and get off of the hamster wheel.
I’m on the cusp of another road trip – it looks like I’m gonna visit Birmingham, Al and Columbus, GA on my way to Clearwater. It’ll be nice to just sit on a beach. I’m thinking about what I’m coming back to – a city that hasn’t gone on lock down yet, but might in a matter of days or weeks.
I’m thinking a lot about peace. Not in the global sort of way (though that would be nice), but in the inner sort of way. My ex-fiancee’s ex-boyfriend has posted a short comment on this blog “Rinse, repeat much?” I’m not sure if he’s referring to my, once again, mention (lamentation) of family walks, or if it’s in reference to her moving from one person to another and calling everyone family. If it’s the former… fair enough – I’ve never pretended that I wasn’t struggling with moving on – or that I wasn’t trying to find a way to move on that doesn’t involve closing off. If it’s the latter, as much as it sucks to think I wasn’t any more family than everyone else… I’m also trying to understand and see the potential beauty in that approach. I once wrote a poem for a woman I thought I loved, D. I was later ashamed of it – I would have been afraid to show my ex-fiancee, B, that poem…. only because I wanted her to feel like the most special person to me. I’m sure there are lots of things that I’ve shared with a few different partners – and so I’m trying to accept that walks with B and Zelle will always be family walks – regardless of who is on them. They are hers to share. For me, they were magical. For others, they will also be magical – only my ego would deprive her, and other people, of that experience. There are people who have a broad definition of family, one that encompasses friends, lovers, and actual family. That should probably be celebrated.
Towards the end of Siddhartha, Siddhartha is talking with his long lost friend Govinda. He talks of what I can only describe as multiple realities (or all realities). He talks about the dualtiy of things (good and evil, etc.) but not as an evolving process. The world is perfect in every moment – every sin already carries grace within it, all small children are potential old men…. He continues by talking about loving a stone… it has the ability to become soil and then plant or animal or man, but it is also everything – he loves the stone for being a stone – as it is in the moment. This, of course, is one of the major themes of Buddhism, the loss of thirst and desire and the acceptance of what is.
Neither of those paragraphs really expressed the thoughts on peace…. or, they did, but in a roundabout way. I guess, I’ve been thinking a fair amount about how to be easy and at peace with whatever comes my way, and in some regards to not seek anything out.
Sadly, I’ve lost my train of thought – sort of mentally wandered away – peacefully.