It’s late, I’m tired, my mind isn’t as clear as I would like it to be. I will have to edit and add and delete in the morning…
Tonight I went out with my friend Ali. She’s another woman I won’t date but met on a dating site. She’s from California. She has a daughter at Penn State. We talk about being new to the city. This might be the second or third time we’ve hung out – schedules don’t sync up all that well. Tonight we went out with some of her co-workers to hear a band (also a co-worker) on Beale St. The band was ok, lots of covers and an entire printed and a laminated list of songs for you to choose from. At one point, the band played “What I Got” by Sublime. Great song, not what I’d consider emotionally deep… but for some reason, the lines “Life is too short so love the one you got” stuck with me a bit. It just seems so simple. The arguments are never the things you’ll remember or miss – so spend more time on the loving.
I came home wanting to love the one I had. Instead, I sat here at the computer, trying to write. Felt like I had to write. I put on some music (You’re Somebody Else). I heard the lyric “Just like you told me/ go forward slowly/ It’s not a race to the end” This also hit me. It reminded me of a Glass Animals line my ex-fiancee, B, and I used to sing – “Slow down, it’s a science…” Lots of nights, I think back and wish she and I could have slowed our train a bit. Forever is a long time, there’s no need to rush. I think some of this is what I was trying to talk about in learning to run. I’m a laid back guy with a few anxieties. I wanted to learn a new pace. I wanted to enjoy the moment, the ride, the journey, the getting there, and maybe getting lost along the way. I was enjoying all of those things.
These are the nights when the feelings are indescribable and writing is difficult. When the feeling of just how close we got seems almost absurd that we didn’t make it. It’s a confused sadness. It’s asking “why couldn’t we figure this out?” It’s so simple… love the one you’ve got. Set aside all the other crap. Slow down and love the one you’ve got.
Looking up at the title of this post, I’m seeing it’s a bit misleading. I’m not really learning to slow down – it’s not something you can do or practice on your own. I recognize the value in it, but I think two people feed off of each other – they develop a pace that seems right for them. My ex-friend Jen used to blame me for rushing B in to things. She’s been with the same guy for a year and hasn’t met any of his family. A woman I dated got engaged to a guy less than 6 months after we broke up. I don’t know that there is a too fast or too slow. I know I dated a lot of people, and none of them felt as right as B. Every day, every week, every month felt like it was the right time and pace with her. I dated another woman for 5 months and getting engaged was never on my mind. On the first date with B, I sensed she (and we) were special. I guess ultimately what I’m struggling with is, how could I have done things differently? B gave me her mother’s ring in case I wanted to propose. She said she hadn’t thought she would get married again, and was completely surprised by having those feelings and really wanting to get married. This is part of that cognitive dissonance that hits me from time to time. I trusted my partner to be honest with me. I asked her to make sure she didn’t get lost in us – to not let my enthusiasm steamroll… and besides, don’t we all want someone who is enthusiastic about us on a daily basis… someone who doesn’t tire of us? I insisted that she act out of love and because she wants to, and not to please me or make me happy. I believed that’s what she was doing.
I sometimes wonder how it would have played out if she would have said no when I proposed. Did she say yes because she felt like she had to? I don’t think that’s the case. There was no hesitation, no thinking about it on her end. Those types of things should be an overwhelming fuck yes when you feel it. I think she felt that. How could the timing have been off if she was unequivocally in the yes column? I was following the pace and fullness of my heart. I believed that she was too.