Last night I went out with my friend Katherine and then met up with Stacy. Katherine bought dinner and drinks – apparently she thinks she owed me from last time. We ended up at Ernestine & Hazel’s where she thought a guy was cute. She left early, and then texted and asked me to find out his deal. I’m social enough that those type of things are only mildly awkward. I got his name and number and texted her back. She was suddenly playing hard to get and said she doesn’t contact guys. These are the things I dislike about dating – everyone has their unwritten rules of engagement, and I’m usually the one that’s just going to stumble around saying what I think and feel and stepping on landmines or walking in to booby traps. I managed to talk to the guy a bit more and he took her number and eventually texted her.
Stacy met me at Ernestine and Hazel’s. There was a brief overlap with Katherine and essentially half of my friends here in Memphis (all two out of four of them) were in the same place. Stacy and I caught up a bit – I don’t think we had hung out for a few weeks. She had just gotten back from a trip to Vegas (it’s where she lived before moving to Memphis). She really likes it out there, I think she plans to move back when her dog situation (she has four or five rescues) gets a little better – meaning after one or two of the dogs passes. We talked about relationships and art and writing and needing space and having interests. I told her that while I’m enjoying my free time and enjoying writing, I don’t know if it’s risen to the level of a passion. To be honest, I’m surprised that I’ve stuck with my writing as long as I have. When I click publish, this will be number 195. When I look back, I’ve written almost every day since early/mid- November.
I started this “journey” for a lot of different reasons. I recognized I’d like to let out some of the things I traditionally held in (give up control a bit and not worry about how my thoughts and feelings are perceived) – I felt I needed to find my voice. I wanted to build a bit more discipline of mind, practice something that took concentration and thoughtfulness. I was still dealing with the fallout of my broken engagement, specifically, the criticism that I was suffocating (I didn’t give my ex-fiancee, B, any space). I was trying to practice the philosophy of being the person I want to find – what I loved about B was her way of moving through the world and her inner thoughtfulness and her warm artistic side. I wanted to work through things with a sense of compassion, and since the conversation with B was cut short, I felt like I needed to continue it, however one-sided, on my own.
Writing seemed like a way to address all of these things. It seemed like a way to cultivate some of those inner qualities while also giving me a solitary activity that would allow me to give someone else space – and by someone else, I think B was always the person in the back of my mind. As Stacy and I talked last night I said I don’t know if it (the writing) will stick. This is what I do now, but I have to allow that I’ve done it for all the wrong reasons. I’m fairly certain that given the choice of sitting on the sofa holding hands and having a cup of coffee with my partner or sitting down to write – I would still choose the partner every time. Would I insist on having space to write every day? Am I at a point where I need that? Have I built the muscles up enough so that I could jump in and out of it every so often, or is writing still something where if I don’t stick to it every day, it will just fade away? So much of this comes back to that bitch of a variable, time. If my partner and I are working demanding jobs and dealing with traffic, and trying to maintain friendships, and of course spending time together, will I find myself back in the predicament of not giving space when space is needed?
I often write about the type of life I want – the writing is usually filled with ambiguity and uncertainty. I’m in a new city with very few friends, no partner and no job. I’m not down about that, but they are the facts. To some degree, I was living the life I wanted, and I’ve had to think about how to re-calibrate. It is a strange space to be in – searching and not searching, remembering and culling memories, moving forward and moving backward. I’m not at all surprised by what feels like a “relapse” in to having strong feelings about B – my renewed desire to revisit and try again. I’ve had the strong desire to reach back out. I’ve tried to blame it on her ex reaching out (it didn’t help), I think it has a little to do with losing my job, I think it has a little to do with her saying something as innocuous as “I don’t think it’s a good idea that we talk” (because vain me thinks – she’s afraid we’ll both still have feelings). When there’s uncertainty, we often look for places of strength and safety – she was that for me. At the same time, I feel a stubbornness settle in. B’s ex boyfriend said she never reached out, it was always him. She herself has said, she never goes back – I always want to say what better way than to break your patterns? I think of Katherine who never initiates. I think of all the ways our pride and insecurities and conditioning get in our way.
Today is leap day. In Europe, there was a tradition of this being the one day on which it was acceptable for a woman to ask a man to marry her. I really wanted to invite B to Memphis this weekend (any weekend actually). I wanted to say something corny like – I have an extra day this year – I can’t think of anyone I’d rather spend it with. And while I have no illusions about how far apart she and I are, I’d be lying if the fairy tale scenario of her realizing we were more than good together and making the symbolic gesture on leap day didn’t cross my mind. “Love is the desire to be desired…” It made me wonder if that was how / when she proposed to her husband (yes, she was the one who asked him).
The problem with leaving the door open – even if you try to be disinterested, is that you keep checking to see if anyone is coming in. Anytime I feel like I’m making progress on living without expectations and just being, I find myself pulled in different directions. I believe in making yourself available for opportunities… but sometimes, just sometimes, I don’t want to be the one to do the work (finding the job, finding the girl, finding the community). Sometimes, I get tired of looking or I want someone else to do the work for me, or I want the opportunity to come and find me (wherever I might be hiding). Leap day is an anomaly of time – a correction of sorts, a way for the physical and ethereal world to sync back up. Happy leap day – be bold, be kind, spend it wisely.