Two nights ago I was asked what my Enneagram types were. Until a few months ago, I knew nothing about these personality type indicators. I saw people posting them on their dating profiles. I took a test in November – and my two highest scores were type 9 The Peacemaker (98%) and type 2 The Helper (91%). Last night I took the actual test, and the results came back pretty much the same with a tie between type 9 and type 2. I’ve also taken the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator before. On that I scored as an INFJ-A (The Advocate). From the Myers-Briggs description:
Advocates have an inborn sense of idealism and morality, but what sets them apart is that they are not idle dreamers. These individuals are capable of taking concrete steps to realize their goals and make a lasting positive impact.
People with this personality type tend to see helping others as their purpose in life. Advocates can often be found engaging in rescue efforts and doing charity work. However, their real passion is to get to the heart of the issue so that people need not be rescued at all.
Advocates indeed share a unique combination of traits. Though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain.
Advocates will act with creativity, imagination, conviction, and sensitivity not to create an advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very attractive ideas to Advocate personalities. These types tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.
And the Description of a type 9:
Type Nine exemplifies the desire for wholeness, peace, and harmony in our world. Nines are easygoing, emotionally stable people. They are open and unself-consciously serene, trusting and patient with themselves and others. Their openness allows them to be at ease with life and with the natural world. As a result, others generally find it easy to be in their company. They are genuinely good-natured and refreshingly unpretentious. Because of their peaceful demeanor, Nines have a talent for comforting and reassuring others and are able to exert a calming, healing influence in difficult or tense situations. They make steady, supportive friends who can listen uncritically to others’ problems as well as share their good times. In work settings, they can be excellent mediators, able to harmonize groups and bring people together by really healing conflicts.
Nines can also be quite imaginative and creative, and they enjoy expressing themselves in symbolic ways—through music, dance, images, or mythic stories, for instance. They tend to look at things holistically, focusing on the ways in which seemingly unrelated ideas or events are connected and part of a greater whole. Indeed, Nines are drawn to anything that affirms the fundamental oneness of the world. Whether they are working with concepts, diverse groups of people, art forms, or feuding family members, Nines want to bring everything and everyone back to a harmonious unity.
In short, Nines are the eternal optimists, always wanting to believe the best about other people, with hope for the best for themselves. They hope that every story will end with, “…and they all lived happily ever after.” Healthy Nines will work hard to make things turn out that way.
And the descritption of type 2:
Type Two exemplifies the desire to feel loved, to connect with others in a heartfelt way, and to be a source of benevolence and love in our world. Twos are easily the most people-oriented of the Enneagram types. They focus on relationship and feel best about themselves when they are meaningfully engaged with others. They want to share the good in their lives and genuinely enjoy supporting others with their attention and care. Insofar as they can, Twos make good things happen for people.
I’ve often had a bit of skepticism about personality tests. I like to believe that we are more fluid than fitting in to one type, and indeed, the major tests state that we’ll often see characteristics of other types in us as well. That said, the descriptions fit with the way that I see myself, and the way others have talked about me. It’s flattering to see myself as the sensitive, helpful type, and yet it also makes me a little uncomfortable. I remember my dad telling me that this is why nobody likes me and women leave me and walk all over me – not specifically because of my scores on these tests, but because I’m a namby-pamby always trying to bring peace. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve decided to lean in harder on these characteristics. They are the parts of myself that I enjoy the most. I spend some of my free time trying to figure out how to use my limited resources to help other people – occasionally, I try to think of ways to gather additional resources so that I can do bigger and better things. In a relationship, this shows itself in what people term nesting. I remember trying to save some money so that if B, my ex-fiancee, moved in and opted not to work for a little bit, she could do that. Unfortunately, it also means that it can put pressure on my partner to match me in these regards. I remember my date with one woman. She said she really liked me, but that I was too nice and that she thinks she would feel like a bad person around me. There was another woman in Philly who I had hung out with for a month or two (we had one date and decided to be friends). She also suggested that I try not to be so nice – that I’m going to get walked on. For me, the answer is never to be less nice. I fight being jaded or cynical… I need to believe real authentic connections exist. It’s why I believed so strongly in my relationship with my ex-fiancee.
When it comes to relationships, The Advocate is described as:
Not ones for casual encounters, people with the Advocate personality type instead look for depth and meaning in their relationships. Advocates will take the time necessary to find someone with whom they truly connect. Once they’ve found that someone, their relationships will reach a level of depth and sincerity of which most people can only dream.
Advocates will go out of their way to seek out people who share their desire for authenticity, and out of their way to avoid those who don’t, especially when looking for a partner.
All that being said, people with the Advocate personality type often have the advantage of desirability. They are warm, friendly, caring, and insightful, seeing past facades and the obvious to understand others’ thoughts and emotions.
Advocate personalities are enthusiastic in their relationships. There is a sense of wisdom behind their spontaneity, allowing them to pleasantly surprise their partners again and again. These types aren’t afraid to show their love, and they feel it unconditionally.
Advocates create a depth to their relationships that can hardly be described in conventional terms. Relationships with Advocates are not for the uncommitted or the shallow.
Type 9 in a relationship is described as
People are often drawn to Nines as potential life partners for many reasons. They are comforting and supportive, warm and sensual. They adapt well to domestic life and enjoy being with their partner. And they seem to be utterly without any significant needs of their own. They are uncomplicated and undemanding to the extent that others get the false notion that the Nine will meet their needs without needing anything much from them. Therein lies the source of problems with Nines in relationship. Of course, Nines do have many personal needs, but to the extent that they are not being met, Nines shut down and withdraw from the other rather than risk getting into a conflict.
I have often felt that I don’t need much in a relationship – presence and authenticity, affection and commitment. I tend to demand that my partner show up fully. I tend to want to know the person at the deepest level – warts and all. This has at times been called intense, and I think B felt as though she was under a microscope. I try to uncover flaws and vulnerabilities so that I might better understand the other person’s needs, and I try to never use those things against the other person. That doesn’t mean I’m perfect at it – when pushed, I can strike a blow that cuts to the core. I often feel like I see right through people – this hurts them when I use it. I can usually spot their motives, their pain, their frustrations from a mile away. The day B left, she didn’t text to say she was on her way home – something was up. This caused anxiety in me which would set us on our spiral… When she got out of the car I could see the turmoil in her eyes, I could see that she had spent that 40 minutes of driving worrying and thinking. When she said everything was fine, I could so clearly see that it wasn’t, and I pushed to get to the authentic answer. I felt like I was being lied to. I’ve replayed that scenario many times. What were the ways we could have short circuited the situation. On her part, if she had said she had a rough session, a rough drive and needs some space, I could have easily (I think) obliged. It was the insistence that everything was fine that drove me nuts – I want to get the bad stuff out and in the open and dealt with so that we can get back to balanced and happy. I don’t tolerate stewing or resentment very well. I believe you put it out there and let go… never keep score. For my part, I was smart enough to see that she needed space, that she was being dismissive and withdrawing. I could have let it go without being told to give her space. I could have done better. I’ve written it elsewhere – one of the things I regretted saying to B in the heat of the moment at the very end was a dig on her for always running away – from her friends and family, from her emotions, from other people she loved, from the issues with her late husband, from me.
Early in our relationship, B was the one who urged me to take the personality test. She wanted to see if we were compatible, and more importantly, wanted me to know what I was getting with her. She and I are pretty similar. She’s an INFP The Mediator.
Mediator personalities are true idealists, always looking for the hint of good in even the worst of people and events, searching for ways to make things better. While they may be perceived as calm, reserved, or even shy, Mediators have an inner flame and passion that can truly shine. Comprising just 4% of the population, the risk of feeling misunderstood is unfortunately high for the Mediator personality type – but when they find like-minded people to spend their time with, the harmony they feel will be a fountain of joy and inspiration.
Unlike their Extroverted cousins though, Mediators will focus their attention on just a few people, a single worthy cause – spread too thinly, they’ll run out of energy, and even become dejected and overwhelmed by all the bad in the world that they can’t fix. This is a sad sight for Mediators’ friends, who will come to depend on their rosy outlook.
If they are not careful, Mediators can lose themselves in their quest for good and neglect the day-to-day upkeep that life demands. Mediators often drift into deep thought, enjoying contemplating the hypothetical and the philosophical more than any other personality type. Left unchecked, Mediators may start to lose touch, withdrawing into “hermit mode”, and it can take a great deal of energy from their friends or partner to bring them back to the real world.
Luckily, like the flowers in spring, Mediator’s affection, creativity, altruism and idealism will always come back, rewarding them and those they love perhaps not with logic and utility, but with a world view that inspires compassion, kindness and beauty wherever they go.
In relationships,
Mediators are dreamy idealists, and in the pursuit of the perfect relationship, this quality shows strongest. Never short on imagination, Mediators dream of the perfect relationship, forming an image of this pedestalled ideal that is their soul mate, playing and replaying scenarios in their heads of how things will be. This is a role that no person can hope to fill, and people with the Mediator personality type need to recognize that nobody’s perfect, and that relationships don’t just magically fall into place – they take compromise, understanding and effort.
These things very much describe the B I knew and loved. Warm and affectionate, dreamy, and with a need to disappear and recharge.
There are people who live by these tests and types. Who will avoid matching up with others because they fear the combinations just aren’t compatible. On that level it feels a little like following the zodiac. Personally, I find some value in understanding the basics of personality types, love languages, and attachment styles, but in the end it all seems to come back to two very basic principles: do you smile, does your soul light up when you’re around this person? And in the contrasting moments, when you are not enthralled, are you willing to work with them so that both of you can be better. The day of that fight that ended things… the last text before the session and the 40 minute drive home B wrote: “I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else either babes. Just got to figure out my own shit and hopefully will be better for both of us. Kisses and hugs.” I wanted balance, I wanted peace, I didn’t want her to think or feel that she had to “figure out her own shit in order to be better for both of us.” I believed that we were in it together.
On our best days, which were many, we were amazing. On our worst, we probably beat ourselves up more than we did each other. As a Peacemaker, Advocate, and Helper – I saw within her an occasional tyrant that told her she wasn’t good enough (we all have this). I got the sense that her mother planted those beliefs and she had been in a marriage that reinforced them. I believed that with patience, love, and compassion she would feel less misunderstood and less self-critical. B often said she was broken. I never knew how to respond to that statement. I wasn’t looking to fix her – I didn’t think she needed fixing. I don’t know why she couldn’t see herself the way I saw her.