On this trip around the country, I’ve met up with a few people through dating apps. It’s a good way to meet locals and it can break up the monotony of sitting at bars and staring at screens. Despite trying to live as though I have all of the time in the world (my minor attempt at having an abundance mindset), I’m very selective about the people I choose to meet. A less time-constrained person would meet up with whoever, wherever, and whenever. More often than not, I guard my time and I choose to explore on my own. That said, when I choose to meet up with someone, what I’m looking for, at the very least, is good company and conversation. While I don’t expect it, I’m also trying to be open to authentic connections – those actual sparks that sometimes happen (and have happened) on dates. I limit my expectations to good company and conversation because these places are not my intended destination and as I’ve already learned on this trip, I don’t know what to do about the actual sparks when they happen. We both know I’ll be moving on to the next place and yet… The Buddhist in me says to let everything be and unfold as it will. Life and connections are not necessarily linear or time-bound to this moment.
In this very limited experience, I’ve noticed that the people I’ve met seem to fall into two categories. Either we’re interested in each other as human beings (a philosophical/spiritual/physical/emotional/mental attraction) or they’re curious about this road-trip thing I’m doing. That’s not to say that the two are mutually exclusive, but there seems to be quite a difference in the level of connection, quality of conversation, and my lasting impressions between the two. I’m curious about each, but for very different reasons.
The pattern I’ve noticed with the second type (the ones interested in travel) is that they seem to be independent to the point of falling into the dismissive category on the attachment theory continuum. Among the very small sample size of my experience, these people long for connections, but then when it becomes too inconvenient or too much of a hassle, they decide that they’d rather do things on their own than compromise. They often say that they prefer to be alone or that they can never find anyone who seems to fit with their way of thinking. They’ll sometimes express how disappointed they’ve been in other people or past partners as a justification for living life on their own terms.
My ex-wife had a friend who traveled the world on her own. She had a ton of interesting stories, but it didn’t seem like she ever got to share them on the most intimate levels – which in my very judgmental opinion seemed like she might be missing out on something. I thought she was interesting, but always felt like the excessive and exotic travel was an overcompensation of sorts. She was, by choice, single – though I have no idea if she had aspirations not to be. As someone who believes, perhaps at my core, that we are better off when we experience deep, authentic, committed relationships, these people are a mystery to me.
Along my current trip, I’ve met at least two other people who have traveled extensively on their own and seem to have this fierce, and almost defensive, sense of independence. Because we met through a dating app, there’s at least the suggestion that they’d like to meet up with someone – perhaps a like-minded someone. But when we’ve met and talked, I can see why finding a partner is (or has been) a struggle. In some respects, they seem too wedded to their own independence to make a meaningful relationship last. And then, because compromise is difficult, they leave relationships and use that as further proof that they’re better off alone. Admittedly, these are broad strokes and wild assumptions based loosely on the things I’ve been told in these meetings. Usually, at some point during our conversation, I’ll share the epiphany I had while hiking in the Smokey Mountains: that as amazing as the experience was, I had the sense that it would be enhanced if it were shared with someone else. I can usually see the skepticism in their eyes – they’re not sure their experiences would be any better with someone else and to a certain degree, they’ve grown tired of waiting for that someone else. All of which is fine and good, but it reaffirms that while we may share an interest in travel (and I happen to be doing it on my own), these are not my people.
I’m curious about this second “type” of person because I often find myself questioning the authenticity of their desire for independence vs. the authenticity of their desire to connect. Admittedly, that’s an arrogant statement – by which I mean I have no right to judge or analyze their authenticity. Except, they’re out there in the dating world trying to connect. I’m curious about this second type of person because at the heart of the matter, I have a slight fear of becoming that type of person. Spend enough time alone, or have enough things not work out, and it gets easier to become jaded and cynical and believe that only you are the master of, and responsible for, your own happiness. To be fair, there’s some truth to those statements – we are responsible for our own happiness (but maybe not solely). Spend enough time alone and have enough experiences as a solo pilot, and it’s easy to believe that you don’t need a co-pilot (or that your tolerance for and appreciation of what a co-pilot does diminishes). All of which is fine except for those times when you do need and/or want a co-pilot.
Also at the heart of my continued befuddlement and curiosity is that I sometimes think the woman who broke off our engagement may have been (or is) this second type of person. As such, I suspect I’m sometimes looking for additional clues that I might have missed. As such, I’ve grown cautious (almost distrustful) around those who exhibit such a strong preference for their alone time. So far, as I’ve met this second type of person in my travels, there has been little to no connection beyond the surface-level conversation around “where have you been and here’s where I’ve been.” And that’s probably just how they would like it.