Is there such a thing as irreconcilable differences? Is there anything that patience and understanding can’t wait out or help? I’m sure I’ve offered up some sort of an answer to those questions over the course of however many posts there have been.
Before I get to that, a brief recap…. I woke up tired and heavy-hearted from a realistically sad dream. I spent the better part of my morning writing about yesterday and trying to recreate the dream. I did not sit outside with my coffee – it was too cold. I looked for a job, took a nap, had lunch. Looked for more jobs. Tomorrow morning I have a quick call with the director of a two-person United Way in the upper peninsula of Michigan – I’m probably going to do some remote volunteer fundraising prep work for them, they need help creating a sponsorship pitch deck…. and well, I was a director of fundraising for United Way and have some time on my hands. After doing some research on them, I exercised and went for another long walk. I took some more pictures of the magnolia trees and flowers, and the tulip trees in Martyrs Park. I also mentally composed a poem about how I don’t fit in with all of the fit runners and exercise junkies in the park (at least not while I’m strolling through watching the birds and clouds). There was a little girl barely old enough to stand who locked eyes with me… her gaze followed me the entire time I passed. I eventually waved, and she coyly looked away. I also came across a very excited good boy of a dog named Beezer. He loved the scritches I gave him, and in turn put a smile on my face. Here are some of those pics. The big park seen from above is Tom Lee Park. The rest are Martyrs and the trees.
Tom Lee Park 
Tom Lee Park – Beale St. Landing
Martyrs Park 
Martyrs Park
Tulip Tree 
Magnolia Bud 
Magnolia Flower
On my way home, my friend in Omaha started texting me. She’s trying a new dating app that I had suggested. To be clear, these past few days she’s told me she shouldn’t be dating and we’ve had a conversations about learning to be alone, and I really think she would benefit from taking a little time off to process… but I also know she’s frustrated and lonely. She said she sees a lot of the same people on the new app as she’s seen elsewhere… yep, that’s how it goes. She said everyone is looking for the same thing…. it’s sad that nobody can find it. Yep, that’s also how it goes. I replied “How much of it is that when one person is in a good place, the other isn’t? Or that we can’t seem to get out of our own way?”
That’s where my leading questions at the top of the blog come from. I know a few people who seem to find authentic connections, but for one reason or another, things fall apart. If we accept that everyone is coming in to this thing with baggage, and everyone is going to change through the process of discovery… how patient should we be? I came across a profile yesterday that said she wasn’t looking for perfect, just perfect for her. That makes some sense… of course what it leaves out is that she also has to be perfect for the other person. Or, maybe in their definitions of perfect, there’s a huge allowance for imperfections and the patience required to work through those. I sometimes find myself in this weird space where I’m not looking for a replica of my last partner, because that’s just not fair…. but at the same time, I really thought I had found “perfect for me.”
My friend in Omaha texted that she met a guy online she thinks she might like – “a real connection.” He’s kind and funny and seems nice and they know some of the same people. She admits that she likes the attention (she’s an attractive woman and doesn’t have trouble getting attention). She said that in talking with this guy she realized that her last boyfriend didn’t give her many compliments. Gaining that kind of insight is always valuable – though I would worry that gaining it through someone else so soon after a relationship could just be an over-correction – a filling in for the gaps that were missing, and may not be a true read on what’s important to her. My ex-fiancee, B’s, boyfriend told me that she appreciated that he gave her space – something she didn’t feel I did very well – a filling in of a gap. Regardless, my friend was texting to thank me for showing her the app and for being “a great source of comfort and support.” This is also her way of saying that she won’t be in touch as much. Just a few days ago she was asking me if I’d want to come visit and also saying she feels bad that she uses me the way she does. I’ve tried to explain that I have a different view on it. The truth is, I’ve had enough friendships like this that I’m kind of used to it and embrace it. It’s a little like the volunteering gig. If I can help someone, be a source of comfort and support… and my energies aren’t required elsewhere… why wouldn’t I do it? As for being used… you can’t steal from someone who is willing to give it away.
That said, another reason I’ve tried to suggest that she take some time to herself is that she might benefit from developing more authentic relationships with friends as opposed to situational relationships like what she and I have. As best as I can tell, when she gets involved in a relationship, she drops all other relationships. I used to do this myself… and to some degree was doing this when I met B, but I was doing a much better job of maintaining friends than I had previously done… In fact, as we were getting ready to live together, we had a number of people who wanted to do the couples thing with us. My friend in Omaha doesn’t do this. I also think that if she could learn to rely on herself for some of her comfort and support, she might not put as much strain on her romantic partner. I have no idea if she puts that strain on her partner or not, but having felt her need to connect these past few days, I get the sense that she is unable to self-soothe. It’s part of that fine line between being dependent and being effectively dependent.
As for irreconcilable differences and patience… I tend to fall back on the notion that if you can maintain that feeling of awe and inspiration that first captured you and made you realize you loved this person, then patience can win out. My friend in Omaha left her last relationship (a few times) because she wasn’t getting what she needed. I preach to her the benefits of learning to be alone so that maybe she needs a little less. I preach patience because in a good relationship, if one person can communicate (which might be a big if) their needs, hopefully their partner will try (and hopefully they’ll have the patience to let them try). My friend said everybody is looking for the same thing…. Maybe most people have already had it, but either couldn’t see it, or couldn’t sit still long enough to recognize it. Patience and understanding go a long way.
In an effort to abruptly shift and end on a less “heady / mushy” note. Google doesn’t only show me reminder pics of Me and B… sometimes it likes to remind me that I was once a superhero (albeit a bit heavier)
That actually became a poster and part of our campaign materials (don’t let anyone tell you I’m not a good sport). And if that wasn’t good enough… I took some pictures of Nick as he tried to sniff the air out on the balcony this afternoon. Little meatball.
