The prompt on the dating app reads, “I’ll fall for you if…” One answer I recently came across said, “You’re a gentleman who does that thing where you walk on the street side of the sidewalk …” Admittedly, this is not something I do or consciously put into practice. This isn’t the first time, I’ve come across someone mentioning this particular behavior as a sign of courtesy, chivalry, or gentlemanly behavior. A woman I went out with a couple of times and genuinely liked had a similar litmus test. Along with good eye contact, opening doors, and treating waitstaff kindly, there are a lot of small signs people look for when they’re first getting to know each other: green flags and red flags. But why?
A week ago, I was in Oakland, CA where I walked a woman back to her car after an enjoyable dinner. Affectionately, we walked arm in arm. Reflecting back, I don’t think I took the street side of the sidewalk. I don’t think it mattered to her. It’s not something I thought about or usually think about. I probably should. I don’t think about it, mostly out of ignorance, but partly because my worldview is one in which the outside world is a fairly safe place. I don’t associate being near the street with being closer to danger (other than with my dog) and therefore I don’t associate taking the street side of the sidewalk with being chivalrous or a protector (other than with my dog – and that’s only because he, like a toddler, has less impulse control and is harder to see). But, I also suspect another undercurrent. Taken the wrong way or to the wrong extreme, I believe chivalry can lead to toxic masculinity and power inequalities. And that’s something I don’t want in my relationships.
My dating style, at least in the earliest stages of getting to know someone, is to be overly considerate and accommodating – sometimes to the point of near passiveness. I will seldom come off as a take control type of guy, much less as the strong man protecting someone from an unknown and dangerous world. I don’t really like take control type of guys – which plays out in my management style, work style, and approach to relationships. I prefer partnerships to dictatorships, shared power as opposed to power over, curiosity as opposed certainty, sharing as opposed to selfishness. I written on my own profile that I think good relationships can become competitions in giving it all away. My blind spot is that I assume everyone sees the world this way and that everyone feels safe enough to speak up for what they need and work towards compromise. This can make me seem distant or aloof and maybe uncaring.
Unfortunately, I’ve gone out with women who have shared horror stories about overly aggressive alpha male types. Guys who send dick pics or crude texts as soon as they get a phone number. Some women I’ve gone out with have been sexually assaulted on dates, quite a few have been harassed. I think it’s awful that woman have to put up with so much more crap than men do. Not that I want men to have to put up with more crap, I’d just prefer less crap all around. I think it’s unfair that women have more things to worry about – which can translate into fewer freedoms. The caveat here is that I don’t know for certain that they have more things to worry about other than to say the statistics on violence, abuse, and assault overwhelmingly point to men as being the perpetrators (men commit close to 90% of homicides and over 99% of rapes). For these reasons, I’m genuinely concerned about comfort and safety. For these reasons, I tend to let the woman take the lead on everything from sharing phone numbers; to determining the if, how, when, and where to meet; to initiating affectionate gestures. Sometimes, this is misread as passiveness or disinterest. I’ve had women tell me they wish I were more aggressive. In hindsight, those instances tended not to be the best fits anyway. In my experience, the better connections just flow naturally from established levels of trust, familiarity, and curiosity. In those cases, interest seems undeniably mutual and the dance just seems to work.
All of that said, I know I could be more mindful. I don’t have to practice or remind myself to be nice to waitstaff or to hold doors for other people. I tend to do that naturally. I could do better by learning and integrating other behaviors that might put people at ease (like walking on the street side of the sidewalk) – provided I can step out of my own worldview long enough to recognize not everyone is as comfortable in the world as I am or has the privileges that I take for granted. But I wonder if there’s a way for me to ferret out those compatible worldviews up front?
I’ve been listening to and reading about the work on primal world beliefs by Dr. Jeremy (Jer) Clifton. He was featured on Hidden Brain recently, and as a follow up to my listening, I went and took the long-form survey to discover (or reaffirm) my own primal world beliefs. Listening to him on Hidden Brain, I became curious about these notions of whether we believe the world is a just world, a safe world, an enticing world, and an alive world. Equally fascinating is the research suggestion that (generally speaking – major trauma aside) our beliefs shape our perceptions of our experiences far more than our experiences shape our beliefs. People in unsafe neighborhoods don’t necessarily tend to view the world as being less safe, wealthy people don’t necessarily view the world as being more abundant, etc.
As Dr. Clifton talked about the bigger umbrellas under which primal world beliefs fall, I began to guess how my views lined up. Listening to him, I could already sense a level of disagreement building within. Likert scale survey statements like, “people usually get what they deserve” assume that the person answering the question is comfortable with a word like deserve. Likewise, we often work against (or in spite of) some of our own beliefs. Because I try to have a non-judgmental view of the world, I don’t fully accept words like “progress” or “better.” I’m not sure the world can be made “better” or be improved, yet I choose work that focuses on reducing suffering and improving community conditions. I can get really twisted up over these nuances, dualities, and inconsistencies.
Internal wranglings and semantics aside, my guesses on my worldviews matched up pretty accurately with the survey results. I tend to view the world as safe and full of wonder but lacking in purpose and justice. I don’t really believe that things happen for a reason or that the world/universe has any particular use or purpose for me. I think beauty and wonder can be found almost anywhere – though I get upset with myself when I fail to see it. While I may not believe in the overall concept of linear progress, I work to improve things (which sometimes feels like a strange conflict) and I want to believe we can do better.
Which sort of brings me back to walking on the street side of the sidewalk and my mental note to do more of this. As with many things in life, I don’t have particularly strong feelings about this practice. If it makes someone else feel safer or more appreciated, I’m happy to do it. But, depending on the comfort level of the relationship, I might also ask why this is viewed as safety or gentlemanly. I’m genuinely curious about what people desire and need, and where those desires and needs come from.
At that dinner in Oakland, we talked about ideals or visions for a future. She listed a number of things she’d like: a garden, perhaps a child or a dog, more time to focus on art, music, and writing. She began each statement with the phrase “I would have,” and knowing that she studied some Buddhist teachings, I asked her about that “would have” aspect (because it immediately creates its opposite: that which doesn’t currently exist). Did she feel her life was currently lacking these things? She said we were talking in hypotheticals and ideals and flipped the question on me. I don’t remember my response, but I suspect it was along the lines of indicating my struggle between wanting everything and also wanting nothing. The only thing I think I know, is that good company makes the journey a little more pleasant… makes the successes a little sweeter and the failures a little less bitter. For me, good company can mute some of those other desires and ambitions. In that state of being, I’m much more likely to think, “I have everything I need right here.” Where we go, what we have, or what we do seems to matter less. A sense that there are no wrong choices or “we got this” takes over.
Having a better sense of my primal world beliefs feels like it might shed some light on why some relationships didn’t work and why others worked “better.” Having a deeper knowledge of self might shed some light on who I might connect well with, and why – regardless of what side of the sidewalk we choose.