January, that month in which people resolve to be better… that month in which people cleanse their bodies of alcohol, and start working out, and make lots of promises, was, for me, a lost month. I was sick twice – or maybe it was just once with two bouts. I barely exercised. I spent way too much time at the bar. I slept poorly. I coughed a lot. I didn’t get out into other parts of the city as much as I normally would. I didn’t hike. I was, to quote the Beastie Boys, “all mixed up like pasta primavera.”
I’ve tried to make February better.
Over the long weekend, I went on two runs, hiked 12 miles on Mt. Tam, and city hiked another 12 miles to various neighborhoods. I resumed my 2 mile evening walks. I went to the Lunar New Year’s Parade. I filed my taxes. I read poetry by the Bay.
In some respects, I’m using February as my month for soft resolutions. My resolutions are seldom resolute. I’m committing to dating more intentionally – which, so far, has been a bust (see previous posts). I’m committing to getting out of my neighborhood more often – a commitment I made by buying tickets to a bunch of upcoming shows: Nathaniel Rateliff, John Nemeth, Rebirth Brass Band, The Record Company, The Black Keys, Ben Harper, and Drive By Truckers. That’s in addition to tickets I already had for They Might Be Giants and Jack White. I’m committing to getting out of the city – maybe taking a vacation. I’ve been looking into taking a trip or two, perhaps international. One goal, by the end of the month, is to submit my paperwork to renew my passport (it’s embarrassingly out of date). I probably need to do this before we no longer have government employees to process such paperwork. I’m also committing to taking care of some things I didn’t take carer of last year because I was unemployed and didn’t have great health insurance – mostly finding and scheduling visits to the doctor, eye doctor, and dentist.
As if that’s not enough, I’ve also been looking into adding some finishing touches to the apartment: area rugs, a few pieces of small furniture (shoe storage and some sort of table to get the printer off the floor). I haven’t necessarily bought any of these things, but I’ve spent time looking. This is when I wish I had a better eye for color and design.
Trying to get things in order, I suspect, is my small attempt at feeling as though I have some control in what feels like very chaotic times. Given what’s going on in our country and the world, I’m not at all surprised that much of January and February felt lost – or that I’ve felt so overwhelmed, that after work, all I want to do is tune out with a beer and shoot the shit with friends at the local pub. Waking up to shitty news nearly every day has been draining. And like a terrible accident, it’s difficult to not stare. It’s difficult to not watch in stupefied horror as events play out. When I wasn’t sick, I was looking for escapes. I don’t doom scroll when I’m at the bar (mostly because the lighting is low and my vision is poor – need to schedule that eye doctor). I’m not sure exercise or concerts or travel or getting things in order does anything to solve our modern dilemma, but those things are at least different distractions. They break the routine. They give me a sense of agency. In these very disturbing times, I need to feel as though I have some agency.
Yes, I’m a month and a half behind the curve. Yes, February is half over. Nevertheless, I’m trying to do better.