This morning I had to consider the possibility that I expect too much from my dog.
For the most part, he’s a good boy. In fact, when I hear other people talk about their pooch problems, my guy seems like a very good boy. When we butt heads, it’s usually on our walks. Again, for the most part, he’s good – maybe 90% of any given walk, he’s fine and well-behaved. But that other 10% (when he sees a rabbit or we pass another dog) he is stubborn, obsessed, and refuses to listen. For me, that’s the frustrating, embarrassing, and stressful part. Under normal circumstances, I can get his attention pretty easily. When there’s a rabbit nearby, no number of treats, or pulling, or whistling, or commands can get him to look at me. I’ve made him sit and stepped in front of him and he still won’t make eye contact with me – he stays focused on his prey. I’ve put treats right in front of his nose and he’s pushed my hand away. The only thing that has worked so far is to grab his meatball head and force him to look me in the eye… And even then, his head and snout are pointing towards me but his eyes are looking sideways in the direction of the rabbit. Of course, the more he ignores me, the more I insist on him needing to pay attention to me. At that point, we are in a death match of who has the stronger will power…
I don’t think he’s intentionally being stubborn or spiteful. He’s a dog doing dog things and following dog instincts – I’m not sure why I expect anything more from him. Towards the end of our walk, I was telling myself that I need to learn to be ok with good enough. Maybe walking past a rabbit, regardless of his pulling or obsessive focus is good enough – after all, if we manage to walk past and no rabbits are harmed, that’s a win, right? I thought about this after our morning walk. I thought about how expectations unmet lead to disappointments and that maybe the answer is to have fewer and/or lower expectations. Walks would be less frustrating if I didn’t care how he acted, right?
By the time I was part way through shampooing my hair, I was convinced that the problem was with me and my approach to the world. I want too much – I expect too much. Am I the type of person who is never satisfied? I started to think about positive psychology, gratitude, and this notion that if we just learn to accept things as they are (or at least approach them with a level of understanding of why they might be the way they are), we’d all be happier. Ironically, suggesting that we change our view and our attitude isn’t exactly accepting ourselves as we are.
The funny thing is, for all of this hand-wringing, I don’t really want much or expect much. I absolutely treasure the simple things in life (my morning cup of coffee, a beer and a fire pit, good music, a thoughtful walk, companionship) and I am semi-allergic to striving, endless self-improvement, and the corporate-culture speak of always being hungrier than the next guy. If anything, I’m a man of mild ambition who is uncomfortable with getting more than he deserves (attention, money, praise). And yet, I spent an inordinately long time in the shower adjusting the water every time it got a little cooler and thinking that I need to expect less – from the dog, from relationships, from the people I know, maybe from myself? I sat and wrote as though from a future blog post:
I remember the day when I declared, or perhaps merely acknowledged, that I am a man of mild ambition. Phrased in the way a spoof pharmaceutical commercial might sound on SNL: If you suffer from mild to low ambition try Surrendria. Just two pills a day and within a week you won’t give a fuck about anything. Side effects may include getting fired from your job; losing your spouse, home, and all other possessions; being ostracized from an over-worked and hungry society; and a mild risk of hedonism or wasting away. But with Surrendria, you’ll hardly notice the side effects, and if you do, you won’t give a fuck about them either. Surrendria – your bliss awaits.
The truth is, I never know how to walk the tightrope between desire and contentment. Aren’t hopes and dreams born out of some level of dissatisfaction with what currently is?
I’m pleasantly surprised with how well my rescue pup behaves, and I’d like him to behave better, and it annoys the shit out of me when he’s completely bonkers. Can’t all of those things be true at the same time? Can’t I be grateful for how he is and still want him to be a little better, want our walks to be a little less stressful?
A little after lunch, I hooked the pooch up to his tether in the back yard (I don’t have a fence) and let him out for a minute. I stood outside with him – it was sunny. A minute later, the neighbors behind us let their dogs out. He went running towards them until he reached the end of his line with a jerk and a thud. He’s done this before which is why I don’t use the tether very much. He has no impulse control. Later, on our evening walk, he started sniffing a very specific spot on the pavement. This was more than his usual sniffing, and I was looking at the spot trying to figure out what was there. In a split second, he took a step to another spot and scarfed something up. He had the whole thing in his mouth. I yelled at him to drop it and smacked him on the top of his head. He was stunned and spit out the remnants of a chicken wing. He looked at me with sad and cowering eyes and I immediately felt bad… It’s the first time I’ve smacked him. I try not to use punishment as a training technique. I don’t have a choker on him or any type of shock collar. On our walks, I focus on positive reinforcement. But in this instance, I didn’t know what else to do. I don’t know him well enough to trust him not to bite my finger off if I had to pry a piece of food from his mouth. If I want him to behave better, it’s partially for my own sanity, but mostly because I don’t want him to die a victim of his own stupidity and unchecked excitement.
I don’t know if I expect too much from the dog – I know I don’t want him to get hurt. I don’t know if I’ve expected too much from relationships – I know I wanted them to work. I don’t know if I expect too much from “life” – I know I’d like it to be safe and fair and happy for more people. I also know that our expectations are higher for the things we care about (dogs, jobs, people, ourselves, life) – and those disappointments are the ones that run the deepest.