The song in my head at 8am is the chorus from Tom Petty’s “The Waiting” … “The waiting is the hardest part… something something something na na na na heart. You take it blah blah and you take it blah blah, yeah the waaaiiiting is the hardest part.”
If a significant part of my days are spent looking for jobs, looking for apartments, and then applying to said jobs and apartments, there are also times when I’m just waiting. There are times (like 8am) when there really aren’t any new prospects (at least not since I checked at 10pm last night). I’m not terribly surprised that nobody posted a new job or apartment listing in the middle of the night, yet I check as though I’m expecting new results (or that maybe I missed something the last time I looked).
And that re-checking has gotten me to thinking about how waiting creates (or requires) its own energy. It’s occurred to me that the waiting contributes to those social media habits (always hitting refresh) that I’d like to tamp down if not break. It’s the old school nervous fidgeting by the push-button phone while waiting for a call or pacing around the house and looking out the windows while waiting for the winter storm to dump a foot of snow and the news scroll to show that school is closed. When we’re waiting for something that we’re anticipating to happen (a type of outside stimulus) we fidget, we pace, we have anticipatory conversations in our head, and we look for outlets (distractions) into which we might pour our energy.
If on the one hand I’m pouring energy into seeking and applying, there’s this second type of energy that comes with anticipation. And it’s not just waiting for responses, but it’s the energy I put into the tiny habits I build to fill the void where I’m expecting those responses to be. I know I’ll hear back about a job or apartment through email (or maybe text). But checking my phone seldom stops at checking for a new email or text. In the absence of getting what I’m expecting/hoping for (news on the job or apartment front) I open five other apps that have nothing to do with jobs or apartments. I’d be willing to bet that I open those apps in the same order almost every time. It’s a thoughtless routine. As best as I can tell, this is my brain’s way of trying to find some change in the situation or some change in my environment. No emails, no texts? ok, any new likes on social? how about the dating apps? any new news on Twitter? how about the blog? new page hits? In the moment, I’m not really concerned about or interested in any of those things. What I suspect my brain is doing is reaching out for stimulation (or answers), and when it doesn’t get them it reaches for something else, anything else.
Those small moments of anticipation add up. Worse than that, they become a mental distraction from which it can be difficult to escape. If I struggle to sit and read (or write) when I’m expecting news on some front, it’s because I’m not fully present in these other activities when I’m waiting.
There’s a whole lot of conditioning that has gone on to get my brain to this point. Our society has trained us to jump at opportunities lest we miss out or lose out. From the days of Ben Franklin, we’ve been taught that the early bird gets the worm and that we need to strike while the iron is hot. Our phones light up with new messages and notifications the instant they happen. As such, we’re trained to be hyper-vigilant and always on the look out. We’re trained to always be on. We’re trained to provide immediate responses and to expect immediate responses in return. I can’t tell you how many times I hear people apologize for not getting back to someone when it’s only been an hour (or a few minutes). Collectively, I suspect all of these things contribute to the slow burn of our modern anxieties.
This, for me, is where runs, walks, and physical activities help. I don’t check my phone nearly as much when I’m doing those things, and I tend to forget that I’m waiting on answers about x, y, and z. This might also be where routines and structured time could help. Perhaps if I train myself to only look for jobs at the same time of day every day and only check emails at specified times, I’d be more focused during the “in between” times of my day. This is also where those other buckets I was writing about the other day can help. When sitting at a bar by myself eating dinner, I tend (like lots of people) to look at my phone. When sitting at a bar having a conversation with someone else (a friend, a colleague, a partner, a stranger) I don’t give a shit about the phone.
Active brains seek (and maybe need) stimulation. We have entire worlds (inner and outer and other) to explore. But when we’re in periods of waiting and anticipating, when we’re seeking to get some basic things in order, those other explorations and pursuits tend to become secondary. Plans get put on hold and we become in conflict with ourselves. We do fewer of the things that bring us joy because we need to do the things that keep us safe, alive, and functioning. And in our search for some signs of progress (or change) we fill in the spaces, we seek other outlets, we seek a sense of familiarity and balance (however small).
I should be looking for jobs today. I should probably wait for the property management company to get back to me (or at least be available should they have any questions). I should probably schedule a few more apartment viewings. I’m bracing myself to hear that I don’t qualify or that the job or the apartment went to someone else. I have some promising leads, but expectations are resentments (or disappointments) under construction. And what I’d like to do is get at least one of these things settled so that I might put my thinking to better use elsewhere. Today is free day at the art museum. I’m going to go for a run, check-in on jobs/apartments, and then try to disconnect through art – which will be far more fulfilling than sitting around and waiting.