I’ve been in a bit of a funk this week.
From some time earlier in the week:
This morning, despite the sunshine and the sound of parakeets and the clear blue sky, I was afflicted with a pestering case of the why bothers. The national and world news awash in economic calamity was overwhelming and depressing. I didn’t feel like writing. I didn’t feel like getting an early jump on work. I didn’t feel like exercising. What I wanted, was a sure-fire way to snap out of it. Nothing came to mind. I waited it out.
The truncated title of an essay that appeared in my email read, “There was once a younger version of you…” You bet there was.
At times, I found myself saying, “next week.” Next week I’m gonna: get up early, exercise more, spend more time writing, etc. etc. The desire to “buckle down” or “get my shit in order” hits in waves when I’m working through the “why bothers.” The desire to find, or create, order when the rest of the world seems chaotic and askew is, I think, natural. I’ve been struggling to find order.
Perhaps wanting to lean in to the funk or snap out of the funk, I took the day off today… and as so often happens, I spent some of my morning paralyzed by too many options: run, write, epic city walk, go to a park and read, go to the beach, sit at a coffee shop, find a late-day sunny spot and have a beer, treat myself to dinner. I want to say yes to all of it.
In the midst of the paralysis, I read a few poems as I drank my morning coffee. I watered the wilting plants. I started to jot things down here. Then I said yes to several things on my list.
I went on that run – 4 miles by the Bay. I walked to North Beach where I took a picture of a shop sign that cracked me up: Wine Sandwiches – sounds messy but fun. I went to a popular deli and sat outside eating an Italian Combo. I walked to City Lights and bought a new book of poetry. I went to an Italian bakery where I sat outside, ate a pastry, and drank a cup of coffee. I walked to the park and sat on a bench in the sun, read, wrote, and people watched. I walked downtown to the Ferry Building past the new 45 foot tall statue that was unveiled last night. I sat in the afternoon sun with a beer. As luck would have it, they were having a special: $5 draft beers if you could show a receipt from a local bookstore. I still had my receipt from City Lights. I walked home along the Bay.
The walkabout, the loafing, the people watching and reading were all welcome distractions. I probably need more days like this, more times like these.