I want what I want when I want it. In that regard, I’m a selfish (and normal) human being. I try to be mindful and keep that selfishness in check, but I am amazed at how often I slip back into the daily grind thinking that “the world is all about me and everyone is in my way.” The funny thing is, people who know me, or at least see me in the outside world – the one that exists outside of my attempts at slowing down, outside of my own head, might be surprised to hear me say I can be an uptight and selfish jerk. To most people, I’m pretty laid back… and I suppose I am, but I sometimes wonder how much of that is because that’s how I want to be perceived… or how much of that is a defense mechanism against an unrelenting and fast-paced world.
This morning I read a chapter in Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh. He passed away this weekend which is a loss on a global level. The chapter I read is called “The Heart of Practice.” It is mostly about learning to practice mindfulness so that it can extend into other parts of life. “Do you practice smiling while cutting carrots?” It’s a simple and thought-provoking question (it also makes me smile a little). Thinking this way forces me to think about the ways in which I seek happiness / fulfillment from everywhere but the present moment. I once gave advice to a friend (maybe slightly misguided advice) to think of the things that make her smile, and then find ways to bring more of those things into her life. I say slightly misguided because with practice, lots of everyday things can make us smile. Practice smiling while cutting carrots.
After reading, I decided I’d get some groceries (it might snow a little later). I was determined to walk slowly (or slower) through the aisles. I was determined to pay attention, to not rush or have any real purpose. I was determined to smile while getting groceries. Before going, I remembered that the back up camera on the car is dirty. It’s been dirty for about a week and I don’t know where the lens is located to clean it. Google to the rescue – or so I hoped. “2022 civic rear camera location.” I could watch tutorials on how to use the camera – I don’t really need a video for this. I could watch videos reviewing my car – nope, don’t need those, either. Link after link seemed to be everything but what I was looking for. I came across a PDF from the owners manual. It told me if the camera is dirty, clean it with a soft cloth. Great. Got that. Now, where again is the camera? That question wasn’t specifically answered on this PDF – it showed a top view of the car with a dot somewhere in the middle of the rear of the car. I went out and cleaned a few spots on the back of the car where I thought a camera might be. Nope, none of them were it. Not a big deal (except lack of a simple answer to a simple question kinda bugged me). I know the information is out there… and google usually delivers accurate results… Whatever.
A few minutes later, driving in the parking lot of the store, another car started to turn down the lane I was going to turn down. In my head, I muttered, “sure thing, dick. guess I’ll go down this aisle.” I had to laugh at myself. Not more than half an hour before, I was reading about how to translate mindfulness into the every day, and now I’m cursing out a stranger for doing nothing more than driving (like a normal person) in a parking lot. This, I suspect, is not smiling while cutting carrots.
As the man got out of his car, I mentally apologized to him (and his little kid) and thought, god, I’m an awful human being… As I shopped, I reminded myself of the little carrot mantra, and though I was wearing a mask, I smiled whenever I thought about smiling. As I did this, I found myself slowing down… naturally. I also found myself thinking more about the purchases I was making and the marvel that is a supermarket – all this food, all of these people who helped harvest and prep this food. The time for things to grow, the care needed. I observed the varying degrees of quality and price. I thought about the pleasure of drinking a really good cup of coffee as I walked down the coffee aisle. I paid attention to the colors and packaging and the people around me.
Mindfulness and slowing down seem to be a recurring theme this weekend. On Friday night, the couple next to me at the bar started the conversation by asking what beers I would recommend. Before long, they were telling me about their marital struggles (going on two years – the struggle, I think). He’s not around, she’s tired, they have a ten-month-old. He admits he’s been the bad guy. He thinks that by admitting that, he has no walls up. He shuts down and gives up when he tries and doesn’t get the response he’s hoping for. He doesn’t want them to act like they’re sixty. He believes that the key to longevity is to never forget where you started as a couple – to never lose that spark. I listened and sometimes offered slightly different views. I suggested that while it’s important to remember what made you fall in love with a person, it’s equally important to see that spark in many different forms… we all evolve and holding on to the fixed version of how you started or the fixed version of where you thought it would go may blind you to a lot other good things in the journey. The guy on the other side of me, a guy I’ve talked to a few different times, would chime in. He’s still really hurt and bitter about his divorce. He cheated on his wife and tried to own up to it only to find out she had been cheating on him for a few years. He feels he took all of the blame. He’s with someone new now, and gets mad at her because she relies on him for everything.
The other guy next to me (the young couple) was clearly uncomfortable with being challenged and when I told him he looked uncomfortable, she nodded and he owned it. He said he just wants it to work and I said that seems like a good place to start. As they got ready to leave, they bought me a beer – which was nice. They were excited because they were going dancing, something they haven’t done in a while. They were also going to have their first couples therapy session this weekend. After they left, the guy next to me started to talk about relationships being difficult and the bar in his basement. He’s put a lot of work into it. Her kids, hung out one night and made a mess of the place. He felt disrespected by their lack of care for his stuff, and he felt ganged up on when they said he should drop it. I asked him, long-term, what does holding on to that feeling do for him? He has every right to feel disrespected and to voice his feelings, but what good comes from marking it down in his ledger as a strike against her or them? He seemed to agree and said I’m wasting my time doing the work that I do and that I’ve probably missed my calling as a counselor (and he hates counselors). Little does he know I’d secretly tell people to get fucked when they get in my way in a parking lot….
If there was an overall consensus, it was that letting go (of position, of expectations, or grudges or hurts) is an important step towards compromise and communication. I had shared with all of them my thinking that we have choices. We can hold on to these petty things, we can keep score, and we can walk around miserable and angry. We can also try to do something other than that. We can choose each other despite the frustrations. The world is full of people, and the more pleasantly we approach that fact, the better off we’ll be. I don’t know why we make such a mess of things – especially with the people we care about (other than to say, it’s precisely because we care). I don’t know why we get so hung up on being right or outraged or put out. In one of my favorite commencement speeches, David Foster Wallace suggests that this is our default setting. While not a fan of toxic positivity, I do think that we can choose and we can practice – even if (especially if) the practice is as simple as smiling while cutting carrots.