There are mornings when my mind is slow to fully…. I wanted to write confabulate when I was really thinking of conflagration. An interesting mix up. Confabulation: a symptom of various memory disorders in which made-up stories fill in any gaps in memory. That’s not what I meant, instead I was thinking of how, when given the opportunity (meaning not pressed by the schedule of getting ready for work or answering that email) my mind takes things in and some days slowly builds to a roaring fire. What I do and how I feed it determine the size of the fire.
I woke up. I ate. I had some ideas. I revisited some ideas from yesterday. All a good start. I sat on the balcony with the intent of reading. I wrote a short paragraph about the sky. I read a poem. I came in and cleaned the dishes and made the bed. I was avoiding the fire. I read the response email from my friend Gabe – he’d be happy to be a ruthless critic of my work (great). I looked at how little cat food I have, just enough to get through the weekend (the grocery store forgot it with my order last week). I ordered groceries. I watered the plants – clearly avoiding the glowing embers ready for oxygen and combustibles. I sat down at the computer – briefly thought of playing a game. This was the point when I realized if I did that, I would extinguish any sparks.
So here I am. What do I have to say? What will I revisit and tweak ever so slightly? I’m still thinking about this notion of change. Specifically, I’m thinking about how I define myself, now, in the past, and in the future – as a partner, as an employee, as a community member. Admittedly, I spend most of my time thinking about who I am and how I’ve changed as a partner…, and a little bit about who I am as an employee. This, unsurprisingly, is the partner me – the continual revising or reinforcing of the dating profile.
On the one hand, I don’t think very much has changed. I still love music and live music, hiking, urban exploration, good meals, dive bars, sitting outside and people watching, being near the water, the feel of the sun, a good thunderstorm, the smile and goofiness of dogs, exercise (kinda), being around people, quiet time, small surprises, road trips, drinks on the patio or by a fire pit, etc. etc. While these are all things I enjoyed sharing with someone else when in a relationship, absent the relationship part, I’ve been enjoying them on my own.
On the other hand, a number of things have changed. I’ve taken up a level of spirituality, I’ve tried to slow down, I’ve become a bit more present in my observations of the world, I’ve started reading and writing more, I’ve laughed less, I’ve longed more, I’ve discovered a richness and complexity that maybe I wasn’t noticing before.
Then there are the things that I don’t know whether or not they’ve changed – the things that necessarily require someone else as a mirror. For one, I have no idea which of the above things will be essential for me to keep and which, if pressed for time or attention, will I be willing to give up. Along those same lines, I don’t know which things will stick and which will fade away – have I practiced mindfulness enough to use it effectively, or will I fall back in to the pattern of focusing on little things that don’t matter much? In the battle of my neurotic planning vs. being in the moment, which will win out? And what might someone else bring that I learn to appreciate or that pushes me a bit?
That last one is difficult. While I probably don’t need to remind myself to pay attention (with the right person, it becomes reflexive and instinctual – you notice everything and love most of it), it’s hard to think about those small things without thinking about what I’ve liked in other people (flirting with longing). What are the things that I might not do for myself, but will enjoy because someone else likes them? I would have never run a half-marathon were it not for my ex-fiancee, B. I don’t know that I would have learned to cook very well (some might argue I still can’t) were it not for my ex-wife. I’m not sure I would have appreciated the inefficiencies of slowing down and paying attention to the details were it not for B. This last one has been influential – has helped push me down that path of being what I admire in someone else. It is something that I didn’t see before and needed help with (still do). I loved that she was never in a hurry (a good balance to my be early, everywhere, always). I loved that she always had flowers in the house and lemons in a bowl from which she made salad dressing for our dinners – not for the week, but for that meal… or that we might have to get groceries every day, but it would always be thoughtful.
Being the son of an academically driven person (my dad) and a do what you have to do / keep it together type of person (my mom), being a parent, and being married to a driven type-A woman trained me to be pretty efficient. In some respects, I was always process oriented and followed the rules. I don’t dislike this about myself – it’s pretty useful sometimes. But I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that the three or four people I felt the most connected with in the last few years all had this artistic warm side. Of those people, the one that I left, was probably the most career oriented and driven one (which in my mind translated in to a potential lack of warmth)…. and of those people, the one with whom I felt most connected was probably the most free.
Ultimately, I want someone who is going to go along with me and also challenge me – and as part of that challenge be patient enough to see that I’m moving in their direction because I want to, but that it might also take some time. I touched on this way way back when I wrote about learning to run. B would tell me to go ahead and run at my own pace – I think she felt pressure to keep up or that she was holding me back…. when what I was really trying to do (other than spend time with her) was learn to move at her pace… I liked her pace.
For me, the first step in finding that person, is in being able to articulate who I am, who I’ve been, who I hope to be, and how I’d like to be (with a whole lot of room for variation). I revisit these topics because learning requires repetition and the revisions that come with trial and error. I don’t have a partner to show me how to slow down or be more observant or carefree. I have to write about it and practice it and remind myself what it was that I found so captivating – if only to be able to give a little of it to myself, and maybe not have so far to go the next time around.