Cows are ruminant animals and must chew their food twice in order to digest it properly. They spend nearly eight hours of their day chewing their cud (food softened by saliva, swallowed, moistened by digestive fluids, and then “regurgitated” back up for a second round of chewing).
Mentally, I can be a lot like a cow’s digestive system.
I once dated a woman who said she perseverated. I had no idea what that was and had to look it up. Thank god I only ruminate.
I’ve been haphazardly re-reading, editing, and unhiding some of my previous posts. I started this version of this blog back in September of 2019, just after accepting a job in Memphis, TN. I knew I’d be moving to a city where I didn’t know anybody. I knew I’d have lots of long and lonely nights. I had been criticized by my ex-fiancee for being needy and for not having my own interests. I took the criticism to heart and decided I should pursue a more solitary life for a little while. With intention, writing became a part of that life. I wanted to develop a voice – I needed to develop a voice. I wanted to get over some of my fears – mainly that I am a messy human being like the rest of us and that hiding that messiness is a disservice to who I am. I knew my ex-fiancee would find my blog – you don’t end an engagement and never google the person. It’s hard to know how knowing she was in the audience impacted my writing – it’s one of those subconscious things. I’ve also taken it all down twice in attempts to re-evaluate what I’ve been doing. As of this post, there are 115 published posts and another 254 hidden posts. I’ve been busy. I’ve had a lot to say. I’m still not sure if any of it was worth saying. I’m a tough critic when it comes to writing and purpose and navel gazing.
The re-reading and unhiding hasn’t been terribly methodical. I get a report everyday that tells me what pages have turned up in google searches. I figured that was a good place to start in determining which pages to re-post. I never knew how many people searched the topic of burnt toast as a sign of a stroke (seriously, every day). Nobody actually clicks through to my site, but TurtleSloth will appear on the deeper pages of google searches. I’ve been fine with having no audience – in fact, given what I’ve seen in terms of trolling, I’m kinda glad to fly under the radar.
Some mornings, I just choose a page at random, re-read it, make some minor edits, adjust the tags and classifications if I feel like it, and then unhide. If it seems relevant or if I enjoyed re-reading it, I’ll sometimes stick the post to the top of the site. Last night I wrote about getting some of my swagger back and this morning I read a post from November in which I was determined (resigned) to waiting for my ex-fiancee to see me as the person she initially fell in love with. The change from then to now has been subtle – I’m not sure a reader would notice.
I’ve written so many posts, that I’ve forgotten quite a few of them. I’ve also quoted a lot of other writers – I’ve forgotten quite a few of them too. Re-reading has given me some pleasant re-discoveries or nuggets of wisdom (mostly from the other writers). I was afraid that I’d be embarrassed by most of my posts – that I’d look back and say, “wow, what whiny little bitch I was,” or “what a pathetic sap.” That hasn’t been the case, or if it has, I feel a little pride of ownership – yep, this happened, it made me sad and depressed – this is what that looks like. Sometimes as I read older posts, I think about what the outsider must see – and then I remember that whole I have no audience thing.
This last time that I hid all of the old posts (and the way to tell old from new is that I used to use all capital letters in my titles) I did it partially because I was participating in protests and online arguments with what I thought was a bogus charity, and I didn’t want their defenders digging around in my stuff. I was also applying for more jobs and trying to be aware of my “brand.” But also… I was thinking about the upcoming anniversary of when I met my ex-fiancee. I was thinking about how she might be thinking about it too and might check in on me. I wanted to vacuum, put away the dishes, clean the place up for her – make it look good in case she wanted to come back home. I don’t know if it was wishful thinking or just another part of the moving on process (which sometimes seems like a process of tossing your hopes out there, seeing them dashed against the rocks, and saying, ok, cool, I see we’re still in the hopes being dashed against rocks phase of this thing…).
As I was watching a video about “true love” it suggested that people in love don’t gossip about their relationship – they recognize it as something sacred and want to keep it between them. Has this site been one long gossip? This fits with something Stephen Dunn wrote which is a writer should never be expected to be a true lover – “The writer, shortly after great love, uses.” I’ve often wondered if I would have turned to writing had my relationship with my ex-fiancee continued. Is it possible for someone whose primary trade is conflict and story and detail to be in a happy relationship? To not examine and re-examine every conflict from every angle? I’d like to think one can do both – have an extremely happy relationship and be a writer. If I had to choose, it would be the relationship – no question. In the absence of that, I’ve written over 300 blog posts – so many of them have been focused on how to have a happy relationship. I really should just start an advice column or figure out how to get some scratch out of all of this writing – you’d think I’d be an expert at it by now… I hope I’m not just chewing the cud and fouling the place up with cow patties.