Quite often, this trip is my Jekyll and Hyde, my Yin and Yang. Frustration and despair followed by joy and delight. For a few hours yesterday (and some of this morning), I was paralyzed by indecision. I was ready to give up and go home (though where that is, I can’t quite specify).
I spent much of yesterday morning being responsible. Spurred on by two recent rejections, I looked for jobs, applied to one, and saved a few others. Then I walked around Kansas City and explored. I like the part of town I’m staying in. It has a bunch of small art galleries and bars (this is the joy part). When it stated to rain, I came back to my place and tried to get a hotel in my next city (or cities). This was when I hit the wall (this is the despair part). I figured I’d stay a day or two in Tulsa and then drive on down to Austin. The only problem was that most of the rooms in Austin were going for over $250 (some for over $400) a night. Feeling the sting of sticker shock, I changed my dates so that it didn’t include the weekend. Prices got better, but only on airbnb – which isn’t that cheap when you add in the hidden $100 cleaning fee. By adjusting my dates, I’d have to extend my stay in Tulsa – where I was once again hit with sticker shock. Weekend prices were in the $200 a night range. For Tulsa, Oklahoma!
Feeling frustrated and semi-committed to skipping Austin and maybe Tulsa in favor of a cheap motel on the side of some desolate road in the panhandle of Oklahoma, I gave up and went out. I figured I’d have a drink (or ten) and sleep on it. Joy returned as I wandered around and found a few quaint watering holes including one that was a little like a library cafe (you could borrow books to read while you drank) and another that had the dark speakeasy feel (empty alleyway, locked door, dark room, and leather chairs).
This morning, not quite able to sleep, I returned to the computer to face my frustrations anew. Yesterday, I had felt defeated. I was on the verge of skipping Austin (which was one of the few places I had intentionally planned on visiting when I loosely mapped this whole thing out). After a bit more googling and airbnb-ing and searching, I came up with an itinerary that starts in Tulsa today, hits Dallas for part of the weekend, and still gets me a few days in Austin. After that… ? Probably Santa Fe.
As someone who doesn’t care much for comparison shopping, I’m easily frustrated by trying to find good rates on places to stay. Some of the frustration is warranted. At least twice while using google to compare rates I clicked through to a site called bluepillow and the site said something along the lines of, “you just missed that rate” or “this property was just booked.” Twice in two different cities at 6 in the morning, the room I was looking at was just booked?
Petty frustrations aside, I’m slowly making my way westward. As I do so, I’m debating this “flexible and spontaneous” approach. Yesterday, and again this morning, I spent way more time than I wanted to spend trying to schedule my next few nights. In doing so, this “getting out of my comfort zone” by not planning too far ahead began to feel stupid and lame. If there’s one downside to this whole process, it’s constantly having to make decisions (where to stay, where to eat, what to see, how to arrange my day/evening, and how much is it gonna cost).
Aside from knowing that I’ll probably shower in the morning, eat three meals over the course of the day, drink some coffee and maybe later a beer, and eventually go to bed, there are no patterns to fall back on, no routines to provide structure to my world. Every day, I’m navigating somewhere new and experiencing something for the first time. It can, at times, feel like stimulation overload, and at other times feel monotonous (another coffee shop, another bar). I’m reminded of the lyrics from Wild Child’s song “Stitches”: “I want to come home / ‘cuz I miss your bones … and I wanna come back / ‘cuz the road’s too hard / too many sinners / in too many bars.”
As with almost all of my reflections, it’s always about balance – which is a little harder to find on the road. I suppose if I’m lucky Jekyll and Hyde (experience and reflection / planning and spontaneity) get together for a bite to eat and maybe to compare notes.