By the time I got home, I wasn’t in the mood for it – any of it.
It was a nice day here in central PA. It was probably the warmest it’s been in months. Even the sun was out. When I left the office, I put the windows down a little and turned the music up. Part way on my drive home, I looked at my phone… uggh a work thing. It was one of those emails where your stomach sinks a little. And then as you process, sinks a little more.
I feel like I get a few of those emails or calls every week or so. Something I forgot to do, something I didn’t know I had to do, something I’m still learning to do, or something that’s a priority for one person, but not a priority for me. I know my experience isn’t unique, but it often feels that way. Yesterday I was on a call with some other nonprofit executive directors. One woman shared that for her first year, she had a constant fear that she was going to be fired by her board – she had to make every decision about everything related to the organization, often on the fly and with insufficient information. She was never sure which decision would be the one that went south. I was on a similar call about a month ago when a colleague shared that for him, the overwhelming challenge was that almost immediately, he was expected to know everything about everything – all decisions (finance, office management, personnel, fundraising, etc.) defaulted to him and there was never enough time to get up to speed.
Walking in the door feeling anxious and distracted to an energetic dog that’s been home alone all day didn’t help. My head was in work mode – what’s my reply, what do I need to know… I should just leave it be. Kimbrough was in walk, play, and pay attention to me mode. He was knocking things over in his exuberance. I wanted – needed – a moment of peace to think. I absentmindedly wandered around the house, gathering the things we’d need for a walk: poop bags, treats, coat – forgetting what I was getting in each room. I opened the door and he bolted out until the leash tugged both of us. This is one of the things we’re working on. I brought him back in the house to try again – this time with a much shorter lead and a treat. We walked.
Anyone whose trying to train a dog knows how challenging the before work and after work walks can be. So many distractions. So much energy. So many other dogs. We came up to a house that almost always has dogs out. Two of them always run up to the fence and run back and forth barking like little assholes. On most days, I bring Kimbrough closer to me, distract him with a treat and give him the command to leave it. He does pretty well with it. I don’t know if it was because the owner was out or I was distracted, but I didn’t follow the normal routine. No treats, no commands, just tugging and frustration. Kimbrough barked back at them – louder, and more aggressive. He’s crazy strong. He pulled hard and I fought back in the other direction. He was absolutely losing his shit over these dogs, and there I was dragging him along looking like that dog owner.
I was frustrated with him. He felt out of control for much of the walk. If I had to guess, he was only a little worse than usual and my tolerance for it, because my head was elsewhere, was a lot lower. I just wanted something easy when I got home – something stress-free. A rambunctious pup, lovable as he is, was neither easy nor stress-free.
We finished our walk, I fed him and grabbed a beer from the fridge. I had visions of enjoying the nice weather – the two of us on a jaunty walk, carefree. Now I just wanted to slump into a chair.
An odd byproduct of getting a dog has been a deeper understanding of being a dog owner. With it has come a level of empathy that I hadn’t expected. I can remember thinking an ex was having off morning when she would do things like forget her phone when she left for the morning walk – now having done that two or three times, it makes a certain sense. Or she would say that she just needed half-an-hour after work to decompress – something I felt I needed desperately today and understand better today. I had helped out with that dog, but it’s not the same as being fully responsible for it – the morning walks when you don’t have much time, or the energy that you can’t match at the end of the day….
And it’s not so different with people. As Kimbrough and I walked home and I thought about how my mood was probably more of the issue than his being a dog doing dog things, I thought about how we behave similarly with colleagues and partners and friends. We bring baggage into situations and unload it at the first chance we get or we let it get us off of our game. I also thought about how I’m not sure what I would have needed when I walked in the door. If someone else were here, would they have been a blessing or a curse? Would they have known how to diffuse or ease? Would they have listened or tried to solve? Or would it have been one of those evenings when the baggage of the day would be too much for either person to carry?
For much of the night, Kimbrough has been sleeping by my side and things have settled back into place. They usually do with a little time and perspective, and then I regret letting them get to me in the first place.