Walking home from the grocery store I passed a man. He was tall, had wavy dark hair, fit, well put together, and attractive. He stood on the grass by the sidewalk having a conversation on his phone. He spoke with confidence. I kinda hated this man. I mean not really, but I absolutely felt a sense of jealousy as I passed. Younger, better looking, and probably more successful (at least financially). He had a VP air about him. I felt petty for being jealous. I know nothing about his story – maybe he’s also a great guy and rescues puppies in his spare time. Though he’s probably a jerk with a blackened and withered heart. Coke problem. Serial philanderer. Cries at night because of his hollow existence… one can hope, right?
Of course, I’m exaggerating and mostly kidding. I’m making these things up because the real jealousies are far harder to admit or understand. The real jealousy was that in the instant of my passing by, he became the embodiment of the guy who every ex has left me for or has settled on instead of me. In some respects he represented the happily ever after some have found while I’m still tripping over myself and struggling to find my keys. It’s not that I’ve had a lot of exes leave me and only one (that I know of) cheated on me, but when they did leave, it was sometimes without resolution. When we face those types of rejections, the unresolved ones, they tend to stay with us. They become a slime on the brain that’s hard to wash off. And every once in a while, instead of our brains reminding us that it was us or our behavior or maybe just not a good fit, our brains tell us that we were rejected for something better – which must look something like the 6 foot 2 wavy black-haired, and chiseled Adonis standing confidently and oh so tall as I slink home carrying two bags of groceries looking like Quasimodo begging for the grace of water from a kind and attractive woman.
I know that I am neither alone nor unique in my insecurities. These moments are the small pieces of kindling that set many a relationship ablaze. “I saw you looking at him… you should only have eyes for me.” “What’s she got that I don’t got?” This is partially why I wanted a better understanding of consensual non-monogamy – I have to imagine the jealousy trap is always close by and easy to fall victim to.
Not only did this guy become the chosen one for a few exes, but because none of my exes have ever come back to me begging for another chance, my mind assumes that either they’re really happy with this guy – far happier than they were with me – or that they’re out there hoping to find this guy. To which I can only say, hey, I get it, he’s a good looking dude. He’s got something, probably a lot of somethings, that I don’t have.
Again, I’m exaggerating, but I was surprised at how quickly my mind blended jealousy with rejection. The truth is, I’ve seen some of the guys my exes have dated – I’m not jealous. In most cases, I’m happy for them. Very recently, Facebook, in it’s creepy recommendation algorithm, suggested I might want to be friends with the woman who was my high-school sweetheart. Her profile picture is perfectly normal with a normal looking husband (not some Jason Mamoa god-like figure) and two very normal looking kids. I’m glad that she has normalcy.
The bigger challenge – the one that I think couples who practice consensual non-monogamy may be more practiced at facing – is in being comfortable with, and accepting of, the notion that our partners may, at times, find other people attractive. This is perfectly normal behavior, and for each individual, it manifests differently. I suspect there are people who quite honestly only have eyes for their partner and there are people who have eyes for anything and everything that moves. As someone who has “been out of the game” for a few years, I sometimes wonder if constantly looking at dating profiles has shifted where I am on the spectrum. Historically, I’ve been an only have eyes for my partner type of guy, but perhaps that’s changed.
As for the guy standing by the sidewalk as I passed, this male version of Jolene…. I wish him all the best… as long as he doesn’t take her just because he can.