Near the end of my evening walk, I detour to the “corner bar” that sits in the middle of the block. When I come home, I want to love everyone and everything. I’m stealing that sentiment from the title of a poem “I Come Home Wanting to Touch Everyone” Of course, I come home to an empty apartment – not even a pet to greet me. In the comedy sketch that is my life, a sad tuba plays wah wah as I open the door. I settle in on the couch. I put on Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic” and try to calibrate my longings. What’s difficult to navigate is feeling like I have a ton to offer and a ton to take in, and not knowing what to do with any of it.
That was a week ago – just before bed. The previous day, I had exchanged a few emails with one of my friends from State College, PA. He was out here visiting family. We weren’t able to get together then, but he expects to be back out this way in a month. I’m excited about that. Earlier that day, I spoke with a woman who heads up fundraising for a housing organization in Chicago. I’ve been doing some volunteer consulting for them – which, like a lot of management and consulting work, is mostly about listening, re-framing, and asking questions so that people might question their assumptions, or feel more confident in their choices. At the bar, I reached out to a Oakland-based poet I’ve known through Twitter. We’re going to get together when he comes across the Bay into the city. Also, while sitting at the bar, I swiped on a few dating profiles. It turns out that beer goggles work just the same on an app as they do in person. In this quantity vs. quality dating game of tug-o-war, I hate that apps promote quantity. At the end of the night, the bartender asked me to give him a heads up next time I’m going to an interesting show. We like similar music and he’d be up for seeing a show.
Feeling good about these things: the potential visit from a friend, helping the nonprofit in Chicago, the idea that my passing acquaintances are starting to deepen… even the stupid numbers game on the dating app that seems to tilt in my favor, is what prompted the end of night, post-bar euphoria. These minor victories are what keep me going on most days. They’re enough to remind me to be patient and not force my hand – though that may be my confirmation bias speaking – my desire to look for evidence that what I’m doing will eventually pay off.
I also receive plenty of advice counter to my slow and steady approach. In the span of a week, I went on two different dates with people who wanted to challenge me to be more aggressive in pursuing the things I seek. One suggested that I might need to develop my personal brand. The other suggested I pursue a path of relentless networking and follow up. I’m not sure I’m built that way – especially the personal brand advice. Talking about humans as brands makes my skin crawl.
For now, I’m content to do things my way. I’ve made good progress on the job front. This past weekend I volunteered at a housing fair where I got to talk with people looking for housing services and was able to network with agencies providing housing services. A connection I made on a morning walk a few weeks ago, has invited me to do some hikes (we went this past weekend and are going again this upcoming weekend). That same connection has put me in touch with a few nonprofits. A different connection I made in that same morning walk group took me to one of the best bakeries in town for croissants, and is going to show me around Chinatown. To say that things are falling into place might be premature, but they’re also not falling out of place.