I assume what I’m feeling this morning is a combination of anxiety and boredom. The benefits of routine, or more precisely, the challenges one faces when routines are broken seem to be hitting me this morning. The weather isn’t great. Periods of strong wind and driving rain. I woke up at 3:30 and tossed and turned until finally getting up at 5am. It’s 9am as I write this. I have a lot of “should do” items on my list… should look for a job, should confirm my two freelance calls, should exercise, should figure out the move. I don’t really feel like doing any of those things. I suspect not getting a walk in this morning is playing in to the antsy-ness that I’m feeling. I’ve decided to eat my emotions and have a second breakfast, which feels like the opposite of working out.
Weather: Hurricane Laura
I don’t think the weather is helping. I can remember times back in Pennsylvania when major storms were on the way. I remember the anticipation. Superstorm Sandy was the worst of it – and it left us without power for almost a week. But the big snowstorms were also full of this distracted sense of boredom. Just sort of pacing around the house, looking out the big picture window at the sky. Waiting. Today tugs a little at those feelings. I think we’re in the clear in terms of tornado warnings, but the skies are gray and every so often I can hear the wind howl. I’ve found trying to focus on something that requires mental acuity is nearly impossible – my mind drifts too often to really get an honest start on something. I suppose that’s when social media or video games or chores become the distractions of choice.
Moving
Yesterday I bitched a bit about moving. There are other days I’ve bitched about it too. On the one hand, it’s not a huge deal. People do it all the time and I know I’ll figure it out. But on the other hand, the waiting is a little like the storm. I open my cabinets, see some food, and think “I should probably eat that – seems dumb to pack it and take it with me.” Item by item, day by day, I’m scanning my apartment and making some predetermination on what needs to be packed what I should try to sell, what I should give away, and what I should toss. I’ll be doing this for the next few weeks. Maybe I’ll feel better when I get a few more details nailed down.
Freelance Work
I’m glad that I’m being offered more work. It not consistent enough to replace an actual job, but there’s potential. Taking these jobs puts me in an odd position with respect to my unemployment. Since this is the first time I’ve ever gotten unemployment, I really don’t know how it works. My understanding is that if I earn over $x but under $y, I’ll qualify for partial benefits. If earn under $x, I qualify for full benefits. And if I earn over $y, I don’t qualify for any benefits. That’s all straight-forward enough. What is not clear, and I’ve looked this up twice and haven’t found a good answer, is how benefits weeks are counted. I’m told that I qualify for 26 weeks of full benefits and a maximum of $z in a year. But… if I receive partial benefits for a given week, does that count against my number of weeks? Is it continuous weeks? If I earn over the threshold am I still supposed to file? I’ve seen a number of articles saying that people aren’t going back to work because they’re earning more by collecting unemployment (especially those who got the extra $600 COVID unemployment – of which I am not one). But, they might not be trying to get work because the instructions on how to “blend” unemployment with sporadic part-time or gig work isn’t terribly clear. For years, I have been a fan of the concept of a universal basic income – basically, it’s a base pay that everyone gets regardless of employment. It’s not meant to sustain a family, but it is meant to supplement income – especially for those who work full-time yet earn wages that won’t support their family. Personally, I’d rather see companies pay better wages, but that’s something this country won’t touch. I don’t want to game the system. At the same time in this weird space where I need to cobble things together, it’s in my interest to maximize my benefits. I suppose if I really wanted to maximize my benefits I’d have applied for other forms of assistance (food stamps, rental assistance, etc.) However, pride gets in the way of doing things like that – pride and the sense of shame that we’ve heaped on to people who use such programs. Reagan called them the welfare queens, Romney called them the takers. People on government programs are seen as being a drain on society. Corporations that take advantage of tax breaks are seen as entrepreneurial.
Writing
Putting a few thoughts down this morning has helped as a distraction. I suppose if I pick up some more work, that will help too – though I hate having to look at my time sheet / earnings and wonder whether I’m somehow screwing myself by working. I already made the mistake of exceeding the base amount I could earn – but forgot to subtract out 20% for what the freelance website is skimming. I have some menial tasks I can do… and maybe I’ll try to write that more grateful piece at some point, maybe I’ll work on building a portfolio site… or maybe I’ll just pace around and look out the window waiting for the storm to pass.