After the big boy breakfast and the dog walk in the blustery gray that feels more like November than October, I sat on the sofa with a cup of coffee and began to read. I only read a poem or two and paused thinking this is nice… wouldn’t it be better with company? For me, such a question is always somewhat perilous territory. The last time I lived with someone, I thought it was great – she said she hated it. I try not to go there, but once in a while I still do. I try to think about what specifically she hated – maybe all of it. As I’m writing this, I’m trying to practice self-exploration, not rumination… I’m trying to think about the ways in which I communicate, the “vibes” I give off, and how those things match up (or don’t) with my self-perception. If that sounds like a bunch of garbled psychobabble, it’s because in my head, I have several examples involving different people that seem to form a pattern that paints a different picture of who I am than who I think I am… but I can’t quite put the pieces together. So here goes?
Self-perception
I tend to think of myself as being a pretty laid-back person. The person I strive to be is easy-going, worry-free, stress-free. I get frustrated with myself or my situation when I can’t be those things. I have one tattoo that says so it goes, and I have another that, in some ways, represents the imperfection and incompleteness of life. I’ve been told by people I’ve dated that I have a California vibe. One woman told me I wasn’t edgy enough for her (too laid back – she preferred more alpha-male types). An ex, who was from California, said she didn’t expect to move to the east coast only to meet her California guy. My parents have described me as having a roll-with-it personality. As a parent and a teacher, I was the one who wouldn’t raise his voice – I don’t believe in yelling and I try to practice positive reinforcement. When I argue, I’ll try to walk away before throwing cheap shots, personal attacks, or punches below the belt. I am, for the most part, conflict-avoidant, inclined to acquiesce – I usually choose peace over hassle.
There is, of course, a different side to all of this – a different side to me. I am critical. I can be demanding. I have high expectations. Those same exes have said I was stubborn and controlling. When I care about something or someone, I tend to care about it or them deeply. I communicate when I’m unhappy or disappointed or hurt (which is sometimes taken personally). I am quick to point out what’s not working. I may not yell, but I’ve been told that my disappointment is crushing and my withdraw or withholding can feel cruel. In certain areas of life, I am intense. In various settings with different relationships (work, friends, partners, etc…) people seem to want to please me and are sometimes intimidated by me.
Duality vs. Continuum
The other night, I was re-reading my about page. Two years into this project, it holds up surprisingly well. My intentions when I started this blog were to practice longer-form writing, to get comfortable with being more authentic and open with my place in the world, and to explore my multitudes. The struggle, and this isn’t unique to me (Jekyll and Hyde), is to reconcile these opposites within… or, perhaps more accurately, to better understand these multitudes and embrace a continuum. I think the question I’m often trying to answer is how do we move through the world and maintain relationships when we’re all such bundles of contradictions? How can we depend on each other when we can never be certain which facet, which personality, which self will show up? How can I be both laid-back and intense? How can I believe in the philosophy of “so it goes” yet also be demanding?
This is a struggle because we carry with us the need and desire for consistency – a need that was essential to our survival as children and our development of a self. Habit, routine, predictability all help us more easily find our way. They reduce the demands on our attention and give us a sense of security. Inconsistency and change threaten our sense of stability. Conversely, inconsistency and change also give rise to variety and growth.
This is a struggle when we look at things as either/or situations when they’re really and situations. The answer, if there can be such a thing, seems to lie in embracing complexity.
In trying to think about this, I returned to a book I’ve quoted on this blog a few times, Be the Person You Want to Find. One of the passages I had underlined reads, “Yes, I am selfish, arrogant, demanding, impatient, controlling, insensitive, irritable, and self-centered. Everyone is (depending on who is doing the judging).” In my mind, I added: I am also charitable, humble, kind, forgiving, patient, and sensitive… depending on what you choose to see.
I believe most of us are capable of all of these things. Get to know someone well enough and you’re likely to see all of it. I believe that if we’ve seen the good in someone, we can choose to hold on to or return to that vision. I also believe that it would do us well when we think the worst of someone, especially if we don’t know them, to imagine that they are capable of the opposite.
Getting on the Same Page
I started this particular post thinking of an ex-romantic partner, the one who hated our everyday. I was thinking about how she hated feeling like she had to ask permission to do anything and everything. We struggled with that type of communication. We struggled with the nuanced difference between consideration and permission. Wanting to be included in the decision-making process is not the same as wanting to give or deny permission. I would often say, I appreciate you asking, but you don’t need my permission to do x, y, or z.
But, this post also began as a consideration of my various roles as a manager these past few years. The self-reflection was, in part, driven by instances in which employees and colleagues felt the need to ask my permission for x, y, or z. I was thinking about how in some ways, all relationships are about getting on the same page. In the work setting, getting on the same page with my direct reports and colleagues is about creating a type of group-think, a type of organizational mentality in which the work, or in my case, the community is at the center of all decisions. I want my team members to be both independent and part of the larger group.
In any relationship, work or personal, I don’t want to have to make every decision, or even be informed of every decision. I do expect or hope that decisions are made for the greater good (of the couple, of the organization). I began this post thinking that maybe I do a poor job of communicating my expectations (I said it was a self-reflection). As best as I can tell, where conflict has the greatest chance of flaring up – is when that inconsistency creeps in. “I don’t need to know about this, I don’t need to know about this, I don’t need to know about this… why didn’t you talk to me about this?” The truth is, none of us can possibly define every instance when we’ll want to be consulted. Humans are messy like that…. and in those instances when the expectations are a mismatch we have the opportunity to turn towards each other and practice charity and grace, or turn away and pass judgment.
In Be the Person…, the author writes, “when we decide something is right, good, or beautiful, in that moment we create its opposite.” I’ve enjoyed quiet mornings in the good and warm company of my partner. That enjoyment also created its opposite – missing it when it wasn’t possible.