Last week, my friend took one of his friends out for dinner. They went to a nice and well-known place in the neighborhood. It’s probably one of the fancier restaurants on the street – they’re said to have a great braised short rib.
Almost every night since his dinner, he’s grumbled about paying a lot of money, and tipping 20% for bad service. At first I shrugged it off, “ehh it happens” and then I went to my default advice for this friend, “let it go.” As he became more agitated and made clear that he wouldn’t let it go, he went down the road of, “I’m done. If I don’t get good service, I’m not giving a good tip. I’m tired of being screwed over because someone is shitty at their job.” This is when I gently pushed back. This when I challenged his logic.
I am, for the most part, a non-confrontational person who tends to follow social norms. When I receive poor service at a restaurant, I still tip 20%. My thinking is that I have no idea why the service was bad, nor do I feel like spending the time or energy in trying to correct the situation. In my friend’s case, the waiter wasn’t very friendly, and early in their multi-course meal, the waiter asked if they wanted their appetizers boxed up because the main course was ready. My friend worked for many years at one of those fancy steak houses. He said, good staff and good restaurants communicate better. They were still working on their appetizers, and in his mind, a better waiter would have instructed the kitchen to hold off on the main course. I don’t think he’s wrong on this, but I suggested that maybe the server (and all servers that night or that week or that month) were under instructions to turn the tables more quickly, to get people in and out. My friend wasn’t willing to entertain this possibility. Said I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I changed tactics. I asked him if he thought the waiter, upon getting a shitty tip, would reflect on his service for the night and come to the conclusion that he could have done a better job… or if after receiving a shitty tip he would just think that my friend was a bad customer who didn’t tip well. Again, I got nowhere with this. Again, my friend insisted that I don’t know what I’m talking about because I didn’t work in the business. He said, at the end of the night, waiters don’t give a shit. they just want to get their tips and go home. I pointed out how that supports my argument and re-framed it. I asked him how the service is ever going to get better without feedback. I asked him how leaving a shitty tip without talking to the waiter or the manager, improves the situation. He said that as a customer, that’s not his job. I don’t disagree with him – which is why I’ll tip 20%, walk away, and chalk it up to an off night. I again suggested that maybe the person was having a crappy day… he reverted to: not his problem, he’s paying a lot of money – he should get better service.
I said – that’s fine. He has every right to expect what he expects… but here it is several days later, and he’s still stewing over it. I explained that personally, I wouldn’t want my energy going towards such inconsequential things. And yes, there’s an irony not only in having the conversation with my friend, but in recounting it here. (Hello… energy, where are you focused today?) I attempted to drop it. A few minutes passed, we joked about something or other. He brought it up again. I again suggested patience or compassion or understanding, suggesting that it could have just been a bad day. At this point he asked, why I always do that? “Do what?” I replied. “Take the waiter’s side,” he said. I gave him some answer about the world being better if we made fewer assumptions, or listened and asked questions, etc. etc.
And this is why I’ll put energy into rethinking and recounting a mundane, if not dumb, conversation about tipping when the service is bad. For one thing, the conversation was a reminder that sometimes people just want to vent. I learned this in couples therapy (though I remain unpracticed). I have to remind myself, that in these moments, I can always pause the conversation and ask, “are you looking for solutions, are you looking for advice, or do you just need to bitch about this thing?” Admittedly, I’m not very good at listening to people bitch without offering solutions or advice. My default setting is to suggest that they have some control over how they react. If it really bothers them, like to their core, they can take some action to correct it. Otherwise, let it go. Again, I recognize the irony. I have an entire blog that features me shaking my fist over minor indignities. My only defense is that, not only does writing about such indignities help me purge the frustration (help me let it go), but it slows my thinking down enough for me to get a small grip on offering compassion and grace – first to myself, and then to others.
Additionally, not only was the conversation a good reminder to ask questions about what the other person needs in the moment, but it sent me back to one of my favorite videos, “This Is Water.” A video that I watch at least once a year to remind myself that I (we) have a choice in where and how we focus our attention. I (we) can choose to consider other alternatives in how we interpret selfishness, or injustice, or the petty frustrations of day to day living. I may send the video to my friend, though I wonder if doing so is just poking the bear.
For me, the conversation, and the subsequent thinking, was a reminder that we have agency over our attention. It was a reminder that stewing over bad service at an expensive restaurant is a choice – and that maybe, for whatever reason, my friend needs to make that choice… but as someone who wants to live in a more thoughtful, compassionate, and graceful world, it also feel like my small role is to model the behaviors I want to see and to gently suggest that there are alternatives to stewing, there are alternatives to dogmatically believing our own certainties and assumptions. Otherwise, let it go.