There are moments, perhaps not much more than an hour or so, when I sit and wonder why am I doing all of this. This being writing, or the job search, or living here in Memphis. In these moments, I’m tempted to pick up Thoreau’s Walden and find a quite outdoor space to read and think about purpose. I know I’d get frustrated with his stuffy language – so the act remains a thought.
I spent the last four days driving 1,000 miles to central Pennsylvania and 1,000 miles back. I thought about a lot of different things along the way. I’ve forgotten most of the things I was thinking about. Sometimes I’d pass something interesting and I’d open up google on my phone to conduct a rudimentary search as a place holder for deeper investigation later (I shouldn’t be doing any such thing as I drive, but I find myself making exceptions because I’m solo and need to the entertainment). I drove by a castle in Lexington – made a note to look that up. I drove by a set of four or five buildings that looked like condos, but were completely out of place with the landscape around them – which made me think they were a type of public housing or military barracks – made a note to look that up. I passed an 18-wheeler painted with the American flag on all sides and slogans like “America: Love it or leave it” and “don’t spread my wealth, spread my work ethic” – I made a note to look that up – probably a privately owned truck.
I saw lots of rolling hills and mountains and wondered about hiking and the towns nestled in the valleys below. I drove the bourbon trail and passed famed distilleries and thought about how here, in America, there is something (a mecca of sorts) for everyone: bourbon trail, national corvette museum, the white fences and bluegrass hills that are synonymous with horse racing, music city, the home of the blues, Lincoln’s birthplace… A lot of my drive was through Kentucky. I thought a lot about the old money that built the horse racing empire and the old boys club that appreciates cigars and bourbon and how that can be juxtaposed to the destitute people who lose their shirts betting on the ponies.
There’s a lot of this country that I haven’t seen (the entire southwest and Pacific northwest). There are millions of personal stories to be heard and told. For me, long drives make me want to hit the road, make me want to consider possibilities other than getting the regular 9-5 and saving for retirement and trying to backwards design the rest of my life. The reality is, I probably won’t retire with much – so why spend my time pursuing that when I could pursue more interesting things, when I could take risks that others might not take. Living prudently and responsibly has kept me afloat, but hasn’t always brought me fulfillment.
It’s an odd juxtaposition driving such a long distance, my eyes full of wonder, for a potential job that I’m still trying to figure out. This is where I wish I had more friends to talk with or bounce ideas off of. I’m genuinely torn over what to do with my life. When so many things seem possible and appealing, nothing jumps out as the best or right option. Because of the unexpected “fight” over unemployment that I’m having with my previous employer, I’ve been forced to re-live those few months and remember all of the poor management that I had witnessed – I don’t want to work for a crappy boss again. I want to work in an environment of trust, growth, camaraderie, and learning, or I want to run the show and build that environment. All of which assumes that I want to work the standard 9-5. I’m coming up on a year since I started this blog. I’ve looked back at some of the posts, and I feel like my writing has gotten better. I’m very tempted to pursue writing (and just living) for a few years. I’m tempted to buy the cheap house in Clarksdale, turn it in to a B&B, spend my days picking up odd freelance jobs, working on the property, taking road trips, and reading and writing.
I’ve lost my train of thought… I have an interview with an organization in Atlanta that I should prep for. I feel like I need to clean and put a few things in order. This is what happens when I feel a little adrift, I look for things that are within my control. I can throw these things away, do these dishes, tidy up, make a small corner of life a little neater.