Moments of mixed emotions can be fertile ground for attempts at self-discovery and understanding – attempts that, for me, often fall short and look like little more than a chasing my tail / running in circles type of tomfoolery. Let the tomfoolery begin…
When I was in high school I dated a Catholic school girl of Irish and Italian descent. We were serious. We dated for six or seven years serious. At one point she had gotten one of those Claddagh rings – the ones with two hands holding a heart and a crown-like symbol above it. Love, friendship, and loyalty. Tradition was (and I guess still is) if the heart points one way the person is taken and if it points the other, they’re available. She wore it in the direction that indicated she was in a relationship. Things didn’t work out between us. We were high school / college kids that didn’t know any better. We were too young to be talking marriage which made the Claddagh ring feel right-sized for our level of commitment.
I’m reminded of the Claddagh ring because this past week, a woman I’m friends with on Facebook shared that she’s found what she’s been looking for: true love. She’s reunited with a man she met five years ago. She’s moving from South Carolina back to North Carolina (where she lived before) to be with him. They recently exchanged promise rings and a marriage might be somewhere in the future.
I met this woman several months ago when I visited Charleston, South Carolina. We met online and I extended my stay so we could meet in person. She was kind, warm-hearted, and attractive. We spent the better part of a day together (seven hours) and we met up for coffee the next morning before I headed out for Birmingham, Alabama. In the months since we’ve met, we’ve stayed in touch through Facebook and have had a few long phone conversations. While there was chemistry between us, I’d describe our connection as a spiritual one more than anything else. Kindred spirits trying to be gracious as we stumble through life trying figure out how this world works.
As we’ve talked, she’s shared some of her story and some of her struggles – past and present. Like me, she believes in sharing her story both as a way of taking personal accountability for it and as a way to help others see the power in vulnerability. We’ve talked about our aspirations and setbacks – especially as they pertain to past and future relationships. She’s had a long and winding path which at one point included leaving everything (a marriage, her faith, and her family) behind.
On the surface, I’m happy for her. Perhaps even a little deeper than on the surface, I’m happy for her. In some respects, I feel as though I were a part of her journey and process. She told me that after we met, she felt compelled to do a deep dive to try to understand what she’s looking for in a relationship. During those long phone conversations, we almost always focused on how we might be more receptive to joy, how we can be kinder to ourselves, and how we can cede control and allow life to run its course. Those things resonated for both of us.
In one of those conversations we talked through the feedback she had solicited and received from her former (and now current) partner. She asked him how she could have been better in that relationship. That honesty and vulnerability is what sparked their reunion. But it also struck me as one-sided. For her sake, I found myself hoping that he was taking equal accountability. While love and relationships shouldn’t be quid pro quo and we should do our best to avoid keeping a ledger, partnerships are often about that delicate dance with shared accountability.
I don’t know what work he’s doing in the relationship, but her attempts seem to fit in with that definition of love that I’ve been fond of quoting: “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” That’s one of the reasons I’m happy for her and them. I’m also happy for them because in some respects, I feel a sense of validation in my belief that good/strong/healthy connections don’t really go away but are, instead, often the victim of bad timing, poor communication, and unresolved individual/internal conflict. Bad timing one year can be exactly what’s needed for growth and a new and improved version 2.0 another year. Time will tell.
And this is where the mixed feelings come in. To a certain degree, and with nothing but my own arrogance to go on, I find myself judging a bit and wondering if she’s settling. She has kids and has shared with me how much she would like more stability in her life (romantic, professional, and financial). At the time, being on the road to a new city without a partner or a job, I could understand. And in this re-kindled relationship, she gets all three of those things. I can’t remember her exact phrasing, but at one point I believe she talked about this man as being a good guy and the type of guy who could take care of her forever. And I think ever since she left their relationship some years ago, she’s had her doubts about having left a good thing behind. After all, who leaves that type of stability? He’s quite well off… and also about 15 to 20 years older than she is.
It’s that judgment that needles me. I don’t know them as a couple. I barely know her as a person. I certainly couldn’t say anything substantial about the depths of their relationship – yet here I am feeling as though she’s selling out and I’m losing a compatriot in the battle of holding out for authenticity and magic… Or worse, maybe my doubting cynicism stems from a hint of jealousy that she’s found it and I haven’t? Again, who am I to question – and even if it is about the stability thing, people have gotten together (and made it work) for far less.
Deep down, I want it to work for them and I want it to be real. Honestly, I want it to work for everybody. I smile every time I see people who seem to genuinely enjoy each other. At the same time, the quest, if that’s what this is, felt a little more righteous and little less lonely when I knew there was another like-minded spirit traveling a similar path, grasping at similar brass rings and the promises they hold.